& once again, doubt clouds the minds.
she sits and wonders what she means to you.
will she be remembered or treated like dirt.
boo! she'll take a broom to chase away those thoughts now.

it's only good to be insightful at night.
'cause then, there'll be no one to see the tears that fall.
& even if there's no one to brush the tears away, it doesn't matter.
no one will ever get the chance to anyway.
she's gonna build one of those fortress walls around herself.
this way, she's always going to be protected.

facades can really go a long while.
one big happy smile, and laugh the whole day,
and she fools practically everybody.
yay, it's heartening to know that she's finally capable of something.
4:24 PM
|


maybe, it's times like these, that your eyes really open.
and you realise that some things just must be suppressed.
'cause to let it out would it be a crime.
& a devastating mistake at that.
not everything must be spoken,
just like not everything must be adhered to.

there are times when dreams have to be crushed,
there are times when hopes have to be taken down.
& there are times when it's gotta happen, though you don't want it to.
reluctantly, yet striving so hard to make the choice.
it kills you inside to give it up,
knowing it's what you have to do calms but doesn't soothe.

it brings about immense pain.
& you'd think that to move would intensify it.
but maybe if you'd just open your eyes a little more,
you'll realise that the world's not so small after all.
you're sick of the same few things that people sprout though.
but your cries for change are always ignored.
'cause everyone's afraid of change.
they're afraid of the things that come after change.

you wonder if you'd be remembered months from now.
or cast aside, forgotten and unwanted.
that happy fairytale's unravelling even right now.
already, you're being pushed aside.
you wonder if you'll last a week, or even a few more days.
you wonder how you'll survive for the rest of your life.
can you forget, or will you dwell forever on it?

you crave to forever be remembered in a special way.
but you know that's near impossible.
no matter how much you wish, you'd never mean that much.
and pretty soon, you'll be cast aside, in favour of others.
those with better characters than yours.
& what happens then?
will you be finally broken, or can you pick yourself back up again?

you did always have a knack for putting yourself in such situations.
haven't you learnt by now that things aren't always this simple?
the world's a crazy kaleidoscope.
& your naivety stands out in stark contrast.
it spells doom, a nightmare from the start.

you hate it for pulling you to places you have never been.
and yet you love it for it's inane ability to do so much more.
your mind's too fucked up to exist.
hell, it should never have been allowed in the first place.

you love to wander all alone.
to strange places you've never ventured, and familiar ones of comfort.
poignant memories invade your mind.
and scents of long ago invade the sense.
surely you've finally found heaven.

but you couldn't be satisfied.
you just had to test each and everything.
and when it's finally gone, you mourn the loss of it.
how many times though is this cycle repeating.
are you really strong enough to withstand each fall?
or will you break just like your bones?

you always claim to be so innocent.
yet deep down inside, you're not the same person.
you know much more, and yet so little.
& you've seen so much, yet comprehend so little.
you're a contradiction unto yourself.
it's a wonder how you even survived this far.
12:04 AM
|


you're my honeybun sugarplum pumpy umpy umpkin
you're my sweetie pie
you're my cuppy cake gum drop shgemygemy-snore
the apple of my eye!
and i love you so and i want you to know
that i'll always be right here
and i love to sing
this song to you
because you are so dear!

there cinch darling!
that's dedicated to you.

and and i feel very cheery now.
thankyou iggy!
you're the nicest stick in the world.
i love you much.(:

and those are the words i can never hear from you.
9:42 PM
|


& when i woke up, it was fucking gone.
how fucking wonderful.
the very thing i needed to remind me, gone.
poof, in the middle of the night.
of all the fucking rubbish.
and now what?
what's there left now?

and i have yet to regain my appetite.
i'm just stuffing food for the sake of it.
i'm still not in the mood to eat.

the lump on my nose won't leave.
but the hole's closed already, i think.
whichever.
as long as the lump clears up,
i'll be able to repierce my nose already.(:
12:52 PM
|


Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need
Always ends up leaving me alone
Another lesson burned
And Im drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

So here I am again
In the middle of the end
The choice I wish Id made
I always make too late.

boo, i don't wanna bother trying anymore.
it's getting too hard.
was it all a facade then?
probably.

if you ever read this, though i doubt you will
'cause you wanna respect my privacy,
don't bother reminiscing, 'cause you'll forget soon enough.
don't care at all, 'cause you have better things to do.
please don't waste your time sticking around me,
you really have so much more that you could do.
have i succeeded in pushing you away yet?
please say yes.
though really the thing i want to say most is i'm sorry.

tong, babe i love you much, y'know that right?
ah wells, i do.
but babe i really can't find meaning anymore.
i'm sorry if i'm hurting you as well.
hell, i'm sorry if i'm hurting everyone else.
but i just can't find any meaning.
and i'm so tired of random times when the tears start rolling down.
i'm sick of feeling weak and abandoned.
i d'know that i'm causing all of this by my own bitchofamind.
but i can't stand me, really i can't.
i pushed everyone else away already y'know that.
would i be insane if i asked you not to stop me?

stick! you mean so much more to me than everyone else in this world.
and i love you so much it hurts when i see you down.
and though the only thing i do is hit you and swear at you,
you're the one person in the world i'd do anything for man.
but not this time, i can't do it for your sake.
i don't even know why i'm hurting now.
but you see, no one will believe me.
and i'm tired of justifying myself as well.
could you let me go?
what's the point of drifting?
there's no sense in that.

nothing really matters to me.

arm's a wreck, yet nothing will come out.
it's beyond insane, i don't care.
i want to sleep tonight, and never wake.

i sound like i'm saying my last goodbyes.
well maybe, maybe not.
blah. what does it matter anyway?
it's all the same.
8:38 PM
|




10:34 PM
|



9:39 PM
|




12:06 AM
|


that's something to ponder over i guess.
when the hell will i actually have the guts to stand up and say stop.
something tells me i'll always be a coward though.
one of those idiots who'll always complain too fucking much,
yet will never have the guts to go about doing something to settle the problem.
yep, that'll be me.

it's so typical though huh.
i always thought one day i'd mature to be a girl with guts.
i thought wrong apparently, oh so dead wrong.
even the way i am now, i disgust myself.
it's seriously appalling to look at myself in the mirror.
and see the person i am now.
maybe she was right all along.

