somedays all i do is watch the sky,

step one to going back,
i just realised,
i don't really give a flying fuck about you anymore,
by all means, do whatever the hell you want,
it's really none of my concern.
sure, i still get affected sometimes,
but hey, i'm caring lesser now.
i think that's good.

and YOU,
can't you just fucking apologise?
it's so easy.
ok maybe not, but still.

& we're nothing short of invincible.

oh and honestly,
they're not the core reason to why i wanna leave.
y'know the feeling of being left out?
well, it's something that i'm all too familiar with,
& damn, i had hoped that i wouldn't get to feel it here,
but that's really not the case.
& i find it completely useless to stay on if i feel left out,
i'll just be wasting my time.

it's my promise to you ben.
that's only why i'm bothering to try,
but really, i doubt it's gonna work much man.
i've never been able to adapt well,
despite what others may think.
i'll just give it to march, that's all i can give,
'cause honestly, i'm gonna burst soon.

planned perfection sought in my dreams.

emo is love, haha.
i shall end with something random.

oh i got a big candy from joel lye.
YAY.(:
i thought he was joking, oops.

i'm tired & annoyed,
i wonder when amanda will wake up.
10:47 AM
|


it really sucked.

& i've concluded that i really don't know.
it's crazy how badly i want to leave,
yet, i know that if i leave, i'm never coming back again.
& i really don't want that to happen.
i hate making decisions, and having to choose.
really, i hate that all like hell.
you're making things even more complicated for me too.
i don't wanna hate you, please.

you build a city on my ruins,
just to let it burn & see if i could escape.
12:08 AM
|


but i just can't,
it's too hard to do.

iggy promised to ton with me this week,
it's never gonna materialise though.
he's probably forgotten all about it already frankly.

thankyouben.

it's supposed to be easy,
why isn't it though?
i went a few weeks without it already.
i no longer have the urge for it,
but y'know, i still miss it too much.
when problems pop up,
my first thought is to run for the haven or precious safety.

i walk with shadows,
the questions i will never say.

it's a simple concept really.
fuelled by anger that's slowly becoming hatred.
but it'll be disastrous if it turns to hatred,
so up pops the idea of talking,
but you see,
talking does no wonders,
neither does it perform any miracles.
so it's back to resorting to the old shut the fuck up treatment,
& maybe everything will be just alright.

escape the fate,
i like.(:
10:53 PM
|


& i just don't get why i'm mad at you.

or wait,
maybe 'cause you to me are the sweetest thing that i have seen.
& that, is a fucking cliche.
but then again,
you don't give a flying fuck.

perhaps, now's really the time to go.
12:26 AM
|


you're an idiot.
& so are you.
oh and you too,
and you, you, you, you, you.

i'm in that kind of mood currently,
where i'm pretty much mad at all the yous,
but i don't wanna let others know who,
oh BLAH):

butbutbut, i promised iggy i'll stand back up.
so i mustmustmust learn,
& really, stop making him upset & disappointed.

how do i move on,
when you took it & smashed it to smithereens?
how do i forget,
when you took it & overloaded it with memories?
you're the one without a heart now.
1:31 AM
|


i lost my mood at an early point in the night.
you guys caused it by the way.
but thankyou darling stick,
for cheering me up a whole bunch,
& distracting me,
i owe you too much man.
& that necklace is pretty pretty.
thankyou hon, i love it.(:

idiots really are idiots,
but wonderful distractions & fantastic mood changers.
THANKYOU to the two biggest dumbasses.
but great people.

on a sidenote, my heels were fucking killing me.
i couldn't walk at all!
but they're so damn pretty!
ok, maybe my feet will get slowly conditioned to it.
haha.

i think i might just perhaps try to slowly move away,
'cause i'll fade away if i don't.
so there's pretty much no other choice.
you really are the biggest fucker,
but damn you for meaning too much.

oh and BEN!
remember my bargain!
& show me the lyrics when you're done with it.
thankyou! and merry christmas.(:
it's the season of giving,
so maybe you should give me all your sticks!
& i'll throw them away for you.
HEH(:
love.
5:32 PM
|


