i'm having a damn runny nose again.
-mutters.
jacket wasn't thick enough to keep me warm.
hence i went around freezing like shit.
too bad, i didn't have time to stop by edward's house.
he wanted to lend me his.

eeyer, the briefing for the trip was the same.
blah, i just went there to make myself colder.
what the hell, seriously.

i proved to celesther why i loved going out with edward so much.
hell, she enjoyed it too.
dadeedum.

i suddenly thought about birthdays yesterday.
and really, i've never enjoyed my birthday since secondary school started.
each birthday has been hell in different forms.
oh well, i guess i'll get used to it.

mum's worried.
'cause she's not happy that i'm always with edward.
it's definitely not a good idea to say that i really like his bed, and slept on it in fact.
she'll probably burst man.

the weather's depressing.
it's feeding me thoughts that shouldn't be in my head.
and my safety pin's are much too tempting.
sitting prettily in a row on my table.
oh damn.
why did i make those deals again?

i'm praying i haven't been lying to myself.
please don't let me be lying.
i just really want to be over that whole damn episode.
why i didn't i meet excess earlier?
damn, and i should stop corrupting my mind with those thoughts.
'cause then, i'll pine for my blade.
and i don't want to disappoint edward and the others.

heaven's dead when you get sad.

thankyou for showing me what i always believed.
from the start, i should never have bothered trying.
you broke me.
luckily, you'll really be the last.
6:03 PM
|


school was shit again.
was hauled out for another talk.
and then had extra lesson after school.
well, i'll admit the lesson did helped me.
but then he started nagging after that.
and man, i really didn't sign up to be nagged at.

"is there something wrong with your teacher? like does he like you or what? 'cause he keeps wanting to see you everyday man." melvin.
youknowwhat, i think so too.
haha.

went for bass at edward's house after.
one word, awesome.
i had fun, lots of it.
and i proved that i don't drink tea man, i drink sugar water.
HEH(:
and and, i like his bed. especially the pillow.
-pouts.
can i please kidnap it?

went jogging with edward and nick.
i really enjoyed myself.
that's like a first?
we went for dinner at j8.
that was bloody funny.
edward's legs cramped up i think.
and he was holding his tray and walking back real slowly.
he looked as though he was in a funeral procession.

and yeah, shit.
it's really every day.
oops.
oh well, it is for a cause.
and i do love it.
so, whichever.

i've been having tons of fun.
i'm starting to sound like those cheery bimbos.
eeyer.
how disgusting.
though honestly, i'm enjoying myself too much to care.

and the bible said,
if you eat too much, vomit it out and you'll feel much at ease.
of course it wasn't meant to be read literally.
but, i'm an ass.
and i'm gonna take it literally.
idiots are dumb.

i'm gonna have my hershey's sundae pie soon.
yay, my sugar rush.

oh baby, 'cause i would run to break your fall.
only, i bet you wouldn't do the same.
12:12 AM
|


i remember asking myself not so long ago,
why i was never happy,
why i let them affect me that much,
why i was so bent on scarring myself.

i haven't been asking myself those questions for a long long time.
and i'm glad. really i am.
i'm over them.
really, truly, seriously.
and i'm proud of myself.

i've been so damn happy the past week.
the only dull spot was monday.
that had been bad, very damn bad.
but i bounced back.
thanks to melvin and edward.
i cheered up after awhile.

celesther just made me realise something.
damn man, i've spending practically everyday with edward.
shit, haha.
i've been walking and walking and walking.
maybe i'll grow fitter? haha.

and i really should practice later.
or i'm gonna grow very rusty.

nick and chris are going over to edward's house at 10.
with 12 cans of beer.
yeah, i agree, they're out to tempt you man.
but oh well, just tell me if you drink.
so i can finish my design.(:
9:20 PM
|


i've got a new phone.
guy at the motorola centre said my baby can't be fixed.
blah.

i wasn't very happy today actually.
probably to do with the fact that i have to go for counselling.
thankyou erictan.
as well as screwing chinese up.
not that i really care about it anyways.
and worrying like hell bout eugene.

but that's all ok now.
i told edward, oops.
and maybe if i can find out more,
he can help eugene.

and really, counselling is just a waste of my time.
but damn, i'll just sit there and stone.

was supposed to study with celesther and amanda.
but amanda couldn't make it.
and i was bored.
so we went to meet edward and the others.
it was amusing, sitting at the stadium,
watching melvin, chris, nick, edward and celesther jogging.
and finishing off what i wrote during the exam.
those idiots are plain amusing man.
damn, i love them tons.

i realised when i got home earlier,
that i brought 2 safety pins with me to school.
and i'm glad i didnt use them.
i must learn to use other methods.

the week's ending, yay.
and i haven't really sat down and practiced.
-mutters.
i must really sit down and practice properly.
either later or tomorrow.

i'm just really really hungry now.
oh man.
i want to eat.
eeyer.
12:06 AM
|


my phone's spoiled.
i'm gonna whine already.
all thanks to a huge pail of water.
oh bloody hell.

eXcess rocked a ton.
pity i started mood swinging though.
i kept wanting to look for a blade.
i looked down at the star.
and that new lone scar.
and damn, i wanted more.
i wanted so much more.

i know i don't need it at all.
we established that already edward.
i know it's really not necessary in my life now.
but i still crave it.
i still want it back.
and yet, i really don't need it.
damn man.

eugene's scaring me.
i thought it was just a phase.
like this whole, man, i wanna be like tommy lee.
so i shall do drugs and all.
but now, i really don't know.
man, please don't do anything dumb eugene.

i wrote a lot today.
normally it means i'm upset.
this time, i don't know man.
i like to write.
but i mostly write stuff that gets me way down.

i want to carve properly.
but i made a promise.
to three different people.
no drugs for eugene.
no alcohol for edward until next wed.
and just no for melvin.
11:31 PM
|


i went to school with extremely swollen eyes.
family's a pain. really.
i hate my parents.
luckily, i have a wonderful sister to make up for them.

and i have awesome friends.
who forgoed their sleep to talk to me.
and cheered me up.
thankyou melvin and edward.
i love the both of you man.
and atiqah too.(:

H2O soon.
going for dinner with melvin, jo, edward and cel.
i love eXcess.
they're more like a family to me now,
than my real family.
and they listen, which is more than i can say about my parents.
4:30 PM
|


this is weird.
i never thought i would be sitting in front of my computer,
having a discussion with edward of all people,
on a bible passage of all things.
he made me pick up a bible out of excess and acts29.
sweet.
and i made him do the same, haha.

we keep helping each other out now.
haha, good influences?
man, i don't know.
it's not exactly good, but not bad either.
and there's no point complicating my mind.
let's keep it simple.
we're helping each other.
end of story.

and i'm happy still.
hopefully it'll last.
edward's damn nice though.
"i can drink with you. i can get it anytime, you can have a drinking companion. i won't get drunk so in case you're gone i can help you." edward.
i think that's sweet.
thanks man.
for many things.

we're flipping through the bible now.
haha, thanks for making me read my bible.
i've come to this realisation that sirach is a very good book.
it contains the most useful passages.
it's gonna be my favourite book.
and this is fun.
having a bible discussion online.
haha.

i'm happy.
i'm over you, thankfully.
i've found a new and better meaning to this life.
i still want to cut, for the pain.
but i'm a lot happier.
i'm grinning now actually.

and yes, i agree.
its that real happiness theory edward came up with.
"even smiles can't represent it."
i'm proud of me.
very proud.
thankyou so much edward chia.
i feel like sprouting a billion thankyous.

and yes, you're important to me too, in a way.(:
2:14 AM
|


thankyou edward.(:
9:41 PM
|


oh, and i'd like to see that idiot sing welcome to the jungle.
damn man.
he's gonna screw the cut-outs first gig.
poor souls.
3:11 PM
|


eugene chia went to retrieve my blade.
shit man.
he went searching in the dark yesterday after sending me home.
OHMYGOD.
dammit.
are you crazy eugene?

i hope this good mood lasts.
if i ever had a chance, this is one thing i'd like to tell you guys.
thanks man. thankyousoverymuch.
for giving me some of the best memories these few days.
i had more than fun, i was way happy.
and though i may doubt if this was all a sham.
or worry that i'll fall back into a slum after this week.
all i can say is you guys have been a tremendous influence on me.
drinking, slacking, whatever.
not the best influences ever, but the best idiots to hang out with.
and eugene, i hope you'll communicate more with edward.
he's really not that bad.
in fact, you have an awesome brother.(:
haha.
2:54 PM
|


atiqah will probably kill me.
but man, i'm loving it.
HEH.
i'd still kill for my rum.
but this ain't that bad.
THANKS EUGENE.
DNA alcoholic lemon-crush.
whoosh.
sweeet man, i like.

youknowwhat, they really aren't the best influences.
but hey, who cares.
i'm very very happy hanging out with them.
HAH.

ok, now i'm feeling damn warm.
and my face is reddening up.
but i'm enjoying myself man.
there. the last bit just went down my throat.
i want more! HEH(:
though i wouldn't want to be wasted like them.

and i just checked in the toilet.
yes, i'm red. though it ain't that bad.

anyways, as i was saying.
eugene and his band minus that idiot got wasted last night.
eugene was half drunk 'cause he left early.
while the rest of the band was just plain wasted.
guess they all had terrific hangovers today.