funny, i thought i told myself i wouldn't be bothered by her.
what the fuck am i thinking now then?
i guess somehow those words will always stay.
i can tear up everything else, throw everything away.
but the memories still remain.
those goddamned fucking words of hers still remain.
hell, they're stuck in my head.

it's times like these that i want to be hugged so badly.
and i want someone to tell me that really it's all in my fucking head.
but then again, my baby can't come to live.
eeyore will forever be eeyore, nothing but a toy.
and i will always be this fucked up.
10:00 PM
|


However long the night, the dawn will break.
African Proverb

I know I made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, but the worst one was thinking the person who hurt me the most, wouldn't hurt me again

I'm so sick of my heart leading me places where there can be no happy ending

I stopped cutting because I always could have stopped cutting; that's the plain and inelegant truth. No matter how compelling the urge, the act itself was always a choice. I had no power over the urge, but the act itself was always a choice. I had no power over the flood tide of emotions that drove me to that brink, but I had the power to decide whether or not to step over. Eventually I decided not to. Stopping, however, was not at all the same thing as ending the desire. Even now, I still sometimes ache with a fierce, organic need for cutting's seductive, minimalist simplicity. I expect that I will always be the kind of person who is too much aware of the boundlessness of chaos; it's like having an unfortunate sixth sense, alive to the teeming, invisible undercurrents of anarchy streaming past us as every moment. I don't say it makes me stronger, or more interesting, or gives me character; it's just a part of my fabric of self

If it makes you happy, then I'm fine. If it makes you sleep at night, I am not suicidal. If it helps you stay ignorant, the scars that lace my body are not proof of how much self-hatred boils inside me. If it keeps you from abandoning me, I'm not crazy.

Do you ever just get that feeling where you dont want to talk to anybody? You dont want to smile, and you dont want to be happy, but at the same time, you dont know exactly whats wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you would want anything in the world, it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting, and being alone never was. At least when you are alone, no one is constantly asking you what's wrong, when you dont know the answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again... but until then, all you can do is wait.

i couldn't sleep and the result was a site that i'm gonna love tons.
quotes after quotes.
how apt.
3:08 AM
|




8:57 PM
|


maybe, though sometimes i'd say yes definitely.
and i still wish things might be a tad different.
i love the way things are though, i really do.
but for it to be better, that's more than i can ask for.

i'll give anything to change the ending.
only i'll probably sacrifice too much in the process.
and that's a risk i'm still unsure if i should take.
there's just way too much that i currently hold dear to me.
to lose them all would cripple me and kill my spirit.

but for everything, i love you.
too much for my own good.
11:47 PM
|


i still do, but i've learnt to get over it.
it's the final goodbye today.
to both of you.
bye, for good.
and it really won't matter anymore.
'cause you'll be gone.

maybe next time i'll ponder over such memories,
and wonder where i went wrong.
maybe i'll miss those days we shared.
maybe i'll wonder how you're doing.
but one thing's for sure,
i won't regret cutting myself away from you.

i'm still mad at you, maybe.
hell, i don't know.
i just can't seem to stay angry at you.
all the same, i really do wish you're happy finally.
and i do want you to have a good life,
and i don't care how cliche it sounds man.

you really meant something to me at one point in my life.
and you pretty much made a difference in it.
though frankly, most of it was bad.
but hey, at least you took away my naivety.
for that thankyou.
for everything else, i have nothing better to say.

and though it hurts me still.
i know we're always gonna walk around and treat each other like strangers.
i really doubt i'll ever talk to you again as well.
and since you're never gonna read this,
i don't know why i bother writing this here.
ah wells, all the same.
goodbye.
1:07 AM
|


one word comes to mind if you ask me to describe today.
horrible.
simply horrible beyond belief.
i don't know what i was thinking, going to school.
ah wells, maybe i'll be able to skip tmr.
i desperately crave more rest.

the bruises that pepper my body looks rather pretty.
all different varying colours.
there's black, blue, red, brown, grey and purple.
how sweet.
11:17 PM
|


i have finally learnt to play playstation.
well, kinda i guess.
for that, thankyou nick and ed.
my two most favourite people on earth currently.

school was, has always been, and will always be, not worth mentioning.
everyday is just the same old tedium.
with a slight difference now.
i'm no longer bothered by them.
hell, i'm burning those letters.
or rather, i'm passing them to ed who will burn it.
yay, too hell with you guys man.
i'm burning the bridges between us.

i'm cutting down on coke and late night snacks.
i'm also determined to do 100 situps daily, faithfully.
'cause i must shape up.
and achieve a flatter stomach by christmas.
i'm being inspired by my brother who has miraculously lost a ton of weight and seriously slimmed down man.
ah well, and yes, the three of us are trying hard to lose weight.
ed, nick and i.
we must shape up, haha.

i'm hungry now though.
shit, but i need to endure.
no midnight snacks.
however, if ed starts eating as well, i might just lose my resolve.
bloody hell.
11:36 PM
|


i threw away your extremely fucked up ring.
that was the last thing binding you to me.
and now it's gone for good.
probably where all the rubbish goes.
left alone in the food bin for many hours alone.
and taken out to godknowswhere many hours later.
probably heading to be recycled where it can be used for better purposes.
it's just too bad i didn't throw it in front of you.
that'll be the cherry on the cake.
bye then, it's really the final goodbye now.
no more half hearted farewells and running back to you for help.
hell, even your number's no longer in my sim card.
i'm proud of me, really.
i'll make a clean break from you this time, just wait and see.

anyways, today is a good day.
i've passed my minimum 3 subs.
maybe i'll pass lit?
whichever, i don't care anymore actually.

i just find it highly annoying when everyone else starts whining.
it's the usual complains.
"oh, i've done so badly," blah blah.
and then it turns out they were whining that they didn't get that fucking coveted A1 or something.
seriously, what the fuck man.

