maybe you just don't get it,
but you know, i'm running away again,
'cause i'm terrified of the consequences if i stay.
& i'd rather hurt in silence then commit the same mistake again.

call me a coward if you may,
rant at me and lecture me as many times as you like.
it's not gonna make a difference.
'cause i'm just not strong enough to withstand that shit.

i love stick, thankyou tons.
i'm sorry you had to stay out till 3.45 yesterday night with me.
i'm sorry you had to listen to me pour out everything.
i'm sorry i dragged you out of bed at 1 to have supper with me earlier.
& thankyou so very very much for being there for me.
i'm still fucking upset, but you brought a smile to my face.
thankyou waggy, you're the best hon.

camp's in a few freaking hours.
i still haven't packed,
nor have i started on preparations.
i think i'm out to get myself in deep shit.
ah wells, i've never been on good terms with the sqd anyway.

hello ben!
if you're reading this, you must be very bored.
poor you huh?
cut down on the number of sticks please,
even if work is really damn boring.
bye ben, love!

i'm really damn tired.
but i can't sleep):
i'm gonna be a freaking zombie during camp.
and there's not gonna be sufficient sleep during camp as well.
oh damn.
i want to sleep so freaking badly.
blah.

you you you,
you're an idiot, a damn big one.
oh but wait, you wouldn't know anyway.
i wanna run far away from you,
but damn, i always come back in the end.
it's pretty much like torture,
why couldn't you just stay out of my life?

i saw you in school today,
i don't know why but it kinda hurt a little.
& i guess it contributed to all the crappy feelings.
maybe you still mean something?
but it's a bloody closed chapter man,
or rather as closed as i can make it.
i just hope you're happy.
1:54 AM
|


ok, i swear i didn't know it was a date,
and hell, i still don't believe it was.=/

you you you,
you irritate the hell out of me youknowthat?
stop telling me to do certain things,
then get all prissy at me for doing that,
and tell me i'm doing wrong.
fuck you lah.

no actually, i take it back.
blah, i just can't stay mad at you.
this is how pathetic you've reduced me to.
i doubt you actually know that you're the cause though.
i'd love to be over and done with you, really.
darlingstick was right ultimately.
it really is stupid to wait here at the sidelines.
but fuck it, i can't seem to move on.

it's been a crazy two days.
filled with things that have made me highly unhappy.
i miss best friend):
he may irritate the hell out of me sometimes,
but i'll be damned if he's not there whenever i need him.
eeyer, will you just hurry back bff?
i need you badly,
to chase away all the blues and make me smile.

you you you!
go to hell thankyouverymuch.

fuck, i should never have gone out today.
fuck fuck fuck.
oh sweet jesus, help me.
oh bloody hell, crappy hell.):
10:10 PM
|


i'm glad the stick i knew and loved was back yesterday.
but who am i kidding by saying that it's a definite return?
hell, you keep skirting the topic hon,
perhaps, i'm just holding out for too much.

would you care if i said i really miss you?

on a side note, yesterday's soakingoffirewood was pathetic.
i must say that i really have awesome training department mates,
who don't bother helping out at all.
oh no, they'll just sit there and procrastinate the whole time.
indeed, i really appreciate all the support shown by you guys.

cedar npcc annual camp 2006.
the mere mention of it scares me,
i'm dreading going for camp next week.
knowing that we're gonna be in charge doesn't make things easier.
in fact, it makes me dread it even more.
i wonder how much punishments and scoldings we'll achieve.

i'm tired of running,
i need to stop and face reality,
but you see, i don't know how.

my legs are getting tired,
pretty soon they're gonna stop from exhaustion.
i can't go on like this,
but again, i don't know how else.

i'm sick of curling in a corner and crying.
i'd really love to be helped,
and then i can help stick.
'cause they were right,
there's no way i can help me in my state.
but i don't know how.