"i have a feeling you will like drinking."
i keep remembering this phrase.
damn man, edward's right.
mum will be horrified if she ever finds out.
dad will permanently ground me.
and emily will slaughter me.
oops. but i'm past caring frankly.

i've never felt so happy before.
for 2 consecutive days.
and for the good mood to last.
damn i love those guys.

and and, i want to buy arm warmers.
hah.

eugene offered to lend me the extra amps that he has.
but it's shared with edward.
and i feel super paiseh already.
eeyer. why are the brothers so nice?
gosh, i love them both lah.
dadeedum.(:
1:27 AM
|


eugene chia fucking threw away my dammit blade.
WHAT THE HELL MAN EC!
but he did give me a bottle of booze before that.
oh well.
but still lah.
DAMN.
tell you what though,
one day when i'm not so fucked up anymore.
i'll make that deal with you eugene.
i don't cut and you don't take drugs. ever.

we walked practically everywhere today.
i feel very accomplished. actually not.
and we talked a lot.
THANKYOU EUGENE CHIA.
well except for throwing away my blade lah.
blah.

i learnt a different side of edward.
i'm shocked lah.
he wouldn't teach eugene or his friend bass.
or even lend them his bass.
and he has this thing about talking to people younger than him.
BUT, he lent me his bass.
willingly taught me bass.
and talked to me.
ok, weird.
oh well.

i shall do this horribly dumb thing now.
thanks to uma.
only because i'm dead fucking bored.
and i'm not in the mood to talk about what happened today.
anyways.

Name 20 people you can think of at the top of your head.
DO not read the qns below before you write and tag 5 people to do this thing.
1. atiqah
2. yati
3. bung
4. eugene
5. iggy
6. edward
7. melvin wong yong san
8. joanna
9. joshua
10. melo
11. uma
12. natong
13. nicholas
14. ben
15. celesther
16. regina
17. melissa
18. samngui
19. sofia
20. tiffy

HOW DID YOU MEET 14?
eXcess!(:

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU MET 1?
let's see. gross her out by telling her what i did. and then piss her off by saying i drank booze again. yeah. then endure the agony of her calling me a minah.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF 20 AND 9 DATED?
weird. i mean it's like age is not a factor here. but joshua and tiffy?! weird lah. super different characters man. one's 20plus and the other's 15. and the height! joshua's bloody dammit tall. shit man.

DID YOU EVER LIKE 19?
damn. ok like as in friend. yeah sure. at first, hell no man. but it's cool now. like as in the other way. no freaking way. i've straightened out my thinking. finally.

WOULD 6 AND 17 MAKE A GOOD COUPLE?
edward and melissa? hmmm, yeah sure. probably if they meet. unless mel can't stand edward's sarcasm. then yah.

DESCRIBE 3.
bung's my love. haha, no. she's the most awesome person who listens to my crap all the time. and can really counsel me. damn, i love my bung lah.

DO YOU THINK 8 IS ATTRACTIVE?
joanna? yeah she is lah. but i'm not bi or what. i've really thought it through. i'm looking at it from a very general pov.

TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT 7
melvin wong yong san is a crazy psycho guy who kicksass man. and he's one of the leaders of eXcess.(:

DO YOU KNOW ANY OF 12'S FAMILY?
natong. nope. sad to say but yeah.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF 11 CONFESSES HE/SHE LIKES YOU?
never will happen. but so what man. she's free to like whoever she wants.

WHAT LANGUAGE DOES 15 SPEAK?
that's easy. english and chinese. sure i'd know. that's my sister.

WHO IS 9 GOING OUT WITH?
god knows man. i'm not close to joshua.

HOW OLD IS 16 NOW?
15(:

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TALKED TO 13?
tuesday night. we don't talk much, ain't that close.

WHO IS 2'S FAVOURITE SINGER/BAND?
not sure. can't be bothered to ask anyway.

WOULD YOU DATE 7?
hell no! it'll be weird lah. me and melvin. eeyer.

IS 15 SINGLE
duh. my dear sister doesn't wanna date yet.

WHAT'S 10'S LAST NAME?
POK! haha.

WOULD YOU EVER BE IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH 11?
hell no. she's looking for her coconut.

WHAT SCHOOL DOES 3 GO TO?
cedar. my horrible school.

WHERE DOES 5 LIVE?
bishan! street 23 blk i can't remember what.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE THING ABOUT 5?
he's the best idiot. he listens to me. counsels me. advices me. teaches me stuff. and i just love that pot man.

there, done.
and i won't bother tagging anybody.
that's dumb.

i had so much fun today.
thankyou eugene chia.(:
8:40 PM
|


i have a bass guitar. yay.
fine, it isn't mine actually.
edward lent me one of his to practice.
what can i say, the lesson was awesome.

"i have this feeling you're going to like drinking." edward.
youknowwhat, somehow i think so too. oops.
i had a sip of beer.
it's awfully bitter, kinda bland and weird.
but strangely enough, it wasn't that bad.
it was kinda nice in fact.

and it is an alternative to cutting.
eeyer.
edward, hurry get back from camp!
i have no freaking idea how to use powertabs.
what the hell.

english paper was interesting.
the first question i saw was love.
wrote about that since it's like we talked about it on tuesday.
besides, its kinda like the only question i liked.
i've got this new mindset thing,
that it really doesn't matter if i pass or fail.
as long as i had fun and i enjoyed it, so be it man.

they're having quite an influence on me.
not that it's bad.
at least there's someone to talk to.
someone who won't shun me after or get mad at me.
'cause he has his own addiction as well.
he's addicted to alcohol, while i'm addicted to pain.
oh well.
i'd like to think mine's safer.

frankly, i feel happier.
if i compare to other days.
but i have seriously no idea if i'm better.
i'm still addicted to pain.
oh well.
no point wondering.
i'll either know it or i won't.
10:56 PM
|


i'm trying to burn time by blogging.
i conclude that it is a very bad idea to drink tea nearing midnight the day before an exam.
you end up so pumped up with caffeine,
you cannot sleep.
which pretty much means you'll sleep during the exam.
as always.
it doesn't help either that your nose won't cooperate,
and be a darling and stop leaking.

i'm completely booked.
and i'm happy about it.
'cause it means i get to go out.
even if it's for mugging.
'cause dad won't let me out to roam,
unless i say mugging, acts29, church or eXcess.
i have no life.):

i'm going to escape after the exams.
and i'll drag iggy and a few others with me,
as payback for a deprived childhood.

i'm dying to do things i would never do before.
iggy noticed the change.
it's really sudden and drastic, i know.
but i just need to rid myself of memories.

i'm doing a miserable job of convincing myself actually.
but if i don't do it,
i'll keep wallowing in depression.
that's worse.
i'd rather live in self-denial, any day.
3:07 AM
|


i'm sick and wide awake.
that's the most disgusting combination ever.

i'm not really ready.
a part of me still craves for it.
but i'm learning.
and i have iggy to smack if i'm upset.
i have the bestest brother in the world.(:

i shall go bathe now.
yeah, damn late.
but hey, i was distracted.
dadeedum.
1:32 AM
|


of all the days to get flu.
i fucking get it now.
can i pout now?

my stick flew into my nose.
and i spent a torturous 10 mins trying to get it out.
before wasting more than an hour tyring to put a new one in.
eeyer. ice is now my best friend.
thankyou jannah.(:
the pain lessened a bunch after icing my nose.

tomorrow's english paper.
it's the start to hell.
strangely enough, i don't give a shit about it.
i'm more hyped up about the lesson after.
i get to learn the bass.(:

went to school today with barely opened eyes.
that's what you get when you don't sleep.
remind me not to talk to edward if i can't sleep.
but it was interesting.
and thankyou.
i feel a lot better now.

my right side of the nose is clogged up.
i can't sneeze properly.
'cause the stick will fly out again.
damn. i'm gonna whine soon.

studied with iggy today.
though actually it's like i studied while he accompanied me.
had one hell of an awesome time.
caught up on a lot of things with that pot.
and i strengthened my anger against that fucktard.
what an asshole man.

the bin's filling up with my tissue.
sheesh.
i'm feeling awfully shitty now.
which kinda translates to don't irritate me now,
i'll blow all over you.
'cause i'm always grumpy when i have flu.
eeyer.

today was a day of new discoveries.
some pretty shocking.
and i'm happy, now that i know i'm learning to get over you.
sure, i still feel some stuff.
but i believe i just need time.
and i'll be ok,
'cause i promised myself so.

i just made a mug of extra sweet and milky comfort tea.
it's the one thing that can perk me up when i'm having flu.
it's also the only hot thing i can make at night.
well, at least i stopped sneezing that much already.

i realise this post is going to be very jumbled up.
but hell, i don't give a fuck.

iggy's going to pierce his lip tomorrow.
and i swear they are awfully sweet together.

i'm sweating like a stuck pig.
but i can't turn on the fan,
'cause i'll start sneezing again.
what the hell man.