ah well, i really love the two of you much.(:

and and, i'm getting macs breakfast tmr.
-beams.
ok fine, it'll be cold and soggy,
but whatever man, i don't care.
i still get to eat it.
HAH.(:
heh

joshuasng had a very interesting comment at the end of my essay.
i pray that you will one day experience true love in it's myriad of forms. it does exist!
or something to that extent.
how amusing, really.
ah wells.
9:55 PM
|


i found nice lyrics.(:

i'm not a stranger
no i am yours
with crippled anger
and tears that still drip sore

a fragile flame aged is misery
and when our eyes meet, i know you see

i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i find it when
i am cut

i may seem crazy
or painfully shy
and these scars wouldn't be so hidden
if you would just look me in the eye
i feel alone here and cold here
though i don't want to die
but the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kill inside

i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i find it when
i am cut
pain
i am not alone
i am not alone

i'm not a stranger
no i am yours
with crippled anger
and tears that still dry sore

but i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
i'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists i find it when
i was cut

does that explain everything then?

leave me here in my stark raving sick sad little world.

i would kill, all for you.

i've never had unpaid confidantes
it's more than i would care to explain
but i have an open door policy when it comes to blame

eeyer, you and your sixth sense.
i don't like!
-whines more.
why d'you always have this inane ability to sense when i'm upset.
and next thing i know, you're there next to me offering comfort.
why d'you always get so observant when it comes to me?
you see every new thing, and i can't hide it at all.
BLAH.

it makes it even harder for me,
the fact that you can always sense where i am.
and always sense when i'm going to cry or cut.
but all the same, thankyou for too much.

i was knee deep in a sick love.
and i'm so fucking glad i'm over you.
i take back whatever i said about that not being true.
i am so fucking over you.
and i'm glad, really.
i'm throwing the ring away.
never am i gonna wear it anymore.
i'll buy my own from now on.

and and, i must find a nice long boho skirt and matching top.
'cause i said i'd wear that for christmas mass.
and hell yeah, i'll do it.
why am i even doing it,
i don't know man.

try as i might, you invade my thoughts each day.
maybe i should buy some kind of repellant.
and spray my brain with it every day.
and then you'll hopefully not be thought of at all.
ah well, i wish.

i've found heaven, it's just right there.
i've tasted heaven, it's just right there.
i've missed heaven, it's just right there.
i've been to heaven, it's just right there.
i love heaven, it's just right there.

and too many things i'd do for you.
9:05 PM
|


mel wouldn't let me drink.
neither would they let me walk to the park alone.
-pouts.
damn, now i wished edward hadn't gone to the confirmation after party.
he's the only one who would do those stuff with me.

blah, why is that for the past two days when i'm desperate to get drunk,
i'm not fucking allowed to drink.
or i'm just given at most 3/4 of a mug.
bloody hell man.
edward didn't deliver on his promise lah.
why did i have to be so damn sober?
i'd rather drink myself drunk for the past few days.
there's too many things i want to forget.

it's easy enough to say that i should forget what's been said.
but my mind's really, a fucking bitch.
and i can't.
i cried after the mass just now.

which is why i love edward so much.
he knew i was lying, but he took my word for it.
to give me the privacy i wanted.
and he did that smiley face again.
haha, thankyou bigger kid.

the balloons i bought for them were freaking embarrassing man.
they were fucking huge.
but it was worth it, to see them smile.
heh, i finally found thomas for nick.
and though the spongebob was kinda like a substitute for edward,
he still liked it, which is good.
i was expecting both of them to murder my ass 'cause the cards and all were pretty gay man.
ah well, it was pretty worth it.

i vow to start saving and working out.
then i can buy nice nice clothes at the end of the year.
yeah right, in my dreams man.

and really, i should tell sherlyn soon that i'm reconsidering joining.
damn, i keep putting it off.
she'll probably kill me if i drag it longer.
12:20 AM
|


who the fuck d'you think you are?
no seriously man, who d'you think you are?
fuck you.
after so long, you decide you can just march back into my life and start controlling me again?
fuck you to hell again dammit.
and i hope you'll rot there.
the days when you meant so much to me are gone.

i am not a fucking whore.
i do not cheapen myself to get friends.
i do not dress scantily.
fuck you man.
i don't need a fucking friend like you.
i have friends.
i don't need to sell myself out just to get friends.

just because you fucking hate guys doesn't mean i can't hang out with them.
you have no right to dictate who i hang out with bitch.
you're nobody to me anymore.
and even if you were, you still wouldn't have the right.
nobody tells me what to do, least of all you.

the guys don't see me as a fuck buddy.
hell, they don't even try to control me.
you do.
you suffocate me with your possessiveness,
you disgust me the way you try to control me.
you piss me off everytime you scold me for things i'm innocent of.
and now you've crossed the line.
and now i'm never giving you another chance.
'cause you fucked this up too bad.

it hurt, you know that.
every single fucking word in those msgs hurt.
every word threatened to cause the tears to flow.
and you had the guts to tell me it's for my own good and that i need to change.
what the fuck is wrong with you?
seriously, i don't need another mother.
and you wouldn't be a good one anyway.

thanks a lot man, i'm a slut now?
and who are you to judge me then?
1:05 AM
|


give it time, it'll grow.
nurture it, it'll prosper.
love it, it'll become you.
the fall from grace is great.
i'll watch you lie in your grave.
and laugh as you struggle.
so beautiful the fall of man.
so pretty, lucifer's rise from hell.
the devil is out to play.
and the doors won't keep him out.

one two three, one by one they slowly turned their backs on me.
what makes you think you're different?
what makes you think you're special?
it's all in your head,
i say, just give it up.

the acid in your words,
the vigour in your stance,
i loved the way you were,
until you fucked it all.
so now i'm here to say,
i'm all alone again.

i won't cry if you leave,
i won't sigh if you go.
i expected if from the start.
i'll just take it out and start to cut.
crazy though it may seem,
it sustains me and i sustain it.
5:35 PM
|




1:55 AM
|


well, i lied.
"i won't cut at the playground man."
i'm sorry man, i meant it at first, honest i did.
but thinking facilitates hurt.
and watching those kids run around and have fun,
with those kind of thoughts going through my head,
i couldn't take it anymore.

and only cowards cut so fucking shallow.

that's me then.
i'll be the biggest coward you can ever find.
though really, i'll try to change.
i don't believe it'll stay shallow forever.
maybe it's 'cause i need warmup?
though seriously, what the fuck am i saying man?

i don't wanna sleep tonight.
maybe the lack of sleep will make me so sluggish tmr, i can't do anything.
maybe the lack of proper food will make me so hungry, my brain will fail to think at all and focus instead completely on my stomach.
maybe then i'll be a zombie, and i won't think, won't feel, won't do a single goddamnedfucking thing.

