isn't it weird that two people can just talk calmly bout certain tools.
and how one cut way too deep.
nail, rulers, compasses.
it should scare me.
but it isn't doing anything.
it feels like a very normal conversation.
im not scared/worried/anxious.

and she forgot.
or maybe 'cause i ran away immediately after the meeting.
with yati, prachit and lyy.
its already been established that talking is pointless.
so why are you so insistent?

i blew up at bao this morning.
'cause she kept insisting that the problem was our mindsets.
it seemed as though once again the blame was shifted to us.
well to me.
and its just frustrating.
im always the one having to change whatever.
to suit whatever you guys want.
but why cant you understand this once?

one part of me really wishes that for once there's hope.
its holding out that the squad will understand.
the other part is the practical one.
it knows that change will never occur.
not ever.

i get nightmares frequently.
i dont wanna sleep at night.
not when my dreams are you guys.
go to hell ok.
you plague me in the day,
and at night.

i have an urge to scream.
just scream at anything or anybody till i feel better.
maybe that'll be less draining then crying.
maybe then i'll stop getting so agitated so easily.
ain't that right bao.
10:39 PM
|


im afraid to sleep.
and yet i want to sleep.
2:59 AM
|


she's so horribly thin its scary.
im so afraid i'll lose her.
its a scenario i have never thought of before.

being at acts always seems to take my mind off everything else.
today was no different.
with the lone exception.
my fickle mind has once again been my downfall.
i wish i had kept my big mouth shut.
'cause everything has changed.
and its getting on my nerves.
big time.

i had pangs of nostalgia.
i miss it badly.

tmr is lecture day.
i wish i can skip skip skip.
i have absolutely no interest in it.
school is hell for me.
i just go to escape from home.
there's nobody im close to in school at all.

bung has her jessica.
yati has her beloved.
ramaprachit is off somewhere.
stupid phone's spoiled.
i cant self entertain.
what the hell.
2:55 PM
|


godma's very sick.
she slept the whole day.
dammit unlike her.
considering she loves to move around.

my sister's breaking down.
she's crying.
she cant take the insults anymore.

honestly.
im scared.
2:23 AM
|


and she's tired of defending herself.
rant all you want on monday.
and declare your understanding of the matter.
'cause it isn't important anymore.

she's heard it all before.
she doesnt think it'll be any different.
and she knows the best way for you to shut up and for her to leave,
is essentially to let you finish talking.
so she'll sit.
and wait.
and control.
'cause she's drained.
9:58 PM
|


it was that little spot that started it all.
and the spot grew.
and grew.
it evolved.

and now its too big already.
and suffocating everyone else.
getting them to retreat into the darkest corner.

the cries are redundant.
tears fall but dont matter.
fighting back is a waste of time and energy.

pretty soon it'll be over.
for everyone.
and everything.
8:18 PM
|


and i saw a pretty little flower.
in my dreams.
12:11 PM
|


all i really wanted was to talk to someone.
anyone.
i just needed someone to be there for me.
and who i could confide in.
but i've screwed all my friendships.
yay.
the path of self-destruction?
for lack of better words.
thats what im calling it.
im gonna walk that path now.
and stay on it.

close to three years.
thats how long i've been ostracized in the squad.
and i really dont care if you guys read this.
you already think im an attituted bitch.
so WHY SHOULD I CARE?

when i tried to join in,
you guys ignored me.
why did you think i chose to leave?
i tried till i gave up.
you dont understand at all.
stop acting as though you do.

we walked away?!
hello!
do you understand the meaning of you'll are dismissed.
the word being dismissed here.
which part of it do you NOT understand?
should i write a full explanation for you?
and you weren't there you freaking bitch.
you barely heard the full story.
yet you judge us.
after hearing their extremely screwed side of the story.
and YOU choose to believe them and say that WE DO NOT look at things from your side,
that we are acting more and more unreasonable.
then you say that you ARE NOT TAKING ANY SIDES.
what the fuck bitch.
do you even understand what you're saying?
and.
we do not look at things from you viewpoint?
fine maybe we dont sometimes.
but.
has any of you ever looked at things from OUR viewpoint?
have you?
NO.
so what right do you have to say that?