i think i'll sleep late again tonight.
i feel wide awake.
now that i'm pumped up with caffeine.

i'm changing.
and this time, i'm happier about the change.
i'm learning to deal.
i'm learning to accept that not everything's rosy.
i'm learning that hurt is necessary,
but it ain't the end of the world.

i thought i wouldn't be able to cope.
what with all three consecutive blows.
i underestimated my ability to bounce back however,
as well as the ability of those wonderful idiots.
through many awesome people,
yati, bung, iggy, nana, nat, cel, excess, melo, atiqah...
i've realised that i'm not always alone.
true, ultimately i still feel very damn lonely.
but i have people to talk to still.
it's not a completely lonely existence.

i'm proud to say i haven't cut for awhile.
i still haven't given up on it.
i still want to cut.
not because of my problems,
but because of my addiction.
ok, maybe a teeny bit because of my problems as well.

but i'm a happier person.
i'm certainly less angsty,
and i laugh a hell lot more.
i love me a lot more now.
and i've learnt to appreciate many things.

i'd like to think that it's God's doing.
i'd like to think that it's partly 'cause the both of them prayed for me.
i'd also like to think that it's due to the support of people i can call friends.
i'd like to think that i actually tried.

don't bother correcting me if i'm wrong.
i like what i came up with.

don't get me wrong though.
this doesn't mean that i'm going to stop fighting and arguing.
it doesn't mean i accept all the shit that's going on.
neither does it mean i'm going to laugh and be happy every day.
it just means i'm not going to keep thinking that the world owes me something.
it's that simple.

i haven't become a happy-go-lucky person overnight.
i've just learnt that sometimes,
i just need to let go and talk to someone.
10:44 PM
|


great, i just fought with them again.
brilliant way to get them to sign my ppr.
fuck.

anyways,
excess was awesome yesterday.
well, if you excuse the fact that i was tired as hell lah.
almost fell asleep on my bible.
HEH.

i told melvin and edward during the praying session thing.
shit fucking shit.
they were rather hilarious in persuading me however.
"don't i look trustworthy?" edward.
though melvin's reaction after was better.
"cut, as in you mean [does slashing action]"
edward looked... i don't know actually.
i was looking at my hand.
but thankyou.
and also for not shunning me after.

i'm having my bass lesson with edward on friday.
yay. he's offering to teach me anytime,
since he's free until april.
i swear, edward's a god.
hah.

'cause i was dead tired,
i kept talking rubbish during bible study.
"if love is supposed to be imperfect, what then is unconditional love that a parent is supposed to show to a child?" one of my dumbass questions.
"look at this way, parents expect the children to take care of them in future, so maybe that's why they shower love on their kids." melvin.
oh shocking revelation yesterday.
and here's something that's stuck in my mind.
"if any guy says he never watched porn before, dump him. he's lying." edward.

i surprised myself.
i managed to study half a chapter of bio with sarah.
studying with iggy tmr.
though frankly the chances of us stoning is higher.
oh well.
and then i'm mugging with eugene and nat.
gardens on sat.
i'm turning into a mugger.):

something happened today.
i just can't remember what.
blah.

oh yeah, i love bung.
babe, thankyou.(:
was pretty down during chinese, 'cause of something.
dear bung listened to my crap, and said the best phrase,
"youknowwhat, now i think its very fake. forget it ok."
love you tons babe.

and i must abstain from hersheys pies.
eating one every damn day is fattening.
and i'm too fat already.
dammit, i need to lose weight.

excess is just different.
i don't even know why.
they just are.
and somehow, they're more accepting.
well in a way.

i just remembered the conversation edward had with nicholas.
"i watched porn once, and hated it. i never watched it again." edward.
"man, you just went to the wrong website lah." nicholas.

dadeedum.
the week's ending, yay.
no acts29 this week.
'cause sherlyn wants us to study.
no cat class either.(:
i'm free beyond belief.
eeyer.

sometimes, i wish for stars.
i wish for a sleep that will never end.
other times, i'm happy to have lived.

i'm adapting.
that's good, right?
it means i'm slowly accepting it.
which also means i'll be fine soon.
which means i just need time.
loads of it.
which also kinda means i'm creating my own world.
in other words, i'm kinda living in self-denial.
though i'd like to take it as i'm just believing in what i want to believe in, so as to make this world seem a much better place.
8:53 PM
|


excess in 8 hours and 15 mins.
i'm grinning thinking about it.
another spastic night,
where i'll be laughing and i'll be happy.
but tong and amanda might not be going.
tong's dad doesn't allow.
and amanda might have to study for prelims.):

oh well.
there's still the other spastic idiots in excess.

remind me again why i'm going to their gig.
oh right.
'cause the cut-outs drummer is nice.
and he's my friend.
eeyer.
stupid dumb reason.

i haven't started on the design thing.
oops.
too bad melvin.
i'm busy. heh.
that's just excuses actually.
but whatever lah.

i don't feel like sleeping again.
dadeedum.
1:15 AM
|


blah.
celesther just had to remind me.
i have to spend 3 days of retreat,
and 15 days of mission with that fucktard.
what the fucking hell.

one more time, i hear praises about his damn band.
and if he starts on the whole i'm better than you shit again,
i swear i'll take a leaf out of iggy's book,
and punch that sickening fucktard.
though i pity celesther.
she's the one who has to endure him now.
oh and poor denis.
who's being treated like shit.

and i'm still going to their gig.
-mutters.
i'm paying 12 bucks 'cause eugene asked.
though i'll probably get pissed upon seeing him.
blah.

i seem to have a fetish for abusing newly pierced areas.
i didn't realise the stupid earstick wasn't fully through till today.
had to get jannah to force it through again.
we looked sick.
but all the same, thanks a bunch babe.
it hurt like hell, but at least it's through.
i regret taking out the stud though.
oh well.
lesson learnt.
stop trying to be smart and taking out studs a day after you just pierce it.

i passed the bare minimum needed to get to sec4.
i don't dare show dad my ppr.
especially when i need money badly.
oh crap.

excess tmr.(:
finally, something to do with church that doesn't have him.
whoopeedoo.
i felt really bad about the way i'm treating him.
but thank god, i managed to squash those guilty feelings.
'cause he's being a complete fucking asshole now.
stupid poser.

i've been doing all the wrong things.
i need to wake up soon.
and get my act together.

eugene and i are trying to psycho nat to go study.
actually, she's just being fussy about the place.
eeyer.

it's amusing that syikin's too terrified to talk to me.
instead, she gets yati to be the middle person.
i know i'm notorious in the sqd for having a temper,
but this is pretty darn ridiculous.
you got something to say about my nose stud,
say it to my face.
don't ask others to say it to me.
'cause it'll just further tarnish my impression of you.
but you probably know already that i can't stand you.

i need study buddies.
this friday and saturday.
though actually sat's with ec and nat?
so just friday.
thursday's with iggy and maybe nana.
i wonder if i'll really study actually.
but frankly, i need to.

i've kinda got a job for november.(:
now i just need to find another one.
to supplement my pitiful bank acc.
eeyer.

a few more weeks and the school year will be over.
i can't wait actually.
i've never liked school.
and there's nobody i'll miss in school.
somehow, when i think of school,
it just brings back bad bad bad memories for me.
it just makes me want to cut.
school's a plain torture.
but when i think of church,
i can smile at least.

i realise eugene's pretty much like edward.
both of them are so similiar it gets scary sometimes.

that was then.
i would smile when you goofed.
i would cry when you fumed.
i would laugh when you preened.
times have changed though.
when you laugh, i frown.
when you cry, i sigh.
when you smile, i pout.
and no the last word wasn't supposed to be pout.
but i'm too lazy to find a substitution.
and that wasn't supposed to make sense either.

it's going to be goodbye soon.

edit.
my nose fucking hurts now.
shit shit shit triple fucking shit.
of all the freaking fucktards,
i have this huge urge to rub my nose.
but the stick will fall out.):
and then i will die trying to stick it back in.
i can't even take in a deep breath now.
oh bloody motherfucking shitheaded nonsense.
eeyer.

dear nose, please heal faster.
if i go for annual camp with you not healed,
i will die.
pretty please heal soon.

endedit.
9:15 PM
|


once again i'm bored with nothing to do.
actually there's hw lah,
but i don't wanna do.
HEH.

i'm peering down my nose and staring at the stick.
the stupid flesh is really sore now.
and refuses to let me push down the stick further.
so it's sticking out like a sore thumb.

had a long talk with nana.
i love you too babe.
don't worry about me ok.
i know where to draw the line.

my arm hurts.
eeyer.

thankyou yati.
you're the best babe.
thanks for telling her to shut up.
even if it probably got you into trouble.
and i'm sorry if it did.

when my phone lights up,
i see bobby's face.
and it's enough to make me smile.
'cause he's so adorable.
and i realise i'm gushing about him.

dadeedum.
it's the little little things that can make me smile now.
other stuffs are too complicated.
and i'm too tired to think about it.
i'd rather keep running.
i don't believe i can't escape reality forever.

i'm gonna go give my baby a hug now.
maybe one day, it'll hug me back?