making the right choice is hard man.
i see so many before me.
but the right one's that far away.
and i'm a lazy shitass pig.
my body's too sluggish and my arm won't move.
my ass is glued to my place, and my legs are stonedead.
obviously, i'm just looking for a convenient excuse but whatever man.
i won't go towards that new me i found last week.
i just don't want to.
and no, i'm not doing it to seek pity or companionship.
'cause i can jolly well do without it.
i don't need it, not at all.

hey baby, can you bleed like me?

oh wait, that doesn't apply to me.
it should be more like
hey baby, can i bleed like you?

i can honestly say i was wrong.
i was so stupid to think that i was so different than you.

i'm going to end up frustrating mel and ed.
that's good, i think.
at least, that's what i'm trying to do now.
'cause i don't want to use my brain till later.
and i don't want to function come to think of it.
i don't want to do a single fucking thing.
well, except what i started already.
but that's a whole different story.

i realise my passion isn't really into the whole creating it part.
rather i prefer recreating it.
'cause i get a huge kick out of it.
besides, all the things i need are practically laid in front of me already.
it's practically begging to be used.
maybe it'll just jump up in its haste to be used.
maybe it'll come to me in my dreams and kiss my hand.
and maybe i should stop writing rubbish.
ah well.

apparently i can't seem to piss ed off.
so he won't stop.
but maybe, just maybe i'm kinda succeeding in pissing mel off.
and then maybe he'll stop? or not.

'cause i'll get on, all by myself.

i'm going to start that whole shit routine again.
it's called, the let's start pushing everybody away again game.
how fun right.
the outcome is fun as well.
it's when i'm all alone again,
then i know i've succeeded.
unfortunately, ed and mel refuses to cooperate currently.
that's saddening.

i see the same thing everywhere i go.
why bother going back to reality, only to be hurt again?
the greater the happiness, the harder the fall.
and with no one there to break my fall, i'd rather live in my own game.
that's a certainty for me.
'cause in my game, i won't have to fall.
so i won't need to worry if there's anyone there to catch me.
that's security for me man.
of course, i may well be in delusion mode.
but whatever man, really, seriously, screw it.
i don't fucking care anymore.

london bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.
london bridge is falling down, my fair lady.

it's my crazy fucked up mind.
one by one, i'll twist this and twist that.
sooner or later, i won't remember a fucking thing.
everything is it's original form will be tainted.

twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are.
up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky.
twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are.

it's cold, unforgiving and fucking harsh.
that's reality in my mind.
so why should i step out of my warm and comfy delusion?
wouldn't that be crazy?

bah bah black sheep, have you any wool?
yessir yessir three bags full.
one for my master and one for my dame.
one for the little boy who lives down the lane.

i envy little children.
one moment they can be upset, the next they can be happy.
their lives are so carefree, so blameless.
it hurts just watching them.
it makes me cry, just to watch them run around.

c'mon baby, can you bleed like me?
10:49 PM
|


i spent the night rethinking it.
somehow i'm not gonna use it yet.
'cause i believe i'll need it soon.
pretty soon, a wedge is gonna be driven between us.
i know it, 'cause it's the same endless cycle.

it's the cycle that i know, all too well.
and i'm feeling sorry for myself.
self-pity, what the fuck man.
it's disgusting.

i see so many different things each day.
signs, i'd like to call them.
and yet, it seems to stem from my imagination.
it's my brain trying to justify my actions.
it's trying to find excuses so i won't feel like crap.

'cause it's too easy to make me feel like shit for doing what i want to.
it's too easy to make my already low self-esteem dip further.
but it just can't make me stop.
i've set my heart on it.
and when i want something bad enough, i'll normally get it.
i've picked a place, i've picked the thing.
all i need now, is the mood to do it.

and right now, all i feel is sluggish and lazy.
i'm not in the mood to do a damn thing.
i wonder how i'm gonna drag my ass out later to jog.

i wonder how i'm viewed.
i wonder how i'm thought of.
most of all,
i wonder why i was born.
i wonder what made me become this.

i remember what she said that day, 'cause it hurt me bad.
"i don't know what you're turning into. mixing with guys and drinking."
thankyou for cutting me with those words of yours.
you stepped out of my life for months and suddenly you're back.
you start to judge me once again.
thankyou for always having the ability to make me feel like shit.
hell, to feel worse like shit, if that's possible.
you really are talented, youknowthat?

and yet, i can't get mad at you.
'cause i can only blame myself for the way things are now.
i fucked our friendship up too badly for it to be salvaged.
though really, was it a true friendship.
'cause now away from you, i'd think clearer.
and i've realised that it wasnt really a true ittakestwohandstoclap kinda friendship.
rather, it reminded me more of a one sided friendship.
one gives, the other takes.
when the person giving gets tired, she starts to go.
then the person taking gives, and the person giving takes.
what the hell am i saying, i don't know.

i've getting my sugar rush right now.
baby, you broke it, it went through.
the shards went in deep.
and now they're stuck too deep in there.
yet, i'll continue smiling, just so you don't know what's happening.
12:36 PM
|


and it hurts having to pretend i'm happy now.
the tears threaten to spill so bad.
but i can't cry.
'cause everyone thinks i'm happy now.

but i've resisted enough.
i made the choice myself.
i choose to go down the smooth road,
that which leads straight to the abyss.
'cause i'm tired of pulling myself back up again.
i'm lazy, i'm tired, i'm an idiot.
whatever.

i won't regret.
'cause i made this choice myself.
i know it's wrong.
i know it's the dumbest thing to do.
i know i'm stupid to think that happiness is a lie.
that it's one huge facade, a huge deception.
i know i'm an idiot.
but it's just like what melvin was talking about.

there are four steps to conversion.
one) realisation
two) admission
three) acceptance
four) reveal

i 've realised i've a problem.
i've known that since forever.
and i admit that i have a problem.
but i refuse, i just plain flat out refuse to accept the new change.
'cause i'm stubborn.
and in my extremely fucked up mind,
i believe that the blade and pain were truly the only things that belonged to me.
everything else will eventually leave me sooner or later.
those two are the only things that will stand by me.