& it's killing me.
11:56 AM
|


i'm upset, duh.
i hate that question, please stop asking me.
& i don't know, i feel pointless at the sidelines.

at times like these, i wish i had never met you,
you're fucking my life upside down.
though really, it's me who's playing with my own mind.
7:51 PM
|


i hate hearing you ask me why now,
i hate hearing the desperation in your voice,
i hate that you sound so fucking helpless,
i hate that there's nothing i can do for you at all.

you're really killing me hon,
you're tearing me up inside.

i can't sleep, 'cause your words are on constant replay.
i can't smile, 'cause i see that fucking sad smile of yours.
i can't laugh, knowing that you're so unhappy.

you frighten me so much,
i don't know what other dumb things you can come up with.
i can't imagine december without you man.

it's like looking at one whole boring month,
with extremely lonely nights,
& many long hours spent crying myself to sleep,
'cause there'll be no one there.
shit man, you suck.

when you're there, i just want to strangle and whack you,
but you're that lively spark that always brightens up my day,
it's so terrifying, the prospect of you falling so low.

you're important to all of us you idiot,
if she doesn't see it, that's her problem, not yours.
please stop blaming yourself,
& quit acting nonchalant, 'cause you're not.
the pain in your voice is fucking evident,
stop taking me for a fool, i can fucking hear it.

i wish you'd stop beating yourself up over it,
'cause it's not just you who's feeling the hurt.
we're all upset for you, but fuck you for not listening.

you bring the i back in idiot.
10:57 PM
|


i hope you know just how much we care for you,
i hope you understand that we're fucking frustrated for you,
i hope you see that you're killing us with your stupidity.
i hope you find what you're searching for.
in the meantime, i'll always be here for you, & so will they.
i love you tons babe, & i'll always try.

i'm sorry darling eugene.
it's just that trust is fucking hard for me.
but thankyou for being there always,
i love you too man.

you're leaving too soon,
i'm so afraid of being abandoned again,
i'm so scared of being alone,
& your promises just don't reassure me enough,
'cause i've fallen too many times,
it's getting way scarier.

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel, i'm scared to try man.
like c'mon, didn't i confide in edward,
& look at now,
how mel, how?
11:57 PM
|


the meaning of stupid in this case,
#oo1 tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes,
#oo2 characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless,

now does that make much sense?

i figure it explains just why i'm doing it.
& really, i'm keeping my damn mouth shut about everything this week.
it's different this time,
i don't care about opinions,
& i sure as hell won't come crying back when something happens.

'cause even if something happens, i chose that route,
it's my decision, i'll bloody well live with it.
if i screw up too badly, well that's just too bad then.

it seems like all just such a dream once again,
& to fall would mean nothing,
that's nothing but just a dream though.
dreams aren't reality, they're just a fragment of the imagination.

& now that you're no longer going to be there for me,
to fall would spell certain death.
i'm too scared to try again,
it's so much safer here on the ledge,
yet the ground has never looked so fucking inviting before.

let's just jump & forget all the shits in life,
i'll abandon it all for a chance to pretend it never existed.
& nothing will matter 'cause i'll be too stoned out to bother again.
i'm sorry it couldn't be the perfect dream.
but even perfection is a flaw in itself.
10:56 PM
|


i'm fucking bored, and bloody frustrated.
all i want to do now is run far away from where i am currently,
either that or go strangle iggy that fucking moron.
but no!
i have no where else to go apart from home,
which is definitely nowhere i wanna go now,
and fuck it lah, i don't feel welcomed anywhere now.
screw this shit,
i just wanna find a corner to curl up in,
now why is that so fucking hard man?

ny darling stick,
can you please just stop doing this to yourself?
you're killing me man, really you are.
d'you know how hard it is for me to see you doing stuff like this to yourself?
it really makes me understand how you felt whenever i did shit to myself.
but damn man, all this for one girl?

babe, i love her tons too man.
but you really mean a lot to me, way more than she does.
& knowing that i'm completely helpless,
knowing that there's nothing i can do for you,
'cept stand there and watch you torture yourself this way,
fuck you man iggy, you're killing me.

i don't want anyhing from you for christmas man,
i just want to see you truly happy.
not some ohimpretendingtobehappybutactuallyijustkeepdrinking kind of happy.
please do me this huge fucking favour babe,
just pretty please listen to whatever gary, chris, justin, alex, ally or whoever's telling you.

