so its my fault again.
solely mine.
and again i get smashed in the face with your anger.
as usual.

i haven't talked to you for damn long.
you probably haven't noticed.
you never do anyway.
all that matters in your life is yourbeloved.
im just the friend that you'll talk to when you're mad at the rest.
the one you mood swing at.
because i'll put up with you.

fuck this ok.
fuck your bloody attitude to hell and back.
maybe you dunno.
but lady.
i have feelings as well.
could you just maybe consider them for once?

you guys complained so much last time bout it.
and yet now you're doing the same thing to me.
you guys had each other to bitch to then.
i dont.
as usual.
im the odd one out.
the one who never participates in anything.
maybe you dunno,
but im not exactly exhilarated at that at all.

its a front.
nothing but a facade.
what do you know of how i feel anyway?
oh wait.
you dont care at all.
you just go around trampling at them.
like its berries.
yay.

but then again,
its redundant asking you to just maybe care a little.
asking you guys to understand just a little.

school is just so useless now.
everyday im just there to exist.
to stone through every damn lesson.
and pass each day lonely and upset.

i've lost interest in everything.
even church holds no appeal at all now.

all i want.
is to go to sleep forever.
in that blissful black abyss of ignorance.

i started scratching again today.
it made me feel good.
made me feel a little less lonely.
because there's the pain to take away some of the loneliness.

i never really wanted to get my ear pierced again.
you guys motivated me to do so though.
in the wrong way.

i feel choked amongst you guys.
its traumatising.
and i thought i could depend on you guys.
apparently not.

i wish i can end all this.
im sorry.
but those thoughts are back.
and im too tired to stop them this time.
way too tired.
8:28 PM
|


its a mix.
something sweet.
bitter.
happy.
yet not so happy.

i guess im using iggy as an excuse.
as a shield.
i want him to know.
yet at the same time i dont wanna say it.
help?
9:45 PM
|


everytime you're nice.
you up the guilt i feel inside.
i can never like you.
so why do you keep being so nice to me?
it makes it so much harder for me.

and then i think of the other one.
and i feel miserable all over again.
its tearing me apart inside.
slowly driving me insane.
unable to tell you the truth.
yet dying to just blurt it out.

afraid to thrash the friendship.
yet hoping it might develop further.
what the fucking hell?!

im getting tired of this carousel.
i wanna get off.
far away from this repetitive hell.

run off somewhere where i can breathe.
where i can rest.
my haven.
which just seems to be crowded nowadays.

whatever happened to peace and quiet?
just what the hell happened to the serenity that's never coming back?

the statements hurt.
i just dont show it.
i care.
you just dont know it.
its a bloody facade.

when one mask is discarded
another rises to take its place.
you will never see beneath the mask.
thats impossible.
6:24 PM
|


obs was best not attended.
5 days of hell.
fights and arguments.
AHH!
im so glad its fucking over.

now the youth gone wild concert.
that was something else altogether.
that equalled to getting rid of all my troubles.
it wasnt good.
it was bloody fucking awesome.
the perfect end to a horrible week.
i absofuckinglutely love ronin.

and realise i've been swearing a ton.
thanks to 5 days of fighting.
anyway.
i lovelovelove the bands.
especially ronin.
they brought down the house lah.
levan was fucking hilarious in the ijuniform.

andimissedyoubad.
betchadidntcall.
cuzwhyshouldyouanyway.
2:59 AM
|


i've become one crazy bitch.
one minute im crying.
the other im searching for a knife,
then im crying again.
wtfh.

and im in maranatha?!
wth.
do i even seem like the praying sort?
i wanna be in acts so bad lah.
and i dont give a damn man.
after 5 weeks in maranatha im gonna run off.
to acts.(:
7:05 PM
|


what are friendships?
no strike that.

why bother having friends?
when you're just gonna backstab them.
where's the fucking sense?

forget it.
why do i even bother?
just feign ignorance again.
like what i always do.
3:37 PM
|


i swear getting smashed by cakes sucks.
cuz it'll smell like vomit after that.
especially when you get soaked completely.
but then again.
its bloody fun.(:

love it.
and missing you.
maybe.
12:18 AM
|


im back to unable to sleep mode.
and gushing over soccer players.
sheesh.=/
3:52 AM
|


even when we stop talking for months on end.
even if there's no form of communication for eons.
thankyou.

for always being there for me.
for coming through for me - no questions asked.

thankyou for letting me know you'll always be here.
supporting/helping me.
just being here.
talking to me at ridiculous hours at night.
going to the park with me.

frankly words cant express what i feel.
so just two words.
thank you.

honestly.
you're the greatest if not best friend i could ask for.
much love.(:
7:56 PM
|


back from thailand.
i miss the girl we called effie.

it was an eye opener.
so many things happened.
like that boy who never cried or say a word even though he was injured pretty bad.
the hawker who was so sweet and nice.
the cute girl from the village.
the experience in the school.
the kids in the orphanage.

i love kids.(:

and thankyou iggy.(:
11:00 PM
|