i just remembered.
we need to learn the language and the culture before mission.
and we have to learn to cook a dish.
HEH. me and cooking don't go.
i'll probably blow up the kitchen.
but i do have to cook.
oh well.
i'm reminded of alvin and kangkong with salt.

and and, i haven't thought of how to design the journal.):
i don't know how to draw skulls.
and i don't have a good reason to justify it either.
eeyer.
stupid melvin lah.
why the sudden need to sell planners?

i shall start over soon.
stop making my precious few worry about me.
especially iggy, nana, bung, nat and cel.
it's hard though.
i'll probably be putting on a mask again.
i always do that.

i'm praying maams will never ask me how's the unit.
or the dreaded question. how's the sqd?
i almost died when maamhuda asked me.
'cause it sucks to lie to them.
yet, they shouldn't know the disaster the unit is in now.
oh well.
10:51 PM
|


i'm in love with bobby.
he's so damn cute lah.
eeyer.
he's sherlyn's dammit adorable godson.
and i have his picture as my wallpaper.
no, i'm not a paedophile.
i just appreciate cute kids.

church was interesting today.
i don't understand why everyone thinks my nose will bleed.
but oh well.
had lunch with acts29.
and met the excess people.
HAH. you see edward, i proved you dead WRONG.
and no, i won't get a nipple ring.
you can get one, then show me.

i just took out the original metal stud.
so now, there's a transparent earstick popping out.
and i have no guts to cut off the protuding end.
'cause the nose already hurts like a sonofabitch.
the abused flesh is popping up around it,
all red and scary like, with dried blood around the rim.
but at least it's not bleeding.
it just hurts.
which is kinda what i wanted.
i just cut off the top part of the dumb earstick.
ouch.
but i like.

my head's like a bomb, still waiting.
take my heart and take my soul,
i don't need them anymore.

so take my life, i don't need it anymore.

mission is from dec6th-20th.
which means i'll be gone the whole month.
if i'm allowed to go that is.
yay.
i'll be leaving on the 5th.
so i'll get to at least wish bung a happy birthday.
i can't wait to be far away from s'pore.
but anyways it'll be the hols.
i won't be in the shithole i call school.
and no phones are allowed.
though it's not as if i'll have anybody to msg or call.
and since i won't be missed, it'll be easy.

i need a meaning.
i need a soul.

met cindy at j8.
i was late as hell.
i'm sorry babe, i didn't know the meeting would drag.
we went to the library to talk.
didn't stay for long,
'cause she had to be back home.
so we left five-ish.

cinch still looks the same.
but she's definitely changed.
the old cinch wouldn't have noticed the scars.
i'm sorry i didn't tell you a thing babe.
and i'm sorry i said i wouldn't stop.
maybe i'll stop next time,
but i need it now.
i'm going shopping with her after the exams.(:

i wish i knew what you were thinking.
i miss the days of yesterday.
and i hate myself for what i'm doing.
addiction is hard to escape.

I watched you fall,
Then sat and laughed as you slowly died.
There was a time when you stood tall,
And I looked at you with awe and wonder.
"I have it all," you cried with pride.
"and I will always have it."

But you were wrong, so wrong.
Your arrogance was your downfall.
One by one, you were left alone.
Over and over, your heart was crushed.
And soon, you had lost it all.

"Where did I go wrong?" you wondered.
"Why am I alone?"
By and by, you gave up.
Until the day came when there was nothing left.
"It's finally over." you laughed in mirth.
And when you stepped off, I closed my eyes.
The 'thump' decided it all.

I danced on your grave while others wept.
I partied while they mourned,
And no one understood my joy,
For I knew you like no other.
And I knew you were happy,
That you were right where you belonged.
'cause I am you,
Just as you were me.

did that make sense?

it's been a long time since i wore a skirt.
i should start wearing one soon,
before iggy nags again.
HAH, he can be my fashion consultant,
come to think of it.

sheryl or maybe sherlyn? i can't remember actually.
anyways, she said something during cat class just now.
it's still stuck in my head actually.
"it doesn't matter who you meet next time,
in the end, you'll be with somebody you meet in church.
or it'll be somebody you know now, from class.
'cause they'll mature by then."
and i remember who said it already.
dear old sherlyn.

thinking back, it is rather true.
rowena's with somebody from church.
roxanne as well.
hell, almost everybody i see in church.
pretty cool actually.

yay pot's going out with me next week.
i'm gonna drag him to buy nose studs with me.
then force him to study,
while i attempt to study myself.
HEH.
i'll probably start pestering him for bass lessons though.
oh well.
he should be used to it by now.

i kinda pity him actually.
for having to put up with my whining, criticism and mood swings for three years already.
i wonder how he does it actually.

i'm talking to bung, nana and yati now.
i'm sorry nana.
i must be disappointing you now huh.
7:24 PM
|


i can't remember where the problem stemmed from.
was it from me, or the sqd?
the only thing i'm sure of now,
is that i'm starting to withdraw even more.
and i can't confide in anyone anymore.

it seems everytime i confide in a person,
whoever it is will spread what i said.
thanks a lot lah.
i only trust bung now.
but my treacherous mind is wondering,
if she keeps my secrets secret only 'cause i know her secrets.
i shouldn't even be doubting bung.

maybe it'll be best if i completely withdraw into myself.
but even that's hard to do.
i tried it once, and failed miserably.

i'm curious though.
maybe somebody could tell me what is it they say?
isn't it funny that it's about me, and i haven't heard a thing before?
how much worse can it make me feel anyway?
no i'm not unhappy.
how can i ever be?
note the sarcasm?

i'm feeling bitter now.
what's the point of ignoring me only to,
come rushing to kick my ass when i do something stupid.
i'm not trying to draw anybody's damn fucking attention.
i'm doing it to satisfy myself.

it's stupid, to others maybe.
but it's not, to me.
maybe considering that before you lecture me or whatever would be good.
i am not an object, for your information.
i don't appreciate being treated like one.
please try to remember that, though it's probably hard for you.

i'm tired of sucking up whatever shit you throw.
i can't complain, i can't kick up a fuss.
i can't be myself.
and i'm tired of faking this huge happy moment,
only to break down and cry once i'm alone.

i was crying when you called.
do you know how hard it was to pretend i was happy?

i didn't just pierce my nose 'cause i wanted one.
that was just another convenient excuse.
i needed the pain, and badly.

yeah, i'm addicted to pain.
i love the rush of it.
i love that it hurts.
i love that i don't hurt inside when i feel pain.
'cause i can deal with what's outside.
just not inside, never inside.

and you got a problem with that?
people have different ways of dealing with shit.
this is my way.
so just deal with it.
even if you can't, shut up.
'cause it ain't your business.

i've forgotten how to look at things without being cynical.

it's sad, i've forgotten how to do many things.
i just remember vaguely a time when i was innocent.

where did i go wrong?

i'm trying to remember when i started changing so much.
i can't though.
i don't like this person i've become.
hell, i don't recognise me.

i'd like to think that it's just a phase.
or that i haven't changed, it's just others who've changed.
i know that it's a lie though.

but answer this for me, will you?
did you ever care?
or was i an object of interest to while your time away.
did you ever care that you were hurting me, badly?
or from the start, that was your intention.

isn't it ironic how people only regret when they've lost something?
isn't it weird how people tend to say one thing and do another?
i do that, all the time.

it's fucked up inside.
duh, i know that.
it's me after all.
but what right have you to judge me, when you're equally fucked up?

and now i really, desperately want my precious baby to give me a hug.
i need to know that i can still be the person i used to be.
i need assurances for a hundred and one things.
but most of all i need to hug my baby.
2:20 AM
|


in typical celestine fashion, the only word out of my mouth,
when the lady pressed the gun, was fuck.
i can't sneeze nor yawn now.
i forgot for a moment that it was there,
and happily squeezed my nose.
let's just say i almost died.

syikin's probably preparing to kill me.
i'll say the same thing though,
don't use sqd i/c to pressure me.
i'm not even treated as a sqd i/c, so it ain't gonna work dear.

fellowship with acts29 was fun.
he left early.(:
jarvis must be one hell of a rich man.
trainers earn tons.

met cinch.
apparently she knows, and she ain't happy.
babe, i don't know how to explain to you.
sheesh, i can't even explain it to myself.
you're probably not going to get the truth lah.
i can't even go through a day without lying to myself.

i've been repeating the same thing in my head for the past few days.
i'm trying very very hard to convince myself.
i believe i'll buy my lie soon.
i hope that day comes faster.

eeyer.
i thoughtjoanna meant just a few people designing the cover.
thanks for spoiling that though lah melvin.
but at least i can still do a very dark kind of design.
only i need a good reason to justify it.
blah.
i can never find good reasons.
only lousy ones.

bury them in a box, she does.
lock it in a corner, she agreed.
but still it lingered.
and now she's very tired.
she wants to sleep.
10:41 PM
|


daddy's nice.
hell, i'm getting along with the family these days.
i wonder why.

my jaws hurt now,
from all the fake smiles and whathaveyou.
i'm aching to find my release.
but i'm afraid of disappointing bamboostick.