if you won't listen to me, if you won't alleviate my worry,
please just don't shit yourself this way.
babe, i swear i'll let you do whatever,
errr anything but shit to yourself.
i love you too much to stand seeing you this way.
please stick, just please stop this damn madness.
8:04 PM
|


i feel highly awful for brushing all of you off,
& i keep hoping i'll hear from you.
this is getting ridiculously stupid,
d'you really care?

stop pushing me to everybody else.
'cause you'll make me withdraw further and further from you.
& i don't want that to happen at all.
can we just return to the past?
10:11 PM
|


you don't know shit.

fuck this, i'm mad at you guys for that.
yet, i'm madder at myself for getting mad at you'll.
tell me why?

by saying all that to me,
you guys are just spurring me on to doing stupider stuff.
hell, i've almost convinced myself to go down on wednesday.

haven't you realised by now who's the biggest influence?

i wish you'd understand,
when it crashes down on you,
& you see the door slamming shut,
how it feels to be left out on the asphalt.

i wish you'd see,
when all's been said and done,
& there's no path left up the hill,
how it feels to be brought to your knees in the cold.

the void consumes everything,
& try as i may, there's no rope going out from the abyss.
it's bringing everything to a halt,
& the heavens won't cry even when the end comes screeching to a close.
you're encroaching in on my comfort zone,
& it's too cold and lonely now.

i wish you'd find,
when the light loses it's colour,
& the darkness cloaks the deceit and lies,
what's left of the brokenness.

i wish you'd know,
when the cold numbs all the senses,
& the chasm eats away at the fringes of your sanity,
where all the crippled shards have dissipated to.

the void consumes everything,
& try as i may, there's no rope going out from the abyss.
it's bringing everything to a halt,
& the heavens won't cry even when the end comes screeching to a close.
you're encroaching in on my comfort zone,
& it's too cold and lonely now.

forget all this mess,
& just go to sleep once again.
remain in the safety of your home,
where all the uninitiated stay,
& i'll go to a place where you won't find me.
it's there where the light finally meets the dark,
& it's the start of something new.
7:33 PM
|


i skipped lessons again, ah well.

the party felt like a complete disaster to me,
what with awfully bad planning,
& non-stop bitching bout the food.
seriously what the fuck man.
but i'm glad there was prachit & bung to brighten up the mood.
i love them both.

the night was the highlight, and it made my day.
we kept switching movies 'cause nick felt they were unsuitable for me,
-mutters.
we settled for jackass in the end.

i love jeremy!
he's the first person to agree with me, haha.
& on a sidenote, his pullover is bloody huge.

& i fucking got chased home,
'cause edward would have killed eugene if i was still there when he came home,
so i can't let my bff die,
and had to go home bloody early,
& just at the start of the southpark movie.
BLAH):

i'm fucking tired now and there's pk course tmr,
damn, i think i'll doze off lah.
11:14 PM
|


i may have other commitments or go around doing the craziest things,
but baby you'll always hold that special place in my heart,
& i care so much i don't want to see you hurt at all.

'cause you know, it's killing me watching you tear yourself up this way,
it's like watching eddy or nicky do something dumb & screw themselves,
only hon, you mean the most which fucking magnifies the pain.

i know it's a need, i know you're fucking hurt,
but please baby, stop killing yourself this way,
you're not doing anyone any favours,
& you're slowly but surely hurting everyone around you,
gary told you that for a reason,
i'm fucking sure it tears him up to watch you like that as well.

it's scary how i can always tell you and nat most things,
'cause we're all so fucking similiar it's damn freaky,
& i hate to admit but i'm afraid.

& you'll be leaving soon which always brings the tears back,
i'll miss you badly when you're gone,
& another pillar will just poof, up and disappear.
i need you actually, but i'll never tell you,
'cause there's so much you've got going on for you,
& it's crazy to waste your time.
12:31 AM
|


& i wonder how much longer this will take,
it's insanely crazy how the cycle repeats.

but i believe that with determination, i can.
or at least that's what i'm trying so very hard to tell myself.

i learnt many new things today,
it's a matter of convincing myself now i guess,
& to trust in god.

thankyou so very much my darling bff,
i love you eugene chia!
haha, you rock you eeyer fella.