and i know that's rubbish.
i don't need others to tell me that man.
i know that for myself.
but i rather continue living in this sick delusion.
'cause i'm terrified of getting thrown one side again.
i'm dead scared of being hurt.
i'm a coward, a fucking wimp.
i can say all the shit i want about others being cowards.
but at the end of the day, i'm the true coward.
i don't want to face reality.
i don't want to face the cold harsh facts.
'cause in my world of pain and blood,
i am strangely happy.
'cause everything is numbed.

as the blood flows out, so does my emotions.
while i bleed, while i hurt, i numb myself.
to the point that i don't feel anything.
not sadness, not happiness, not anger, not fear, not hurt.
and that moment of oblivion is what i crave.
it's what i want so fucking badly.
'cause in that moment,
i can lie all i want to myself.
and i wouldn't have to go back the shit hole that is reality.

i am an irony unto myself.
and i was happy the past week or so.
i'm not gonna bother denying that, 'cause its the fucking truth.
but i'm tired if testing this new happiness shit to see if it'll hold.
thankyou for crushing my hope early.
thankyou for helping me lose all qualms.
i know now that i will choose the shittiest path.

i'll cry myself to sleep probably.
or maybe not, 'cause crying's for the weak.
though frankly, i am fucking weak.
where's the point in denying that as well, now that i'm being honest to myself.

i felt completely lost, that week i was happy.
i felt so frightened everytime i was alone.
i was waiting for it all to come crashing down on me.
but it didn't.
which scares me even more.
'cause now it means that my fall when it comes will be so much greater.
and knowing that makes it all the more worst.

i've lost my security net.
with it, i could have taken any blow.
i could have taken any setback.
'cause i'd know that shit can be thrown at me,
but i'd still have something to back up on.
i'd still have pain to keep me going.
but i threw it away.
and now, i'm just fucking frightened.

i need it.
i want it back so badly.
'cause life's frightening, it's scary without it.
i can't deal without it.
i'm addicted to it.
i niss it.
11:56 PM
|


i guess i've pretty much figured out why they're suddenly talking to me.
one word, graduation.
all i can say is thanks a lot.

but youknowwhat forget it man.
i've got better friends now.
people who actually care so much more for me.

i'm finally done with exams, i realise.
yay? but ah well, i'm happy.
and i celebrated fittingly today.
well kinda, it's not over yet.

went for breakfast with edward after my paper.
then stoned at his house.
we tried to sleep lah, but there were so many distractions.
we fooled around in the end.
and really, i don't care anymore what anyone else thinks.

eugene's band was there in the afternoon to jam.
and celesther came over too.
jogging was dumb lah.
we were real fools to jog at 3 in the afternoon.
nobody was in the mood man.
ah well, we'll be jogging again on wednesday,
then i'll be at the street soccer court watching them.

and fuck, i'm ready to start cursing.
ivy's vendetta is performing on the 5th of dec.
bloody fuck man.
i'm flying off for mission on that day.
what the hell.
this is so damn screwed up lah.
eeyer.

i watched stay alive with edward and nick.
bloody hell, i was crazy to suggest watching it.
the plot was dumb as hell,
but i was scared by the graphics.
and i acted like a total wimp.
but hey, it was fun.
and we're gonna do it again for the grudge.
provided its freaking pg, which i highly doubt man.
aah.
looking at nick watch a movie,
it's hard to figure out if he's stoning or watching.
his expression never changes.
or maybe i'm just too busy covering my face.
heh.

thankyou for doing everything i prayed you wouldn't do.
thankyou for lying with me on your bed.
thankyou for the hugs.
thankyou for the support.
thankyou for holding my hand.
thankyou for the advice.
thankyou for giving me the best time of my life.

i love hanging out with edward and nick.
the downside is that i'm the baby of the group.
but whatever lah, what matters is that i'm having fun.
and really, i am man.
they may have started me on drinking.
they may have taught me the wrong stuff.
but they are my pillars of support and strength.
and really, i'd do anything for them.
and i'd give up a ton for them.

which also means if this saturday's rope obs thing is gonna drag,
i'm really leaving early man.
'cause it's their confirmation this sat.
i forced edward to wear a dumb watch,
and do a jack sparrow imitation to the priest.
hell yeah, i'm going for the mass.
besides, joshua, aloy, chris will be getting confirmed too.
and excess will be there.(:

we talked about it, and came up with this conclusion.
it's no longer an excess problem.
rather, my parents have a problem with edward.
to put it simply, they do not like him.
not at all.
but really, it doesn't matter.
'cause they're not the ones who hang out with him.
i'm the one.
and i love edward chia.
he's the idiot whom i'll miss for sure in payatas.
ah well.

i need you more than life itself.
and you bring me more meaning than anything else.
my life revolves around you.
i'd do anything.
11:53 PM
|


and i'd do anything for those little gestures to mean something.
for you to hold my hand and mean it.
for you to hug me 'cause you really want to.
and not 'cause i'm upset and you're being a friend.

i wonder though, how long this friendship will last.
will it go past this year?
or perhaps, it'll fizzle out sometime before christmas.
or maybe even after october, once your school starts again.
will you remember me then?
or will i be a grey spot in your memory.

i still remember all your promises.
just today, you promised me so much.
but honestly, can you deliver them?
what's the chance of you remembering 3, 4, 5 years from now?
will i still be your little sister then?

please please please do me a huge favour.
don't hold my hands.
don't put your arms around me.
don't lie with me on your bed.
when it means nothing to you.
don't give me hope to crush it.

ah well.
i'm happy today.
hell, i'm happy everyday now.
that'a pretty big change.
thankyou, you big kid.
i love you a ton man.

i was a little earlier to church.
i'm sorry lah eugene, but it's better than last week.
heh.
i'll really try to be on time man.

joshua's a huge eeyer. heh.
"i can't eat man, my mum said i'm fat."
"you?! fat?! please lah. come i treat you."joshua.
and then he squeezed my shoulder.
bloody hell, joshua you are freaking strong man.
ah well, i still love you as well.
and no, i didn't get a treat.
'cause i wouldn't eat.
the food was damn tempting though.
ah well.

went to coffebean to study with my new study buddy, edward!
nick wouldn't join us, ah well.
i am a horrible person. heh.
edward promised mel and jo that he'd make me study.
in the end, i convinced him to walk around with me.
we went to chartwell drive park and talked.
before trying to walk through jalan binchang to get home many hours later.
needless to say, we got lost real bad.
we kept heading into deadends.
maybe you could have squeezed out sweat from our tops.
and well, my feet were killing me.
i've learnt a lesson, don't wear slippers when you're gonna walk.
wear shoes man, they're way more comfortable.

mel ain't watching with us tmr.
i really feel like whining.
i'm gonna lie and say jo's coming as well.
to assure dad i won't be the only girl.
'cause edward said he'll bring me on friday otherwise.
but nick wants to watch and oh well.
i don't wanna back out as well.
i'd rather get into trouble.

i'm gonna be an idiot and wear a dress shirt on friday.
what's more it's gonna be edward's super huge one, probably.
i'm crazy, really i am.