you say no, we shouldnt cut blah blah blah.
what utter rubbish.
firstly, i dont cut myself.
believe it or not,
thats NOT my problem.
as far as im concerned, my conscience is clear.
i do not cut.
i do things that cause pain.
yes, but i dont cut.

and secondly, why should i fucking listen to you?
you cut yourself.
you have no right to tell me not to when you do it yourself.
stop contradicting yourself.

you know its so obvious we've sunked down so low.
we can fight in front of our juniors.
and the rest of the school.
are you seriously telling me that you guys think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that?
who the fuck are you trying to kid?

can you get any less empathetic?
for the fucking love of god,
we were having a discussion.
and we were crying.
you dont just squat there and demand an explanation.
and then tell us that we have to control our emotions and get on with it.
well SCREW YOU.
i've been controlling all this while.
and i've been breaking down these few days.
just let me cry in peace ok.

thankyousomuch.
dont you think its much too late to finally realise that the both of us have always been neglected by the squad.
you didnt care then.
whats the point now?
because i dont give a fuck now.
it no longer matters to me if im in the same world as you guys.
i gave up finding the entrance when the inside kicked me out 3 years ago.
i searched ok.
i searched for the dammit entrance.
but it was never there.
even when i found it.
it refused to budge open.

we make you feel inferior becuase we're acting superior?
i really dunno whether to laugh at your oblivion or to cry with frustration.
who really feels inferior?
dont tell me that i shouldnt listen to what thk and everybody else say.
because after listening to the same shit all this while,
i believe it.
ask yati.
we feel the same way ok.
and we have really had enough.
i cant believe you said she sneered at you.
just because she turned her back.
it just proves how little you understand her.
anybody would have known she was upset.
well except for you guys obviously.
we are both sarcastic by nature ok.
deal with it.

hypocritical bitches.
you said be firm.
so we're firm.
and then you say we are unreasonable and unfair.
those are the exact words you used.
and you said act more like an nco/ic, not a sqdmate.
and then again.
stop acting like you're our nco.
dont forget you are still our sqdmate.
HELLO.
are we the only ones who see the irony in that?

seriously stop pretending to be nice.
you got something to say to me.
you jolly well say it to my fucking face.
instead of bitching behind my back.
stop being so two-faced.
'cause you're just making me itch to slap you.

well you know what.
you've got your fucking wish.
the both of us really wont be your ncos/ics anymore.
you'll be fine with silin.
i hope you'll be satisfied.

i just have a very simple request.
leave me the fuck alone ok.
im tired of you guys.
tired of the whole fucking ndp.
the whole training today i had to dig my nails into my skin.
just to stop myself from screaming at everything
and to stop the tears from falling.

every single day i resort to the stupid metal ruler.
no.
im not proud of it.
but it has become a necessity in my life.
im gonna scratch all the skin out soon.
i cant say i hate you guys.
because someone once told me that to hate someone you have to love them first.
and honestly,
i have never loved you guys.
i was just living in self-delusion.
thinking i could.
but youknowwhat.
i really cant bring myself to do it.

just take your meenah self and SCRAM.
get lost ok.
7:54 PM
|


and there's really no point regretting now.
not when i've pushed everyone away.
its too late to ask them back.
so just continue pushing everyone else.
and live a life of blissful silence.

as long as i have my eeyore.
and my metal ruler.
right?
god who am i kidding?
11:04 PM
|


pain without love
pain i cant get enough
pain i like it rough
'cause i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

how apt.
somehow three days grace has just the right songs.

its so tiring to break down.
somehow i just feel very very broken.
thats it.
9:18 PM
|


i cant remember the last time i had fun without feeling sad.
just real fun.
i dont think so.

and yes ah ma.
dont you think i know that?
and one day your friends will leave you because of what you're doing
i know that ah ma.
in fact, its already happening.

but then again.
im always alone.
what difference would it make?

and what does it matter to you what i do to myself?
its my own body.
my own hand.
if it bleeds or scars, so be it.
im past caring.
10:11 PM
|


i dont like my commanding):
i think i screwed up.
blah.
and considering my moi and uniform aint gonna be getting me marks,
there's goes all hopes of attempting to take first class.
aaaaaaaaaaah.