i remember his face everytime he sees my arms.
i hate that look.
but it's getting harder to stop.
i'm addicted to the rush of it.
don't kill me iggy,
but telling you everything doesn't solve the problem at all.
i hate disappointing you, but that's what always happens.
yet, you're only there to help clean up my mess when i screw up.
you'll be the first to rush over when i break down.
and the only one who will carry out my crazy ideas.
if i believed in best friends,
that would be you bamboostick.

i feel very much awake now.
it's a big change and improvement from the past few days.
2:19 AM
|


let's see.
cedar games day was a waste of time.
and stupid.
i actually fell asleep.
blah.

tired of breathing
tired of feeling
tired of looking at the past for meaning
tired of running
tired of searching
tired of trying
how apt.

i'm finally done with all the shit that's being assessed for ppr.
i feel so relieved now that i've cleared a major part of overdue hw.
bel and i concluded that we're both way fucked over.
we keep getting chased for work,
it's getting very irritating.
yet i don't like to do my work.

i'm fascinated by haryani's tongue piercing.
and the more i look at it,
i want one too.
but i can only get it after i save 60 bucks.
maybe during december?
whoopeedoo.(:

i'm getting my nose pierced tmr.
i can't wait.
and and my phone's finally fixed.
but all the information's gone.
-mutters.

i'm always afraid.

i think bamboostick wants to kill me.
only he's trying hard not to.
'cause then he'll lose the only girl who hits him all the time.
HAH.
but seriously,
i'm sorry lah.
10:45 PM
|


bung's really fucked up now.
and it kinda hurts to see her like that.
knowing i can't help her at all.
i'm sorry babe, but
i'll probably fuck things up more with my dumb comments.

i don't know but my band is playing.:):)
for that statement alone, i wanted to murder his sorry ass.
and i reconsidered whether i actually wanted to go support eugene.
your band's weird.
let's face it, unless i know the other bands playing,
i'm not wasting money to watch your band.
yes, eugene's my friend.
but it really isn't that good.

the meeting's this sunday.
i don't know if i really want to go for mission.
blah.

mum thinks i'm drawing on my hand,
'cause i want a tattoo.
i'm amused.
though it is true that i want a tattoo.
oh well.

atiqah asked the question i never have an answer for.
why do you do it?
my reason keeps changing.
i forgot why i started doing it already.

once upon a time we had a lot to fight for.

i lost my safety pin.
-mutters.
i feel like whining about the loss.

games day is tmr.
dumb as hell.
i do not wanna go.
but i don't have a choice.
wth.

i need a meaning,
i need a soul.

i feel like skipping school again.
that's not going to happen though.
i need to pass up all my overdue shit.
10:31 PM
|


i've found a new high.
and grossed bung out.
oops.

there's a really fine line between what's yours and what's mine.

tong, you know i love you right babe.
and you're not a horrible friend.
i'm not angry that you tell me to stop but still slash.

i'm not running from you.
i'm running from me.
i am finished with you.
i hope.

it's a matter of being able to cope.
obviously i can't.
and sometimes when i'm most upset,
i wish my family would care.
but i've pushed them so far out,
i might as well not bother.

my nose will have a hole in it after saturday.
i can't wait for the pain actually.
my motivation for getting it now is the pain actually.

was it a dream?
why couldn't it just be a nightmare?
i can handle nightmares.
i can handle all the super surreal and whatever shit stuff.
i just can't handle reality.
so why did you have to smack me in the face with it?

don't save me.
'cause i don't care.

bung keeps getting freaked out by me.
guess she doesn't know,
i do it, simply 'cause i'm trying not to scare myself.
screwed logic but it works for me.

diana scared me a little.
but i'm just going to do what i do best.
and pretend nothing happened.
i'm probably reading too much into it again.
but any reference to my baby scares me now.

and now i have my comfort tea.
just the way i like it - milky and super sweet.
dad's burning some scent thing.
peppermint.
it reminds me of laughter and funfilled days under the sun.

exams are approaching.
reminds me of fellowship yesterday.
we were talking about how we sat through boring exams.
"f9 means you're first in class." edward's wonderful philosophy.
"yah, then sleep for half an hour, wake up then scribble something right. then don't know how to do just write your name and get one mark." coming from joshua.
what can i say?
i love the people tons.

maybe life's like a maze.
you walk around forever.
but you can never get to where you want to go.
you're just wandering around, lost.
and when you hit on a dead end too many times,
you crumble and despair.
bet that whole talk about reaping your rewards,
if you do not give up is bullfuckingshit.

i feel like skipping this friday's games day.
i think it's dumb as hell.
but it's not as if i have anything better to do if i don't go.
how unfortunate.

the smell of peppermint is really soothing actually.
and i just realised i carry 3 different kind of painkillers to school actually.
one's panadol.
then there's the one for menstrual cramps.
and the one for gastric.
i've been popping panadol and the cramps one lately.
it's supposed to relieve pain.
funny how it's lousy and useless.
blah.

i wonder what's it like to lose everything.
to be locked up and get nothing.
to sit in some cell and stone through each day.
to just exist but not live.
i wish i knew what dying feels like.
i wish i knew death.

i walked through the park yesterday night with nat.
it would have been more fun if it was darker.
and if we weren't so close to the main road.
all the same, i love the park at night.

you made the rules religiously.
no compromise.
11:12 PM
|


it's happened before.
can't take it no more.

i died in my dreams
what's that supposed to mean?
got lost in the fire.
i died in my dreams
reaching out for your hand
my fatal desire

just one big lie
such a perfect illusion.

i think this is going to be one super long post again.
considering i have nothing to do at all.

fade away, the night is calling my name.

i finally remembered what melvin said last night.
"and all the unclean ones will go to hell."
and edward's favourite and irrelevant line.
and in doing this, jesus declared that all food could be eaten.
how apt.
all the unclean ones.
that includes me.
yay.
i'm fucking going straight to hell.

i miss excess already.
i would have forgotten how to laugh,
would have forgotten how to smile,
if i had never met them.
i wonder how long more i can hide,
before they eventually find out.

i'm carving one in memory of excess.
ok, so i need the pain.
but hey, isn't it good to carve happy memories there.
so i'll remember that i still have excess,
to prevent me from turning into an unfeeling creature.
and then i won't cry.
it's easier to live if i don't cry.
'cause it's getting harder to halt the tears.
once they start, they can't stop.
i've been suppressing for months.
it's stupid that it's failing now.

i should learn by now actually.
promises never last.
whatever's said is bullshit.
but i always seem to believe the cockandbull i'm fed.
and ultimately, hurt is always on the cards somewhere.

i started on it, hoping for release.
i found addiction instead.
now, i'm stuck on a crazy carousel.
unable to resist nor control.

it's time to forget the past.
wash away what happened last.
hide behind an empty face.

if only i could perfect it.
if only i could overcome it.
then i won't get ugly, shallow cuts.
if only it were deeper.

these are the lies i have created.
pretty ain't it.

i wish i could take my beloved olfa cutter.
cut away the part of my heart or soul that's making me feel.
get rid of the essence of the soul.
and then i want to cut away the part of my brain that remembers.
memory's a treacherous bitch.

the lord bless you and keep you.
that just struck me.
we used to sing that in primary school.
where i never had to cry.

are you ugly?
a liar like me?
a user, a lost soul?
someone you don't know?
money it's no cure
a sickness so pure.
are you like me?
are you ugly?

turn a blind eye
why do i deny?
medicate me
so i die happy
a strain of cancer
chokes the answers
are you like me?
a liar like me?

look closer, are you like me?

my back hurts like a sonofabitch.
bung wants me to see a doctor.
one of those chinese sinsehs.
my refusal has got her hopping mad.
she tried to stop me.
but you see, i can't stop.
and now bung's even angrier.
but can't she see its for excess?
isn't that a better thing?

failing and unsure, why am i losing my nerve?
wasting my time why do i only see through this hurt?

jaded and broken
out of place waiting my turn
guilty, fractured
and like you i don't know the answer.

you get what you deserve.

dadeedum.
my room is a horrible disgusting mess.
i don't like.
but i'm too lazy to clear it up.
oops.

some days i bleed, i fall like stone
i'm always afraid, i feel so alone.

got a false sense of security
giving me a real sense of insecurity
messing with my head now, head down.
what the fuck is wrong with me
a false sense of security
is fucking with my head

i wonder if they ever meant a word.
bung says yes.
melo says yes.
i wish i could say yes.
but something's telling me it's one big fat no.
my mind's telling me it was a game all along.
a game that ended as quickly as it started.

your shit is overrated.

eugene's band is playing on the 13thoct at icantforthelifeofmerememberwhere.
i want to go watch!
but lucien's their vocalist, i think.
and well.
let's just say i'm trying not to shudder.
but still, it's eugene.
i guess if i can drag more people to go with me, maybe?

i said before that life's a horrible irony.
what i wonder is death then?
where do we go after?
where can i go after?

i wish you never told me.
i wish i never knew.
i wake up screaming,
it's all because of you.