'cause i'd do anything and everything for you.
and i'd smile even if i'm hurting,
just so you'll be satisfied.

edit.
i met noelle while heading to the park.
according to edward, my face lit up.
man, i miss that girl tons.
it's good to see her.
ah well, noelle's an angel.
heh. i think she'd puke if she read that.
endedit.
10:04 PM
|


i was happy.
my dear sister treated me to a full body massage.
it was dammit good man, well except for exposing your fats to the masseur.
ah well, i was in heaven.
asian oils body massage.
it's bloody good.
i shall drag edward there next time.

i studied with celesther at starbucks at tts hospital.
i hate coffee, i still do.
but i don't mind the caramel frappuchino.
heh, it's good.(:

edward was late again!
haha, i expected it actually.
but hey, it got me free ice cream.
my favourite, yay.

aloy's celebrations was fun.
everybody was high.
aloy went crazy and jumped off the chair.
i think he knocked into the wall.
ah well, the management came to complain.
and aloy went around kissing this guy in front of his girlfriend.
what the hell?
joshua was weirdly high.
he kept sprouting nonsense, but i doubt he was drunk.
francine's brother was dead drunk though.
"i can spell the abcd for you!" seriously, dude don't drink if you can't hold it.
his entire face was red as hell, and he's just 16.
how come i couldn't drink?
all i had was a swig of edward's heineken.
me and nat snatched some when he was away.
ah well, he promised to get me more next time.
and yes, i really really like heineken.

and despite all that talk of no eating, i ate in the end.
i couldn't resist man, with steak staring at me.
so i had the sirloin and swiss cheese sausage.
i couldn't finish and was short of cash.
which is why i love edward so much, he finished it and paid for me.

i didn't wanna go home.
but i was still forced to by mel and jo.
which means no park, 'cause they would have murdered edward.
ah well, there's still next week.
we will walk amk park.

and and, it's getting a little annoying.
'cause everybody's like, are the both of you dating?
what the hell man, we were just talking.
ahh, seriously. eeyer.
really, honestly, edward and i aren't dating man.

forget it, you can break my heart.
just don't let this stop.
i'm crazy.
12:29 AM
|


we're celebrating aloy's birthday tmr!
and then it's nicks' birthday next week,
and eugene's the week after.
wonderful october babies from eXcess.

dadeedum, mum said i'm fat.):
i'm gonna start starving myself now,
in fact, i started today already.
i'm just gonna give myself a break tmr.
damn, it's gonna be my final good meal.
so i'm going fish'n'co at celesther's treat for lunch.
bravissimo's with edward after he jams,
marche with eXcess for dinner.
some cafe at boat quay after that,
and movenpick somewhere in between.
and i'll be walking the park at night with edward.
yay, thankyou bigger kid.

big wong is a big inspiration when i'm studying late at night. not.
stupid mel talks rubbish lah.
but ah well, it is melvin.
"wait, i need to shit. brb." mel.
and then, an eternity later,
"eh sorry ah, i fell asleep while showering. i need to sleep lah."
wth man.

i'm getting breakfast the whole of next week.
heh.(:
edward lost the damn bet.
haha, expected it.
stupid idiot can't stop drinking.
ah well, he is an alcoholic.
blah.

stupid fucking mum just nagged again.
what the hell man.
for the love of god, i don't give a fuck what people thinks of me when i'm hanging out with my friends.
who fucking cares if they're guys?
i don't give a fuck if others think i'm a slut.
i know i'm not and that's it.
you're the one who's so worried what others will think.
you're the one who just called me a damn slut.
what the fuck is wrong with you?

anyways, i'm getting chicken soon.
yay, edward's a darling.
he's buying it for me.
whee.(:

i think it's really ironic.
the one time i actually have a proper talk with my mum,
it ends up in a horrible mess.
why?
'cause she starts lecturing and stereotyping me.
what the fuck man.

ivy's vendetta.
i like, a ton.
ah well.
i may be biased as well.
it is edward's band after all.

you're making me smile now.
11:18 PM
|


i wonder now if you're just dumb, or what.
i'm not gonna play the guessing game with you.
'cause baby, i think it's just my imagination.
but damn, stop saying things like those.
'cause you just make me fall harder and harder.
and my sanity's already stretched thin.
you mean too much now,
and i'm afraid to lose it all would be deadly.

words that you say always seem equivocal.
or maybe it's just the damned mind playing tricks on me.
there's this awfully sweet smell,
and i never know if it's natural.
i'm tearing myself up inside,
battling with all the angst and whathaveyou.

you make me happy, that's for sure.
but baby, please stop saying that you'll make me truly happy.
'cause those damned words mean so much more.
and false hope is what will break my heart.
'cause it's too soft and breaking already.
unless you sell armour for the heart,
or just wait till i've learnt to harden it,
before you can start saying those things you do.
'cause then it wouldn't matter.
i'll be too far gone to care.

give me alcohol, and make me high.
the booze will make me lose my senses.
telling me that you like being with me ain't helping.
babe, couldn't you just think before you say.
teach me to go drunk,
and i'll be your most ardent fan.

i'll never tell you though,
unless by some remote chance you say the same thing.
that'll make my day youknowthat?
i'll be the happiest girl on earth,
if only those words will leave your mouth one day.
though frankly, i think it's all in my head.
the only time i'll hear it is when i sleep at night,
or in my constant daydreams.
for then i'll hear your voice, and see your face.
and i'll be hearing the exact ones that i'd love you to say.