i remember sqdmates commenting that my wonderfully black nails,
are shinier than our boots.
so i decided to coat it with lacquer again.
in the hopes that it'll shine more.
HEH(:

and i just dont know what to do anymore.
i feel like im whacking against a brick wall.
im not a good nco.
i know that.
but im really trying.
i remember saying i wanted to be a dedicated nco during lmsc.
and i remember also feeling that i was chosen as an nco for all the wrong reasons.

i remember feeling like shit.
and still feeling that way.
i hate being the sqd nco.
in some ways.
but in other ways,
i dont mind it.

but i hate it when you guys try to take advantage.
and climb all over our heads.
we tried talking.
it didnt work.
would you understand if we tried explaining how we really feel?
im willing to bet its a big NO.

if you think its so easy,
why dont you just try for a week.
then you tell me how you feel.

i really hope your reaction will not be one of joy when we change the style.
if so, well.
all i can say is shame on you.
just like yati.
9:34 PM
|


i was so bored during chem.
i went around writing rubbish.
about suicide.

it still hurts when i remember that you dont trust me.
knowing that wow, im screwing another friendship.
the same way i do with every other one.

do those scars mean that much?
arent they just scars after all?
and freaking tiny ones at that.

i still remember the look you gave me.
and the words that cut like shit.
especially when you said you were disappointed.
7:00 PM
|


i love acts(:
had one hell of a time with them today.
and i managed to just push everything away for that period of time.

we were supposed to get used to taking care of those with physical disabilities today.
so we became them plus the helpers.
which saw me temporarily blind for the afternoon.
with justin helping me.

when we left the room,
i was honestly scared and completely disorientated.
then justin asked if i had to go to the toilet.
the firt thing that came to my mind was,
how the hell am i supposed to go?
even if i wanted to, i cant see!
then it struck me,
oh yeah i cant see.
then what about those who are really blind?
how do they go to the toilet?

then we had to take a bus and get to punggol park.
just leaving the centre left me panicking.
justin said there was a drain/canal.
and i was near it.
i got scared.
i thought i would fall in.
then the whole crossing the road thing left me thrilled.
well in a way.
but it also got me thinking bout the blind.

there was an incident there,
when jarvis and justin said i couldnt cross the road.
'cause there wasnt enough time.
and i wouldnt be able to cross.
considering i couldnt run.
it was pretty exasperating.
and i wondered if they would feel the same.

there were slight elevations on the way to the bus stop.
little steps that left me terrified.
i didnt know where i was.

sitting at the bus stop.
without being able to see at all,
and having to rely entirely on justin,
i felt completely helpless.
i hated the fact that i couldnt do things on my own.
and i felt bad that i had to trouble justin.

then, jarvis and sylvester gave me this huge branch.
i thought it was stupid at first.
but i was glad i had it when the bus came.
'cause it helped me to figure out where the steps were.
my branch got caught in the metal railing thing at the entrance.
but i got it out.(:

from what i heard,
everybody on the bus were staring at the whole lot of us the whole time.
most felt embarrassed.
me?
i couldnt see so i didnt think it weird.
but i did feel really bad for justin.
'cause he couldnt leave me alone and hide his face.
and he couldnt whisper directions to me.
it felt scary walking down the aisle.
i didnt know if i was clutching the seat or a person.
i was damn thankful for justin's help and company.

getting to the park involved crossing two roads i think and steps. again.
i was pretty used to crossing the road by then.
so we could walk pretty fast.
the steps part was where i almost fell over.
i was expecting steps up.
not down.
so i tripped on the first step.
thankgod for the branch.
and the instructions from justin.
i got down perfectly fine.

the walk to the picnic area was long.
or so i thought.
and i felt really self conscious.
all the way there.
we had to walk past a cafe.
and i could hear lots of people.
i was really really aware that we would attract stares.
and then i linked it back to how they would feel.

when we reached the meeting point.
i thought yay i can see again.
but nope.
we had to eat with our disabilities.

so i was eating blind.
justin was awesome.
helping me get drinks and food.
and making funny signs while they snapped pics of me without my knowledge.=/
it gave me a chance to experience what its like to eat when you cant see.
and it made me really appreciate my sight.

to eat without being able to see what you're eating,
is just plain irritating.
justin had to help direct the straw,food etc.
it just left me with an immense sense of helplessness.

boy was i glad to rip off the bandage.
to just open your eyes and see again.
the feeling was beyond fantastic.
its like whoa.
after this period of darkness,
suddenly everything seemed so bright.
and wonderful.