i'm reminded of certain stuff.
things i'd rather forget.
because they always reignite the pain and tears.
i wish i had stuck by my promise.
if only i had clammed up.
stupid, stupid.

melvin wanted us to write our own eulogies for fun.
i was intrigued.
in fact, i knew what i would write.
the same thing i think about each night.

hi busy monkeys.
okay.
let s dump you a short story.
here we go!
"would you tell me please which way i ought to walk from here?"
"that depends a good deal where you want to get to,"said the cat.
"i dont much care where..." said alice.
"Then it doesnt matter which way to walk," said the cat.
well, hope you guys know where you are heading and head well alright.
study hard:)

"a good aries is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way."

that was from maamshirlyn.
i just directly copied and pasted.
oh maam, if only you knew how fucked up the sqd is now.
would you cry, or would you sigh?
or would you not care at all?

i just opened the bible.
i finally prefer what i see.

sirach 33:14-15
Good is the opposite of evil, life is the opposite of death, and sin is the opposite of devotion to the Lord. Think about it: the Most High has made everything in pairs, each thing the opposite of something else.

sirach 33:19-20
Never, as long as you live, give anyone power over you - whether son, wife, brother, or friend. Don't give your property to anyone; you might change your mind and have to ask for it back. As long as you have breath in your body, don't let anyone lead your life for you.

the first one was about how people are not alike.
the second was about being independent.
i finally stop getting passages that tell me the wicked are going to hell.
thankyou.

i feel happier now.
will it last though?
and maybe i should stop being so pessimistic.
but i'm always cynical lately.

so i'm sorry?
that you've made me change so much.
i've all but thrashed my principles.
now, didn't fatheridontknowwhatshisname say we should stick by our principles?
as a missionary, we should not be swayed.
or something to that extent.
ok, missionary part is completely irrelevant, but the principles part?

the more i think about it,
i somehow feel that i'm not ready for the mission trip.
but i want to go so badly.
i wantneed to know that god exists.
i need some semblance of control back in my life.

i'm a tad amused that melo thinks i'm suffering from depression actually.
i rather believe nat's theory.
that i'm seriously, honestly, wayyyy too sensitive.
and i'm reading too much into things.
hence the teeny cuts here and there.
and the random poppings.

but wellllllll,
they did name it painkillers.
and i was irritated with my back.
and well irritated with within.
if the doctors and whatever didn't want people to pop,
they shouldn't have given such vague names to medicine.
they should have made it more specific.
i've always twisted words to my liking anyway.
too bad lah, i take the name painkillers literally.
and yes, lousy argument.
but whothefuck cares.

why don't you just make up your mind?

maybe one day i'll accidentally overdose.
like campcraft days.
only way more than that one incident.
that would be fun as hell.

you make me headspin.
it had to mean something.
not.

i lugged my baby to school with me today.
'caused i miss it like hell everytime i'm not at home.
a pity it kept bulging from my bag.
and now it smells like the inside of my bag.
my baby's not coming with me to school anymore.
i don't wanna risk it being smelly or dirty.
it's way too precious to me.

i want to try riding on a carousel.
and make it spin till i puke my guts out.
how fun.

it's 6:04 now.
i wonder how long i took on this post.
it's fun actually.

cece, cinch and maybe yj and shell and i are going to get together.
one of these days.
i miss the four of them.
and the bond we shared.

though the ones i miss most are nana, sam, mel and hyaz.
but it'll be weird.
though i was touched when nana and mel actually bothered.
i started it all and now i'm regretting it.

behind those eyes lie the truth and grief.
behind those beautiful smiles i've seen tragedy.
the flawless skin hides the secrets within.
silent forces that secretly ignite your sins.

behind these clouds you can hide all your tears.
beyond this world you'll be safe from their wicked fears.
and in their hearts, they fear your demands.
you know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand.

if only.
but my bung's a perfect example.

sherlyn just called.
30thsept's the deadline to sign up.
do i really want to go?
hell yes.
am i ready?
good question.
i don't know.

it kinda means no excess for 2 days.
damn.

i remember the first note.
i remember the first slash.
and i remember your back, turning away.
and the look,
changed to revulsion.
and repulsion.
thanks a lot.

it cut deep.
and the scars will always stay there.
deep down under.
where the naked eye don't see.
but where she will always know they belong.
scarred so badly, she's too broken.
she doesn't give a damn now.
2:44 PM
|


i'm pumped up now and very happy.
thankyou excess.
very few people came today.
joanna was sick. poor thing.
so we pretty much crumbled without her.
we just had bible sharing before walking to j8 for fellowship.

it felt good.
everybody pretty much opened up lah.
kinda talked a lot more to benjamin and joshua.
i love excess.(:
we were the loudest in macs.
hilarious idiots.
thankyou,
melvin, nicholas, edward, eugene, nat, celesther, joshua and ben.
i love you guys.
you just made my night.

i can't stop smiling now.
i wish it could last.
but at least i have some happier memories now.
joshua's spastic laughter.
edward's sarcasm and jokes, dirty or not.
benjamin's 'quietness'.
eugene's awesomeness.
nicholas's deadpan expression and slowness.
melvin's horrible english and spascity.
nat's extreme blurness.
celesther's lameness.

fellowship is always laughter and whatever else.
and i just realised joshua is way too observant.
he actually noticed nat's scars.
thankgod people always assume i'm not that type.
so they look over the scars.

i should stop gushing about excess.
oh i have a backup teacher for bass!
yay. if he's free, edward.
though frankly, he's probably busier than iggy.
and he'll probably be high all the time.
ok, not all the time.
just sometimes.

this is exactly why i love tuesday nights.
it started out weird.
and now, i'm having tons of fun.
i actually look forward to tuesdays.
its no longer the weekends,
'caused they're now torturous.
tuesday nights make my week.

eeyer.
edward says there's an age limit for nose piercing.
what the fucking hell?
i want to get my nose pierced this week.
shit.
11:35 PM
|


i didn't bring it to school today.
leaving me very frustrated.
with nothing to vent my frustration and irritation on.

department meeting was stupid.
wasted my time just to hear syikin say a few sentences.
and i failed neighbourhood gold.
kinda expected actually.
retest's next monday.
yuck.

i don't wanna be the reason why.

school's a plain torture.
i don't know why i bother actually.

are you like me?
are you ugly?
a liar like me?

i'm annoyed by the fact that i just say mostly.
but i don't have the guts to do it all the way.
it doesn't help that it's so shallow.
i hate that my hand gets clammy everytime i attempt it.
i hate that it doesn't ever turn out the way i want it to.
i hate that i always hesitate.

it's not supposed to be like this.
it's not supposed to be painless.
i'm not supposed to be so numb.
it's supposed to hurt.

i do this to myself.
me and no one else.
so help me, tell me how to break free.
i'm to blame and that's what really hurts.
that's what really hurts.
you get what you deserve.

i'm amused by the title of the songs i like now.
they have very apt ones actually.

tired of you.
ugly.
what you deserve.
a beautiful lie.
the kill.
why cry.
funeral song.
lucifer's angel.
shot.
be yourself and 5 other cliches.
headspin.
changes.
going down in flames.
was it a dream.
the fantasy.
the story.
gone forever.
time of dying.
pain.
it's all over.
on my own.
let it die.

that's for starters.
i have much more.
only i'm too lazy to search.

what a disappointment.
it finally hurt.
one, two trickle.
then it stopped.
even the pain stopped.
i'm a disgrace.

how contradictory.
i'm asking manprit to slap me if she ever sees more red lines.
yet i don't wanna stop doing.

and i'm going to be late for excess if i don't hurry.
BLAH.
probably coming back online much later.
to talk about excess maybe.
6:21 PM
|


don't deny me this pain i'm going through.

it's funny how 3/4 of the songs in my folder,
always have the exact lyrics to describe what i feel.
there's always the perfect song to match my mood.
and mum doesn't understand
why i'll turn on the com in the morning,
just before i head to school,
just to listen to various songs.
wonderful titles most of them have.

i want a camera.
i need to take a picture of me.
before i become completely unrecognisable to myself.
already, i'm starting to doubt what i see in the mirror.
soon, i won't know me.
when that happens,
i don't know what to do.
hell, i do know actually.

you thought you'd stick around,
until the day you find someone to make me obsolete.

dadeedum.
i got blood on my school uniform today well yesterday.
eeyer. i don't like.
it would have felt good.
could i actually feel.
but no fucking no.
it felt numb.
no matter how many times i tried.
i still ended up with the same damn fucking result.
numbness.
just perfect.

most times when i'm alone,
i hug my baby and wonder.
what exactly am i doing?
what the fuck am i actually trying to achieve?
i can't get an answer that satisfies me.
i just get excuses.

maybe melo's right.
but that doesn't give me the answers i want.
neither is it a solution.
i don't want counselling.
i'm not saying i don't need it.
only that i don't want it.
i tried it way too many times before.
i'm done with counsellors who don't listen.
i'd rather be my own counsellor.

i'm going down into flames.

of course, with me as my own counsellor,
chances are i'll fuck my mind up even more.
but i'll reach some semblance of sanity.
'cause i'd be living in wonderful self-denial.

all he gave me was this ticket to heavenhell.