& thankyou little one,
i never thought you'd still bother,
and thankyou for the advice & counsel.
i love you much as well.

you guys mean just so much to me y'know,
i love you'll much.
& if there's anything i have to give up,
i promise from now, i'll honestly try my very best to,
'cause the friendship is not what i wanna lose.

you gotta do the best you can each day,
& live it the best way you can,
& then you just see what happens tmr.
& it'll continue in a cycle.

that's the gist of this quote i got from riding the bus with my sister.
it's a smashing show,
very meaningful and i guess it kinda meant something to me,
well personally lah.

rejection's good for you,
it makes you move on.

& thankyou nat, for agreeing.
i love you too babe.
10:57 PM
|


nope, i wasn't unhappy,
at least i don't think i was.
but, i wanted to be alone,
which was why i left everyone else.

i feel bloody fucking miserable now,
which pisses me off even more,
'cause i don't know what's causing it.
i typed a long rant in my phone while at that place earlier,
& then i almost fell asleep, fuck.

& seriously, screw whoever didn't fix the lights in the park,
i almost walked into the pond in the dark,
& i didn't have enough guts to stay alone in pitch blackness,
fuck, i'm a coward.

walking around alone is fucking boring,
& i hate it, but i wanted so badly to be alone,
it really didn't matter that i'm pushing everyone else away,
there was this horrible need to be all by myself.

i'm sorry you, but i can't be like nat.
just take it like i don't know when to be happy alright?
& just take it as you guys can stop helping me already,
since i don't know how to help myself, let alone let others help me.
hell, i don't even know how to love myself.

i wanted to pray,
but somehow the words couldn't form,
& i felt as though god wouldn't be listening to me,
& at that moment, i've never felt so lonely.

i wasn't thinking at all, surprisingly,
or wait, i wasn't doing the major thinking that i normally do.
hell, i just sat there and really stoned.
i didn't want to cry, i didn't want to laugh,
i couldn't feel a fucking thing at all.
it felt bloody pathetic, like one fucking void.

i knew that somehow i was suppressing everything,
i was trying so hard to forget & not think,
'cause i didn't want to cry or tell anyone anything,
i'm so fucking sick of crying & talking to others,
it doesn't help at all, not one bit.
& i'm proud to say the tears didn't fall.
though honestly, i started craving a comforting touch.

it hurts thankyouverymuch,
& though i hate being alone,
i need it too, & i'm so contradicting myself.
i crave a hug, one that's comforting & warm,
& can just chase away the unhappy thoughts.

i wish that i'm bipolar.
at least i'll be able to feel happy sometimes.

my hand's a fucking mess, & i've even started on the right.
my only justification is that the left stopped feeling.
it was only numbness,
& i can't deal with that.

i'm losing hope that i'll be able to help myself,
i'm losing hope that i'll be able to let others help me,
i'm giving up hope in learning to deal with this,
'cause i feel like i don't fucking deserve anything.

sure, i feel that life is meaningless,
but i don't know anymore if i really want to die.
i don't know what i want at all,
& it doesn't help that my emotions are fucking numbed,
it doesn't help one bit that i can't feel a fucking thing.
'cause it just makes it harder to do anything at all.

it's a fucking masquerade that i'm putting up.
one big pretend every day that i'm happy & everything's fine,
when in reality i feel fucking down,
& yet i don't know why at all.
the tears fall & i can't comprehend the reason,
i do it more & i don't know why.

y'know i really miss you guys tons.
especially when i don't see you'll at all.
but somehow, when i do see you guys,
i wish i never did at all.

i only know to hate this person i am,
i've never learnt otherwise.
& i really wish that there's someone,
who can just assure me that everything will be ok,
& i'll believe that person.
but it's all wishful thinking,
& starting to sound so fucking repetitive.

i wonder if this is just a phase,
'cause if it is, it's starting to wear me out a lot,
& i'm getting tired of it,
but i have no clue how to snap out of it.

nana wants me to throw away everything that i've been using.
but baby, i really can't.
it doesn't just mean throwing away my blade.
there's my ruler, my safety pins, my pencils,
hell, anything that has a sharp tip or hell,
as long as it can scratch skin, i use it.
i can't throw them all away.
how do you throw away your fingernails anyway?