the entire afternoon left with new respect for the physically disabled.
and not just the blind.
its amazing the way they can be so independent
despite their obstacles.
it was definitely an eye opener.
and i learnt a lot.
thankyou acts29.

we went out for dinner after that.
then to the movies with celesther, diana and stacey.
i love today.
it made me forget the crappiness of the week.
well for awhile.
'cause the memories will haunt me forever.
it wont be easy to brush it off.
not with the scars so deep.
12:48 AM
|


the mood swings have once again started.
the daily arguments with them dont help.

i wanna go away.
to a place where there's no one.
but my eeyore and my other stuffed babies.

whats people anyway?
whats friendships?
im used to the silence of myself.
2:15 AM
|


trust me please iggy.
i swear i dont use a blade.
and i dont lie to you.
well at least not on major stuff right.
so please just believe me you bamboostick.(:

natnatnat!
dont be worried lah.
and i'll read your reply on your blog right.
dadeedum.
i'll be fine you pot.
10:39 PM
|


yes i know im not smart.
THANKYOU for pointing that out once again.
how kind of you to remind me.
11:08 PM
|


sarah and yati are sick minded perverts.
who apparently like groping me.
gross lah.

and naTONG.
RELAX LAH.
dadeedum.(:

i went to school this morning with horrible swollen/puffy eyes.
should i thank you for that?
YOU let loose my floodgates.
something i had sealed shut with superglue.

you bloody fucking asshole.
thanks for making me useless.
stupid, redundant and a complete piece of shit.
its no big deal.
thk does that.
etan does that as well.
you're just jumping on the bandwagon.

i dunno.
i shouldn't be crying.
after all.
why should i care.
come to think of it.
why did i spend the whole of last night and today crying.

what you said cut.
deep.
maybe you dont know.
or dont care.
but youknowwhat you fucker,
i care.

maybe i should thank you for that?
dont they say that a parent knows best?
so thankyou dad.
for never failing to see me,
for the person i will never be.
and never seeing me,
for the person i really am.
you rock dad.

thanks for doing endless comparison.
you never seem to know the difference huh?
oh and mum as well.
you guys brighten up my day.
what can i say?

oh yeah.
thanks for making me so dammit envious of my own siblings.
you really are talented people youknowthat?
and most of all.
thanks for bringing me out in this world.

ironically,
i wish you never did.
life's a bitch.
and you hammered in the final nails.
how smart.

its funny how you guys haven't comprehended the reason why i never like home,
why i never like being around this family.
are you just dense?
or living in self-denial?
or am i just really insignificant?
10:00 PM
|


its fading fast!
i dont like!
i like to see those wonderfully messy lines.
i love them.
im addicted.

addicted to the weirdest thing.
placing love in the funniest column.
insanity at its best?
5:56 PM
|


awww naTONG.
i love you too babe.
and yes nat i know the three of you will always
always be here for me.
and i do know that i can rely on you at any time.

but sometimes,
i just gotta face this myself,
my way.
dont worry.
i'll be just fine.

and im not complaining bout the vulgarities.
i swear all the time anyway.(:
keep your cool lah.
the next time you see me,
i'll be smiling.
'cause i'll be happier.
okay naTONG?
9:52 PM
|


oh oh oh.
and i had one hell of an ironic question for oral.
what do you think of students using their phones in class?

omg.
i was resisting the urge to gawk at the examiner.
wth?!
i stammered through it.

ahh!
i can crap like nobody's business bout that lah.
but in english.
and its a chinese oral.
BLAH.):
10:11 PM
|


aah!):
i wanna run away,
get a freaking mc for next tuesday.
unlikely that will ever happen though.
cuz its cowardly.

oh well.
i'll just sit there.
seal my lips.
listen.
done.
get the hell outta there.
and call iggy.

such a simple solution.
yeah RIGHT.
if only.

im peppering it with messy ugly lines.
and im not proud of it.
but i cant stop.
too bad?

i dunno anymore.
my mind's a mess.
and i know naTONG's gonna kill me when i next see her.
she's already started with the fuck in one sentence.
pretty soon its gonna appear in every sentence.
and directed at me.