i scare myself with my sick, twisted ideas.
so many thoughts that i can't get out of my head.

i know what's best for me,
but i want you instead.
i'll keep on wasting all my time.

i can't wait for saturday.
diana will hopefully not play me up.
so i can get my nose pierced.
and then you'll see me walking around school with a damn plaster on my nose.
well, maybe.
i wanna buy those transparent ones.
so i don't look like an idiot.
oh and i have to cover up in front of dad.
he'll probably blow.
mum will just pretend she didn't see anything.

acts29's having games day on saturday as well.
cedarnp's having games day on friday.
i wonder what's the point of the np one.
maybe, hopefully, if i really pray.
he won't turn up on saturday.
then my mood wouldn't be spoiled.

i asked my sister what she thought of me the other day.
she would have raised my ego,
had i actually believed her.
"you're very pretty, only you look like the bitchy type."
spot on sister.
well the last part only.

you know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand.

i just thought of emily.
she'll kill me if she knows what i'm doing.
all along, she's been trying to stop me,
from becoming what she used to be.
and here i am, effortlessly destroying her work.
god, i love my cousin.
and i do know that she's forever hardest on me for my own good.
but babe, sometimes,
you just have to let me learn from experience.

when you're on the edge and falling off,
it's all over for you.

i'll take the shot for you.
i'll make it stop.

mum always taught that we had to listen.
dad pampered me,
but there was always this conservative air about the family.
if i remember correctly,
i was the first to challenge dad's conservative values.
i was the first to rebel amongst the idiot cousins at dad's side.
they probably hated me,
the girl who always sat there and wouldn't talk.
she just glared and gave off the aggressive vibes.

i'll wake up screaming.
and it's all because of you.

i can't remember exactly what prompted me to rebel.
to challenge everything that was taught or told to me.
to break through those disgusting social norms.
well, in a way.
i guess it had something to do with wanfong.

being her sitting partner in primary school changed me.
she gave me this whole insight into a different world.
she intrigued me.
on one hand, she seemed the perfect good little girl.
on the other, she was telling me that she masturbated.
yes, as a primarysix kid.
she thrashed whatever innocent notions i had of the world as a kid.
she pretty much opened my eyes.
and whacked all the innocence out of me.

you walked away from me when i need you

i don't even know why i'm typing this actually.
guess i just felt like it.

and i'm gonna retype the lyrics to my current obsession.
just because it fits my currrent mood.
i love my sister for buying the album for me.

i've been feeling lonesome
i'm down, don't know what to do
i let you lie to me, plant seeds inside to see them grow
and then leave them to die

i learnt my lesson,
i won't be forgetting
i won't give my heart out without suspecting
why cry
why cry
why cry
for you.

i've been lost and finding
out that i've been such a fool
you thought you'd stick around
until the day you found someone to make me obsolete

i learnt my lesson
i won't be forgetting
i won't give my heart out without suspecting
why cry
why cry
why cry
for you.

i had a dream in which i was grasping for something.
i don't know what though.
i searched like hell.
and everytime i tried to grab on to it,
that elusive thing would run away.
i could never catch hold of it.
i woke up with the sensation that i was falling.
i woke up, plain damn terrified.
i felt as though i had been crying,
though my face was dry.

now tell me, if dreams meant something.
what's the significance of that dream?

and i keep typing on and on.
making this stupid long post even longer.
all because i don't wanna sleep,
and i can pretend to mum and dad that i'm doing my hw.
'cause they think that blogger.com is my hw.
simply because i'm typing.
oops.

i'm suddenly reminded of a few years back.
dad was away for 4-6 months.
i can't remember the actual duration actually.
i just know that i was and still am ashamed of myself.
i never missed dad in that period.
the rest of the family missed him like hell.
i barely registered that my dad had dropped out of my life for half a year.

when mum first told me,
i recall replying very nonchalantly, "oh, ok."
she was shocked. i think.
i thought as the days passed,
i would maybe miss dad.
i didn't.

i still feel like a complete unfeeling monster for that.
i remember the quarrels i had with him when dad came home.
he would shout that i was ashamed to have him for a father.
and i would scream back a defiant yes.
i still regret those words.
the disappointment, the agony, the misery.
it was written all over dad's face.
i knew that he became ashamed of himself.
because of one word from me.
the daughter he doted on so much.
i couldn't take back those words though.
the damage had already been inflicted.

and now, the tears are resurfacing again.
when i think of dad.
and how he's always let me have whatever i want.
he's always pampered me so much.
he's always given me everything.
whatever i wanted, he gave.
enough when he had no money.
even now, when his business is bust.
and the family's broke.
he sacrifices whatever he wants.
for me.
the daughter who's always disappointed him.
the one who always hurts him.
with her words that cut to the core.

i only know to demand from him.
but i never give anything back in return.
i'm sorry dad.
i'm a horrible daughter.
i wish i can one day make you proud of me.
that's near impossible though.
it'll always just be me at the sidelines,
watching you beam at them.
while all you'll see is disappointment and failure when you look at me.

which is why i sometimes hate nights when i decide not to sleep.
and instead stay up to think.
'cause it's such nights when,
i'll probably go to school with puffy eyes.

i'm happily watching little spurts of cherries now.
its 2:11am.
i have 3 more hours to stone.
before i get ready for school.

i wish i could feel.

'cause there's no escaping from this nightmare.
when you're entrenched in it.
and you're stuck so deep,
you can't pull yourself out.

i'm getting tired.
but i'm afraid to sleep.
it's only 2:40am.
i still have 2 hrs and 20 mins.
12:02 AM
|


there is excess tmr night.
whoopeedoo.
hell, i'm even willing to be the good training member tmr.
and sit there while godknowswhat is happening.
'cause i'll be thinking of excess.

actually i'll probably get frustrated again tmr.
but i've found my perfect solution.
and i don't care anymore if it's obvious.
it's my body, i'll do what i want to it.
besides there are people who actually buy my story.

they call you lucifer's angel.

i've always told bamboostick practically everything.
i've broken my promises, yes.
but i've never lied before.
it's just recently,
that i keep having to cover up.
it sucks but i kinda have to be resigned to it in a way.
11:21 PM
|


once, twice, thrice.
it took awhile, before it bled.
and she looked down, with sadistic pleasure
as the pain enveloped her, and filled her senses.
the sweet scent of release was intoxicating.
she felt giddy, lightheaded with perverse joy.

"goodbye." she told the cold, sick world.
"goodbye and good riddance.
thanks for fucking up my life.
but you see, i'm leaving now.
to my haven of happiness and fear.
where sorrow and misery are the forgotten words.
goodbye now. i won't see you again."

for her place was down there.
amongst the damned, where she truly belonged.
eternal damnation and pain.
she knew full well, that salvation was not for her.
only pain could do.
and amidst the burning furnaces of hell,
she felt truly at home.
for once, she felt at peace within.

she smiled.
and it would chill the hearts of those around.
for it was a smile that spoke volumes.
a smile that betrayed her inner emotions.
it was a sad smile really.
wistful and resigned.
one that pined for days long gone.
yet knew that the past can never return.

but she was smart.
she had survived this long after all.
she knew full well,
that she could never receive redemption.
and so she prepared for her way down.

with each slash, her inner self shuddered.
with each slow down stroke, she lost herself.
bit by bit, her soul crumbled.
the wonderful, cheery girl.
disintegrated to nothing but a shell.
and she slashed again. the final one.
deep down inside, she broke down and wept.

and then it stopped.
everything ceased to exist.
she had finally descended to hell.
where she would soon be happy.

"goodbye world. i'm gone for good now."

i liked that.
melo thinks i'm morbid.
oh well.

i started taking painkillers again.
for no damn reason.
except that i felt like it.
and because i was hoping somehow,
they could just take away everything inside.
stupid really.
but then again, i always am.

bamboostick and bung's angry.
they disapprove.
i still hope they'll understand someday.
why i do it.

i won't stop.
because it's all i have now.
all that stops me from going all the way.
because i will do it, when i can't take it anymore.

i will do it. because i said so.
and because i said so, i will do it.
did that even make sense?
9:18 PM
|


oh, i don't think i've mentioned it yet.
i'm getting my nose pierced.
hopefully on saturday, if diana's free.
there won't be trainings after that anyway.
and maybe my nose will be fine.

it's the same reason actually.
the same as the last.
i need the pain.
and besides, i've always wanted a nose piercing.
it kills two birds with one stone this way.
10:31 PM
|


i should be happy.
i mean i just got a new bag.
the two bottles of fragances i wanted.
celesther let me use the new wallet i bought her.
and she ordered and paid for the panic channel's album.
all this, for me.
it's what i wanted.
and i didn't have to pay a single cent for them.
i mean yes, i am glad.
i got what i wanted.
and yes, i was being a spoilt brat.
like i always am, to get the stuff i want.
hell, even my phone's gonna get fixed.
when dad's free.