i think i shall slap myself the next time i start crying/tearing,
or maybe start some silly mantra,
or maybe pinch myself.
tears are bad for health,
will that work?
i don't know.

everyone's giving up slowly.
i thought i'd be happy,
but strangely enough i'm not.
fuck this to hell and back.

alone, alone, alone.
just tell me it's better to be alone,
then hurting everyone else around.

i just want to sleep & never wake up,
make that possible for me please?

i don't want to be lonely, i just want to be alone.
go figure.
9:07 PM
|



& i met you in wonderland,
12:09 AM
|


& i really wonder what you had hoped to achieve,
by telling me that you're angry and disappointed in me.
surely you know by now that i don't care what you or the sqd thinks of me.
for god's sake, don't start ranting and then don't even tell me why you're throwing a bunch of fucking crap at me.
you're just wasting my time and yours.

& fyi, i never asked for any of your help.
hell, i never wanted it.
so why bother yourself then?
like i've told you probably about a hundred times already,
i know perfectly well what the fuck i'm doing,
i know just fine who i'm hanging out with,
& i know exactly what i want to do.
& really, i don't give a fuck if you approve of it or not.
'cause it's my life, not yours.

& if you're mad 'cause i skipped the meeting,
i gotta say i'm hell glad i did that.
there's so many other things that i can do than attend it.

there, that's all with ranting.
oh and the 'rents suck.
i hate them, really i do.

so i must say it feels good to rant it out.
but then again, there's that little nagging urge to fulfil.
ah wells, they won't know.
not if i'm careful.
10:44 PM
|


and soon it'll be 27.
fuck this, i'll miss prachit.
but i don't feel torn up that she'll be gone.
i feel fucking guilty as a result.

damn this, i miss the times when i cared so much,
'cause now i find myself not giving a damn.
& though i know i don't care.
i feel beat up about the fact that i don't care.
it's so contradictory.
i hate this.

tell me again why i'm bothering?
11:25 PM
|


i swear i hate calling maams,
there's always this sense of trepidation.
you never know if you're gonna say the wrong thing,
and lend yourself in hot soup.
so, i'm just gonna drag till maybe 9.30 before i start calling.
BLAH,
screw annual camp,
screw the mission trip.
thanks for taking up my entire holiday.

i learnt how to compose my own melody and riffs today,
for all the good it'll do me.
we'll never form a band,
& even if we do, we won't have the confidence to play it,
or we'll just keep dragging it.
i must say i think the idea's awesome,
but i'll only do it if nat's in as well.

oh and idiot edward came up with a dumb name for our band,
natine.
what the fuck?
oh well, still.
i love little one much.
& darling stick
& dear nat.
& eeyer ec.
& retarded little boy.
& niiiiiiiiiicky.
sheesh, i'm sounding like an ahlian.
gross.
9:11 PM
|


thankyou for not nat,
i love you much.(:

& yeah, i'm starting to believe very much in god.
so i'm just posting my testimonial here,
'cause i know i can never post this in the excess forum.

so, i wanted badly for my right arm to turn out like the left.
i wanted blood, i wanted pain, i wanted it to be cut up bad.
but while i was sitting there, slowly cutting and reopening,
somehow something stopped me from cutting deep.
something stopped me from reopening too many.
something caused me to retract the blade,
just like something cause me to stop and think earlier,
& choose to leave the blade alone.

i believe that something is god.
& i strongly believe that it was god who stopped me from cutting yesterday and today.

i was mood swinging badly today,
& many times i almost broke down,
& yes, i teared,
but somehow there were people nearby and around me.

every single time i've doubted myself or broken down the past few days,
there have been so many people around to pick me up.
nat, eddy, nick, mel, ec, cel, stick, jo, nana.
& i believe god placed them there for me.

i'm changing i think.
i would never talk about god in the past.
thankyou excess for bringing him back in my life.