for now, please don't leave me dry and hanging.
don't give me the hope, only to crush it one day.
'cause you'll probably affect me, the way no one else can.
and i'll go crazy, if i'm broken again.
please don't break my fragile self.
but then again, don't leave me all alone and sad.
'cause then, i'll still be broken all alone.

i'm fucked up, yes i know.
i can never figure out what i truly want.
yet baby, somehow i feel that you're the one.
though really, it'll never happen.
'cause to you, i'll always be the little kid.
and babe, i'm really not that young.
it seems to me, that i'm just a little sister.
just someone to relive your stupid childhood with.
but you're not much older either.
a few years doesn't make a hell lot of difference.
but i'll be damned if you care.

stop me from falling pretty please.
i'll give up anything, if you could stop the fall.
'cause i know that there'll be no one there.
with plasters and bandages to patch me up.
instead i'll probably get the jeers and taunts.
of people who warned me but were repelled.
will that happen, i'd like to know.
but somehow, something tells me you won't know.

one more month, that's all i have.
when school starts, you'll probably forget.
i'm probably just a means of entertainment.
to while away your days of boredom.
it doesn't matter i hope to say.
'cause i get it all the time.

but baby please know that i'm sick of it.
and i will crumble, if treated that way.
'cause thrice is one time too many.
and to fall again would be my death.

so just tell me who i really am.
stop beating about the bush to talk.
cut to the point and lessen the pain.
i'll bring ice to numb my heart.
but then, the friendship will disintegrate.
and damn, you just mean too much to me.
11:56 PM
|


i don't feel anything,
isn't that amazing.
i don't want everything,
just a little bit of nothing.

am i happy?
good question, i don't know.
i know that hanging out with edward everyday makes me happy.
chilling with nick and mel cracks me up.
and h2o every week leaves me with a smile.
but i don't know.
ah well, no point troubling over it i guess.

i'm laughing more now.
hell, iggy's not gonna have a chance to ask why i look sad.
so it's probably for a good thing.

had bio paper just now.
unfortunately, you can't crap for science.
do that, and just ready yourself to fail.
which is what i'm doing now actually.

lit was nicer.
it's the one paper i'm satisfied with.
i had all of one quote, but for the first time,
i actually knew what i was writing.
i wasn't frantically scribbling nonsense while racing against time.
i actually planned out what i was going to write,
and could even sit there and happily write slowly.
so even if i don't get a satisfactory mark,
i wrote what i could, and i liked my answer.
for that alone, i'm happy.

went to edward's house again.
man, eugene didn't know i was there.
what the hell lah, i stayed for more than 4 hours.
but then again, i was sleeping in edward's room,
and i didn't even go out.
so yeah, i guess, maybe.

and to try to get me to study for amaths tmr,
edward's buying me nose studs if i pass at least 3 subs and advance.
haha, i want the studs badly.
but i hate studying.
-whines.
man, he's a huge idiot lah.
heh.

yes i love you cindychiaxinyu.
you know that don't you.
haha.

i finally bought my red bull.
massive cramming tonight?
i wanted to get food as well,
only i couldn't find the cereal.
blah, oh well.

oh wait, bass tmr.
and i only practiced once.
damn, so maybe study then practice.
or just practice the whole night, heh.
i really really hate amaths.

hmmm baileys'
thanks a lot for sparking my interest in it lah.
i don't care, if you get a bottle,
i insist on trying some.
HEH.(:
and no, you're not really corrupting me.
i choose what to do.
myself.
9:01 PM
|


i believe i'm the only crazy cedarian who's not studying, who can't be bothered about her papers at all, and who's going out to have fun during this exam period.
in fact, i just got home.
and i would have stayed out longer if edward hadn't forced me home.
i love being with them lah, what can i say other than that?

ge and chem was pure rubbish.
i have nothing better to say about it frankly.
i didn't study, so i'm not gonna bother worrying if i'll pass.
if i fail, so be it man, i didn't want to care about it anyway.
hell, i was falling asleep during both papers and happily writing rubbish.

went to edward's house with lunch after the paper.
i was about to sleep but we had to leave for the stadium.
turns out track was off limits so we went to the gym instead.
exercising with edward, mel and nick is damn fun.
"how many laps did you do man?"
"6" mel.
"9" edward.
"shit man, i just did 1.1." nick.

i stoned at the street soccer court.
i tried studying, really i did.
but nothing went into my head, so i gave up.
settled for watching them play instead.
joshua was high, 'cause of his duck rice or so he said.
the other teams were scary,
i think ben got pissed with them, oh well.
"alphonso.. alphonso!"
dude, the guy's name is alphonsus lah.

mum and dad thinks that eXcess is a horrible influence on me.
especially edward, nick, mel, and ben.
just 'cause they drink and/or smoke.
oh, and i guess 'cause i'll stay out till 'late' when i'm with them.
though honestly speaking,
my idea of late and their idea of late is extremely different.
to them, as long as it's dark, it's late.
to me, there's no such thing as a specific time for late.
ah well.

i love edward's mum man.
"edward, what's this? how many times must i tell you not to buy such drinks."
apparently, hooch is not real alcohol and is taking up space in the fridge.
you wanna drink, drink properly. drink beer.
and fyi, the hooch wasn't even edward's.
i'm betting it was eugene's.
and every time chris and nick go over to drink,
she asks if they want more beer and pizza.
oh and no wine either.
'cause wine is class, and they have no class.
it's hilarious, really.

i wanna jog again tmr.
all this exercising is contagious.

i can't seem to get myself into exam mode.
and frankly, i don't give a damn already.
next year's gonna be worse.
why worry now?

joshua's a horrible cop man.
heh. slacker.
hell, they all are lah.
but so am i, which is probably why i fit in?
or do i really?

so if you need anything i'll try to help you as far as i can.
that's why i love this guy to bits.
and knowing that it applies to the other guys as well.
it's like a band of protectors.
only i still have to fight my own battles.
they just cheer me up if i lose,
and celebrate with me if i win.
but they still protect me from whatever else they can.