so.
im sorry naTONG.
but i only promised to try.=/
9:50 PM
|


burst my bubble.
once again.
smart aren't you.
you sickening bastard.
9:39 PM
|


accomplished!
finally its off my chest.(:

funnily.
i like to see the marks.
i want it to scar so badly.
and i guess i just have to admit after all.
i've grown addicted to it.
very much addicted.

its like i get this adrenaline rush from it.
i like the feeling of it.
in the most sadistic screwed up sense,
i really really like pain.
a lot.

i've found my absolute best friend who will never do anything to hurt me.
its pain.
i can honestly say that i can really find comfort in pain.
irregardless of what everyone else says.
pain is what keeps me going.
my dammit love.

i tried.
honestly.
i tried not doing it.
but there was always this strong urge.
to feel the pain.
to watch the redness slowly appear.
and then when it finally faded away,
i wanted to do it again.

maybe one day i'll upgrade a little.
after all.
a few people have taught me many options to use.
im way screwed over my head.
and too sick and tired of the mess to care anymore.
5:36 PM
|


and once again.
i've lost my guts.
WTH.
gosh.
i can just hear iggy calling me a goondu suckerfish now.
blah.):
10:07 PM
|


and you're obviously not feeling ok.
triggering my sense of guilt.
and making me feel like complete utter crap.
oh boy.
i dont like this.):
9:57 PM
|


i need to abstain from eating too much.
the thought of ballooning is scaring me.
but i cant seem to stop eating.
AAH!
lucien and his never mind lah just eat.
blah):

i need to save to replace my stolen ipod.
well. and lose weight.
and stop myself from going online shopping.
all of whch is so NOT happening.

isn't it just great.
i thrashed the friendship.
tough frankly i dont get why its my fault?
true, i was completely tactless in handling the whole situation.
but why push all the blame on me?
i seriously dont believe its entirely my fault.
and im not exactly happy about it as well.

ok i shall try thinking happy thoughts.
right.
the only thing that i can think of is my lack of confidence.
little wonder why iggy is mad with me.
blah.
im mad at myself.

sheesh.
when?
never?
8:07 PM
|


fine.
i started the whole fight.
heck.
i provoked him.
and now i feel lousy.
'cause he got a pretty bad scolding.
sheesh.

i am a horrible sister.
gosh.
more than horrible i guess.
and i just cant seem to stay mad at my little brother.
why do i always have this soft spot for him?

blah.):
8:55 PM
|


thankyou naTONG.
much love.(:
3:07 PM
|


ok. portugal lost.
but oh well.
they did damn good.
and im happy.(:

naTONG is a funny person.
dadeedum.
im supposed to dedicate one post to her.
i thought of what to write yesterday already.
but i've forgotten it completely now.

oh and dear naTONG,
i do not use extensive vocabulary.
lalalaa-
i wanna go shopping with naTONG!

and i've been on a crazy downloading frenzy.
desperately trying to recover ALL the songs i lost in my ipod.
so i wont die of boredom at home.
damn.

and delphinus has passed out.
and next year will be our turn.
i kinda miss them.

and its frightening.
the thought of taking over.
lack of confidence pretty much sums it up guess.

the letters ncos gave me prety much got me crying.
i guess cause it really hit home.
8:42 AM
|


i guess im resigned to the fact that i'll probably never get my ipod back.
m definitely not happy bout it.
but i guess there really aint much i can do about it.):
which really really sucks.

on a lighter note.
gotta say i love the people who tried cheering me up.
iggy, lucien, nat, cal, zhixiang, aaron, ct, rach, chris, tiff, sab, dhiv.
and my beloved sister.

went to the park just now with iggy.
talked a lot.
specific stuff lah.
somehow i feel less confused now.

i guess im ok with the sqd now.
in a way.
not ok ok.
but more like i cant be bothered anymore.

just gonna listen to iggy lucien and nat.
and just plain dammit IGNORE.
i love the three of them most.
iggy lucien and natONG.
and maybe just maybe.
iggy's right.
no maybes.
he swallowed his pride.
i gotta swallow my own.
and just say the damn thing.
in fact i think im gonna.(:
7:05 PM
|


i lost my baby.
my beloved ipod.
its either misplaced or stolen.
im praying i left it in school accidentally.
i cant love without my precious music.
oh god.
9:20 PM
|