& thankyou lord, for letting your presence be known.
12:38 AM
|


i dreamt of darkness,
it's call so sweetly perfect.
let it not be taken away,
'cause in the light too much is revealed.
11:04 PM
|


i'm crying again.
no fuck this, why am i crying?
why couldn't mel whack me harder with the guitar?
i'm sorry tong, it's not working.

give me the freedom to let a tragedy unfold,
allow me the dignity to end this disgusting sham,
show me the way to bring about the beginning & the end,
bring me my life on a platter to be thrown away.

lead me to death's beautiful welcoming door,
let me be the one he embraces with a smile & open arms,
then shower me with abundant pain and blood,
& i will be eternally grateful.

blood has a cloyingly, coppery sweet scent,
it's the scent of precious release,
the best smell on earth,
it's the one thing i'll ever need.

bring about the two things i crave most,
let it all come down on me in one fell swoop,
& take away everything else i feel,
'cause i hate this self too very much.

little one,
tell me you were kidding when you said that.
thankyou.

i love tong, tong loves me.
we are one big family,
with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,
won't you say you love me too.
wth, this is insane.

what liars we can be.

loneliness, maybe that's where we all will end up in.
anger, maybe that's all we'll feel finally.
fear, maybe that's what will drive us to insanity.
happiness, maybe that's nothing but a dream.
& we'll drown in our emotions,
'cause they're just too messed up.
we can't survive in this mayhem.
11:37 PM
|


it's so hard to believe in things that you can't see yourself,
see yourself.
behind the scene lies more than you can understand yourself,
stand yourself.

there's too little.
i don't like.
i can't feel it.
i don't like either.
i can't cry.
this sucks.
i can't smile.
fuck all this to hell.

it's become just swells once again.
screw this shit.

my bubble burst again.
so once again it's nothing but a dream.
a crazy insane nonsense.

i'm a prisoner of my mind.
well, according to tong.
and frankly i agree.
but too bad babe,
i don't wanna do anything about it.

& i'll fall to my knees in tears,
never knowing if i'm sad or hurt,
only sure that i can't take this shit.
12:26 AM
|


& to convince you,
really i feel so much better now.
i've been feeling awfully cheerful since i cried on saturday.
really, it's getting ridiculous.
but ah wells, it's a good thing.

today, ok, technically yesterday was smashing awesome.
it felt good to spend money that i saved like hell for.
it felt so damn good.
i'm gonna do it more often, haha.

& shopping with jo is cool.
yes LITTLE ONE, i've learnt that you guys care.
& that i should hang out with you guys more.
i'll take your advice and pester all of you every afternoon.
does that make you happy now?
haha.

& thankyou for making my day with that promise.
i've got a burning question to ask you,
but i think it's best left to myself.
thankyou so much again.
i promise to keep it entirely to myself.
i love you much.(:

actually i have no idea who i'm trying to convince.
heh.
2:39 AM
|


i've finally learnt that there are people who care.
thankyou.
i really love you guys.
9:04 PM
|


it feels lonely, crying by myself each night.
my only comfort is i don't cry myself to sleep.
'cause then it'd be way too obvious.

the tears wouldn't stop falling earlier.
the pain won't leave me.
the urge to create new lines is still there.

i can't think of you now without tearing up.
i wish i could hate you.
but i can't.

so the only thing i can do is hate myself.
it's easier that way.
i'll just throw all the blame on myself.
it's so much easier like that.
i won't need to do much then.
2:29 AM
|


if i could do one thing now,
i'd masking tape up my fucking mouth,
and ice up everything i'm feeling currently.
'cause i don't wanna get mad.
and i don't want the words that spill out to spoil everything.

your words cut bad, y'know that.
i can't tell if you've changed, or i've changed.
thankyou for boosting my morale.
i needed your encouragement and support so badly.
hell, i was counting on you to back me up, when no one else would.
they crushed me.
you can just take a knife and slice my heart to shreds.
it fucking killed me to hear those words from you.