so why the fuck am i still not satisfied/happy/whatever?
good question.
funnily, i have no answer.
eeyer. i sound like one of those idiots,
who want the whole world before they're happy.
which i'm not.
i am materialistic, i'll be the first to admit that.
and i can be queen bitch if i hate do not like you.
but, i'm not like them.
i don't need the world before i'm satisfied.
and i just splurge when i'm unhappy.
only to realise later that i don't need those stuff.
but that's a different story.
i just don't get why i feel as though i'm missing something.

and school starts tmr.
yay?
i haven't done a thing.
and i'm not looking forward to going back.
and facing angry teachers demanding their overdue work.
oh and it's seriously, severely overdue homework.
some is like a term overdue?
yeah.
i'm screwed.
not that i care actually.
i won't be doing them tonight probably, unless i'm in the mood.
and that's unlikely to happen.

i wish i could confide in melvin.
he seems the confidable type.
but it's weird.
i've only known him what 3 weeks.
hell no.
excess is nice though.
almost like one big mismash family.
like acts29 only different in many ways.
i should stop talking 'bout them actually.
i irritated the hell out of iggy by talking 'bout both groups.

but yeah, i had a surprise and long talk with celesther.
and i admit, i don't really like being in acts29.
partly yes, lucien's there.
mean but yeah, that's what i feel.
and i guess it's just i feel super left out in acts29.
i'm there because of my sister, and diana.
and if diana doesn't go for whatever activity,
chances are i won't turn up either.
no diana, no me.
there's a reason why i'm always quiet in acts29.
i normally talk, a lot. too much in fact.
oh well.

don't think of stuff that makes you sad.
think happy thoughts.
that just occured to me.
but what's the damn point, if happy thoughts,
are always accompanied by nostalgia,
and followed by overwhelming sadness.
because i want so badly to return to those innocent days.

i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change.
i know now that this is really who i am inside.

one day, i shall say those words.
and i'll mean it.
7:48 PM
|


i walked home from church hoping the night would give me some answers, and leave my head a lot less fucked up.
i ended up more confused and sweating like hell.
whatever happened to rational thinking?

honestly, i didn't enjoy the youth rally.
well except for the band.
and the bass(:
i'll give anything to learn the bass.

i realise i'm really pampered and spoilt.
daddy gave me the money to get my bag.
and he's paying to fix my phone after i whined like hell.
actually no, i've always known that i'm a spoilt brat.
and i just exploit it to my own advantage.

there is excess on tuesday.
another night where i'll really read the bible.
and actually participate in the bible study.
something which i normally wouldn't do elsewhere.

both excess and acts29 have changed me in some way.
only excess is making a bigger impact on me.
it's a pity i can't bring myself to confide in any of them.
i'm still afraid that my mind will be swayed.
and i'm still fixed on that.

oh wait, that thinking did help a little.
i don't know why i suddenly thought of kenneth and celesther.
and i guess i just realised that i'll do anything for them.
it's so random but yeah.
they mean so much to me even if i keep fighting with them.
i'll be the first to defend them.
hell i'll beat up whoever for them.
and i'll be the first to beat them up if they go astray.

i hate mum.
what a fucking bitch.
10:36 PM
|


i'm scared.
the marks are mostly fading.
which means i can start again.
after all, i promised bamboostick i'll at least wait for it to heal.

the vision never dies.
why don't you just make up your mind?

it's a beautiful lie,
it's the perfect denial.
hide behind an empty face,
don't ask too much, just say.
'cause this is just a game.

this is the story of my life.
these are the lies i have created
i'm in the middle of nothing
and it's where i want to be
i'm at the bottom of everything
and i finally start to leave
12:54 PM
|


i want daddy to wake up.
it feels weird not seeing kenneth at home.
it feels weird not fighting with him.
eeyer.
but at least i get to use the com anytime i want.
no kickings and shovings and arguments peppered with fuck.
i feel like fighting with him though.
i feel like fighting with everyone right now.
maybe i'm looking to justify what i do.
1:10 AM
|


dumb, yes. very.
i'm dying to try it again.
one, two, three times.
just try over and over.
until finally, maybe, it'll work.
i'm sorry bung.
but i won't call you.
you know me.
i'd rather cry alone.

and dad's asleep.
-whines.
i want my eightynine bucks):
i wanna buy my bag.
eeyer.
wake up daddy!
11:48 PM
|


i had to be the bitch.
so now the family's mad at me again.
i wonder if i can still get my bag.
i don't know what i'm doing actually.
it's like i want them to be mad at me.
i need them to be mad at me.

everything's one sick, confusing swirl.
one minute i'm laughing.
i'm actually enjoying myself.
the next minute, i'm trying to blink back tears.
intense mood swinging much?

i'm getting terrified of my own imagination.
it scares me, that i want to do it so badly.
and then i get irritated,
when i chicken out at the last minute.
and do it so lightly, nothing fucking happens.

it isn't to amuse me anymore.
it's a necessity.
that scares the shit out of me.
yet sustains me strangely enough.

if i were to dissect my brain, do you think i'd find nothing?
or maybe this little compartment, where i stuffed all the memories.
and then threw the key away.
and then when i dissect my heart, what would i find?
somehow i think i'll find a grey heart.
devoid of colour, feelings. whatever.
just empty. except for all the capillaries, aorta, vena cava and whatever else.

i just need to keep up with what i'm doing.
i'll definitely end up that way.

a soul.
that's supposed to be the essence of a human being right.
and when we die, God judges our soul,
to determine if we go to hell or heaven.
there's no question then where i belong.
melvin's words struck a chord on tuesday night.
"she knows that she's beyond salvation, and going to hell. so she doesn't care anymore. because what's the point in caring?" or something to that extent.

what's the point in me caring?
i know where i belong.
it's not up.
it's straight down where i'll always belong.

if you can barely feel anything.
does this mean there's a hole in your soul?
what's the purpose of your soul anyway?
does it really allow you to feel.
or is it just overrated?

wouldn't it be nice if we found paradise someday?

i've been having shitty nightmares.
mostly of my dad finding out.
and i wonder,
are they just a reflection of my guilt?
of what i'm terrified will happen?
though actually, that's just dumb.

dad will never find out.
because dad will never care.
none of them do anyway.

why cry?
exactly.
the problem's convincing myself.
i'm almost doing a good job of it if i may say so.

when life has been unkind,
and you're losing your mind.
look into the mirror,
afraid of what you'll find.
feels like time's not on your side.
5:50 PM
|


i think dad's paying for the bag fully.
yay.
all that whining finally paid off.

once again i didn't have the guts to press down hard.
it's like one light, slow drag.
and nothing's happening.
wth.
i'm gonna wait 10 mins before i try harder.

i think i'm treating this whole thing like one damn experiment.
2:36 AM
|


i suggest we learn to love ourselves,
before it's made illegal.

floating in this cosmic jacuzzi
we are like frogs oblivious
to the water starting to boil
no one flinches
we all float face down

dad agreed to pay for a bit of my puma bag.
if i'm nice and beg and whine a lot,
he might pay it in full and then i can get it by this week.

i've decided to sleep at dad's office. alone.
without letting bamboostick know,
'cause he would never leave me there alone.
and then he would get into trouble.
blah.

i'll probably scare myself to death alone in the office.
i've already scared myself there before, alone.
and then that would be alone,
after walking around bishan at about 1,2plus.
i swear i have nothing better to do.
i'll probably be too scared to move.

if only the lights would dim a little
i'm weary of eyes on my scars

i've had enough of the world
and it's people's mindless games

it's fun to just pick a random letter and find a random band.
at least it leaves me something to do.
instead of stoning.
and then thinking way too much again.

what the fuck is ladylike,
if ladies like to do what the fuck they like.
11:11 PM
|


i had a crazy idea just now.
in fact i wanna try it out.
later, after melo leaves.

i've thought long and hard.
my only conclusion is that,
there really is nothing.
i can't find one to justify anything at least.

i wish it to be soon.
i want it fast, simple and to the point.
i don't wanna drag this torture any longer.
it's so pointless.
4:15 PM
|


i've been feeling lonesome.
i'm down, don't know what to do
i let you lie to me
plant seeds inside
to see them grow
only to leave them to die.

i learnt my lesson,
i won't be forgetting
i won't give my heart
without suspecting.
why cry
why cry
why cry
for you.

i've been lost and finding
out that i've been such a fool
you thought you'd stick around
until the day you found
someone to make me obsolete

the lyrics strike a chord somehow.
oh well.
9:51 AM
|


i'm skipping amaths.
yay.

i wished.
7:59 AM
|


i am very happy.
and everything's going fine.

its gotta do with the mindset right.
so if i keep repeating that,
that's what i'll believe.
then everything will be easier.
who am i trying to kid?
oh yeah myself.
12:25 AM
|


iggy agreed to walk around that area with me.
after midnight.
all i have to do now is to find a place to sleep over.
oh and somehow convince them to allow me to sleepover at a friend's.

eeyer. i need a foolproof story.
and a place to stay the night.
all to walk a stretch that's supposedly haunted.
and to do what, scare myself silly.
i really have nothing better to do man.

i learned my lesson
i won't be forgetting
i won't give my heart out
without suspecting.
why cry, for you?
that's easy to say. yay.

i'm doing very dumb stuff.
i'd like to know why too.
11:14 PM
|