"see, now i'm giving you the ring. take it as a gift from me, not her. so it's no longer sad, it's happy. 'cause i'm giving it to you. or something to that extent."
you wouldn't happen to know what almost happened would you?
"you want me to hug you? you can pretend i'm your baby."
man, sometimes i wanna shake sense into your head.
but then again, you wouldn't know.
and i'll be damned if i let you know man.
i'd rather keep it hidden.
'cause once again, it's better off squashed.
and i'll smile as long as it can continue.
nope, i'm not noble man.
or self-sacrificing or whatever.
i'm just scared. and a coward.

i'm happy the way things are anyway.
no point doing something stupid, to thrash it all.
i have eXcess to do dumb stuff with.
a bunch of guys who can and will catch me if i fall and prop me back up.
a bass to vent my frustrations on.
and my baby to hug.
what more can i ask for man?

i don't believe in you now.
i've seen too much.
and i'm much happier now.
i've proven to myself,
i don't need you man.
go fuck someone else's life up man.
you've done enough damage to mine.
go screw your own life frankly.
now that i've seen through all those lies of yours,
i feel so much better.
and i'm glad.

i just kinda wish that training won't resume.
'cause np's gonna make me unhappy again.
and i'll do anything to avoid all of that.

"drink red bull before your paper lah!"mel.
haha, if i can actually leave the house early,
why not man?

why do i hang out with edward everyday mum?
'cause you see mum, he's my pillar of support now.
and he's a genius in predicting my moods.
and youknowwhat, he actually protects me.
and no mum, we're not dating man.
10:26 PM
|


i don't care how mushy and stupid this is going to sound.
but i honestly feel loved and cared for.
thankyou eXcess.

it's the little little things that you guys do that really makes my day.
i felt real touched on sunday when joshua hugged me.
i was expecting just a hello after mass or something,
or maybe even to be ignored. but i got one big hug.
right about when i was feeling kinda blue.
thankyou joshua, i love you tons.

and then talking to ben cheered me up a little too.
just knowing that he cared enough to bother.
same for joanna, alphonsus, aloysius, eugene, nick, amanda, nat.
i'll smile for you guys.

and then melvin.
thankyou so much for staying up all the time.
to accompany me while i'm studying, to listen to me cry.
hell, just to talk to me 'cause i don't wanna sleep.
man, i feel guilty.
considering you hate studying, and you were tired.
yet you bothered.
it means a lot to me.

edward! what can i say man.
you're honestly one of the best.
thankyou for the booze, the jacket, the bed, hell, everything.
thankyou for offering a shoulder to cry on.
and a body to hug.
thankyou for letting me dump my emotional baggage on you,
and still you don't complain.
thankyou for changing my life.
the tuition, the group.
there's so many things i wanna thank you for.
i can't even think where to start frankly.
all the same, you've done a ton for me.
and i really really appreciate everything.
even shelving your embarrassement to cheer me up.
i love you a lot edward chia.
thankyou.

at least i know if i'm crazy enough to think too much,
i still have people who care,
and people who will do anything for me,
and who will probably get me the moon if i asked for it.
all just to see me happy.
and really, it's kinda like the first time i realised it.
12:33 AM
|


yeah, i broke the deal.
and i'm sorry.
you don't really have to be disppointed with me.
i'm disappointed with myself.
i think melvin will be too.

counselling wasn't that bad after all.
i like(:

and i went out again.
the day before another exam.
man, my priorities are really fucked up.
but hey, i had good food, so i can't really complain.
and i had my bailey's.
the perfect way to kinda end a day.
alcoholic ice cream.

and lucien's a really big idiot.
nobody performs at a gig holding the lyrics in their hands.
it's bloody unprofessional, and downright dumb.
and for a first gig, that's not the image the cut-outs should be portraying.
damn, triple damn, the poor band.

focus, focus. i must focus.
your apology came a tad late.
though, it's not your fault at all.
you made me think though, that's something i've been trying not to do.
did i fuck your life up more?
did i really make it happier?
or was it forced happiness?
blah, you're confusing me.
but, thankyou all the same.
for some of the nicest moments of my life.
no matter what, i've always regarded you as a friend and sister.

i figured i should learn to treat it all as a closed chapter.
if only it was easier to do than say.
then, it wouldn't be so bad after all.

you know what to do, you know what i did.
since you know everything, just clue me in.
i am such a wreck, i am such a mess.
i know what i know, why don't you fill in the rest?
i will bring you down, i will make it bad.
while you're feeling proud, why don't you help me?

you know what to say, you know what i said.
you know what i dream sleeping in my bed.
you hold all the keys, you know all the roads.
why don't you guide me in, if i'm such a lost soul?
i'm spinning round, i will make you ill.
since i'm so broken down, why don't you fix me?

i am haunted while i am sleeping.
try to give without receiving.

i will be a walking zombie tmr.
i intend to fully utilise the remaining time i have left.
and mug for all i'm worth.
of course, since it's extremely last minute mugging,
i don't expect to retain most of what i'm reading.
but i'm hoping that enough stays in my head such that i can possibly pass.
my aim is to pass 5 subjects.
if i can pass emaths, all the more better.
you'll see me walking around happy as hell.
who cares if i end up looking like ms panda eyes?
i already have horrible eyebags.
so there.
11:05 PM
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tell me what we did was normal.
and i'll love you forever.
my sister disapproves completely.
and i can't say i blame her much.
only, i wish there could be another explanation.
though, frankly, i don't know what i'm doing either.

i'm afraid, i'm really afraid.
i guess i'm just waiting for it to come crashing down on me.
i'm waiting for the day that you'll turn your back on me.
like what everyone else has done.
i'm terrified i'll get hurt again.
but i can't seem to stop from giving it my all.
why did you stomp into my comfort zone.
now i'm too far gone with no way back.

will you?
will you be like all the others?
you promised me no.
but so did they.
and look what happened.

please don't let me fall.
'cause there really wouldn't be anyone there to break my fall.
and i'm tired of hitting the ground hard.
you can push away all the tears and grimaces, just by being.
i'm falling hard, and i don't like it.
please don't be so nice.
please, for my sanity.

ignore me, scream at me, whatever.
for my peace of mind, just do it.
'cause i don't know what's running through that mind of yours,
and that's what scares me a thousand times more than anything else.

i'm a fool, and a big one at that.
i'm an idiot who really should lock up all her emotions.
11:16 PM
|


we're already making plans for my 18th birthday, wth.
that's three years from now.
and we're already planning to celebrate at a bar.
man, you're seriously corrupting me.
but, you know i love you right.
1:11 AM
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