& now i wonder, am i a bad friend then?
is everything everyone said true?
i'd like to say that nothing you say can affect me.
but that'd be lying to myself again.
you're screwing my fucking emotions upside down.

i haven't been myself lately.
somehow i feel, i'm forcing myself to be happy.
yeah, i had fun.
but now i'm ignoring the second person who means something.
'cause i just have my hands full.

was it my fault all along then?
i have no fucking idea at all,
i don't have a clue if i'm being oversensitive.
but your words were phrased such that they cut deep.
was that intentional then, or were you being an idiot?
tell me, who's the fool?

i'm sorry bigger kid.
i've been the lousiest person to you.):

& everything you said to me put me on my knees.
it's so hard to believe in you
i'm not quite clear what i should do.

tell me how to stop the tears pretty please.
they're making the urge stronger than ever.
12:40 AM
|


it's funny how when one door closes, another opens.
but what if that door wasn't meant to be closed?
i mean yeah, the stuff in the new door's cool.
it's awesome fun, it's crazy playing.
but just what if i miss the stuff in the other door.

d'you have a solution for that?

tell me where to go.

edit.
i just realised the main cause of my massive mood swinging today.
i wonder why the both of them are getting to me so.
it's crazy.
but i guess i was right all along.
give me another week, and i'll prove that this fragile friendship's over.

and the other reason's simple.
i'd like to know if 3 years is enough to salvage this?

i teared too much today, it's insane.
yeah, i'm too young ultimately.
thank you.
6:54 PM
|


frustrations go a long way.
& irritation can always spell trouble.
friends no matter how long can still break.
& i'd go through hell to save our friendship.

but babe it's hard when you're not helping.
it's not always a one sided event.
sometimes both sides are to blame.
& sometimes it's not drama, it's reality.

i really don't want this to fall apart.
but can you see that i'm not the only one who's changed?
you've changed as well, & in some ways,
you don't seem like the same person i knew 3 years back.

i love you babe, really i do.
& you mean just so much to me.
but i can't take it lying down all the time.
it's hard not to fight back,
when maybe it's not always my fault.

i wish sometimes you could make some time,
'cause you never do.
but forget it, you're never free anyway.
1:10 PM
|


thank you for once again pushing it all back to me.

the same few phrases are running through my head again.
i wonder how many times i've been singing it.
welcome to my world,
where everyone i ever need
always ends up leaving me alone
another lesson learned
and i'm drowning in the ashes
kicking
screaming
welcome to my world

i'm trying so hard not to reach over to my bag.
it's taking too much to not open my pencil case.
i don't wanna use it again, not now.
but there's that huge compelling urge all over again.
it's like a call to just reach out and start.
& the images are running through my mind again.

fuck this mind, fuck this person i am.
whatever happened to gary's talk?
though actually, how low can i sink?
should i even bother trying?

but nobody seems to care,
when i'm all alone.

but that's not true.
i know they care.
only i'm just too stubborn for my own good.
& maybe one day, they'll get tired too.

don't fall, 'cause there'll be no one to catch you when you fall.
don't cry, 'cause there'll be no one to catch your tears.
don't smile, 'cause there'll be no one to see your pretty face.
don't fume, 'cause there'll be no one to cheer you up.
don't live, 'cause there'll be no one to care 'bout your existence.

it boils down to one fact, there is no one at all.
so close up your doors, and put on those shackles.
you will always be alone.
12:53 AM
|


dear stick, it's hard for me to put this here.
i don't know if you'll ever find this.
maybe i'll give it to you, maybe i won't.

i love you much you idiot bamboofuckingstick.
stop doing this to yourself please you asshole.
it hurts y'know, it fucking hurts, seeing you like this.
i don't know if you're just putting on a front or what.
hell, you never told me a damn fucking thing about it.
until it was all over.
and it fucking hurt.

seeing you in this state over one failed relationship,
get a grip on yourself please you moron.
if you can tell me it's over, why can't you tell yourself that?
why d'you keep letting yourself get hurt by it?
you fucking idiot.

y'know it hurts knowing that you broke down so many fucking times,
and you never bothered to tell me a fucking thing until now.
hell, nobody ever tells me anything until it's over.
but forget it, that's not the point here.

please stop doing this to yourself you fucker.
you told me not to dwell on the past.
you said not to dwell on unhappy things.
take your own fucking advice please
i really don't like to see you get hurt.

if i believed in best friends,
you'd be the closest thing to a best friend that i have.
so please you fucker, stop it.
forget about her.
she's just not worth your worry and anxiety and whatever.
if she wants to think that way, so be it.
it's a new start every day.
that's the past.

cheer up pretty please you stupid skinnyashell stick.
don't drink yeah, it doesn't always work.
i love you much,(:
12:01 PM
|