& any mood that i might have is lost completely,
in a wonderful span of 1 minute.
& really, i fucking regret it now.
it's the second time i've played them up,
the second time i deprived myself of the chance to lose it all,
all for the sake of certain people who will never give a flying fuck at all.

sometimes i wonder if you're really a bitch?
& it's really getting so much harder for me not to hate all of you.
'cause you know, i'm getting tired of being at the receiving end of everything.

fuck this all,
i was stupid enough to give up so much of myself,
for nothing.

much as i detest admitting it,
iggy's right all over again,
& i'm the one who's been played for a fool once more.

perhaps, it's really time to leave now.
6:37 PM
|


but you see,
what you thought was the truth,
was just never that.

it's crazy how i feel such a flurry of emotions.
nana's right. so's iggy,
but you see, as proven by both nana and i,
no matter how right we can be,
it's impossible to do the right thing,
'cause in iggy's terms, it's heart over mind.
& that's what i hate.

it's funny how all the important people in my life are always at loggerheads with each other.
& it pisses me off when i start getting lectured.
obviously if you don't know me well enough,
that's a common occurrence.
& it's weird, how you're supposed to know me well,
yet, you don't understand a single thing about me at all.

'cause you hurt me most.

dadeedum, & my perfect serenity was shattered.
at least i've stopped crying(:

maybe, you should see when everything's gone.
10:06 AM
|


YOU ANNOY ME,
but damn, i can't take it anymore.
fuck you to hell man.

i dig shopping.
& i do realise i spent a bomb,
but hey, i'm not satisfied yet man.
HEH.

i feel weirder & weirder around you.
it's getting harder,
'cause you're always like this,
when you've got someone new,
it's byebye see you around maybe.

and then you,
you really really piss me off a lot.
it's so fucking hard to even look at you now.
can you just open your fucking eyes?
it's not very hard.

you! can you! please please take care of yourself?
stop making me worry for you can?
you're driving me insane babe.

and you bloody idiot!
you're a fucking asshole man.
really, stop fucking treating me like a back up plan.
i'm not your fucking substitute.
you're just gonna drive me further into the shell.
why can't you get that?

at times like now, i really hate all of you.
oh blah.
12:46 AM
|


you just don't care anymore,

it's weeeeeeeeeeeeird,
i don't liiiiiiiiiike.
but wait, since when have i liked anything much?
AH WELLS.

yay, stick got me a present.
haha, ok i'm mean.
he always gets me stuff.
it's me who never gets him anything.
i'm sorry darling,
but you do know that you're very very dear to me right!
so if you ever feel upset,
i'll run there straight away,
ok sticky!

on the outside, i'm trying,
'cause inside, i'm dying

christmas shopping later!
i can't wait, haha
and i want my soccccccccccer back!
damn, sundays don't feel like sundays without soccer and pizza,
and saturdays don't feel like saturdays without movies.

ben's baaaaaaaaack.
YAY(:

i'm still wondering how they stick a surface bar through your skin,
i'm betting it's awfully painful,
but that's ok,
that's partly the reason behind my fetish for piercings.

she's spinning round and round, trying to forget,
she's gonna hurl soon, 'cause nobody understands,
& nobody wants to give a damn,
the silence stings & the pain of being ignored kills,
she curls into a ball again, knowing tonight's like every night.

*clinging to the side of sanity,
the last vestige of hope's stripped away,
the shit hits the fans,
and the voices start up once again,
"don't fall too deep," they cry,
"there's monsters in the waters"
but the help's been taken away,
so into those waiting jaws of the fallen,
it starts.*

he's in need of a miracle rescue,
he's always been alone,
fighting for his life on the streets,
he struggles to comprehend the meaning behind living,
as he forces the body to breathe and eat,
he wonders why no one ever cared.

*

forget them as usual,
they're just nobodies anyway.
retreat to your cosy comfy homes,
& ignore the ones who are so desperately in need,
the cycle of hell,
forget about breaking through to a new start,
the broken will remain broken.

*

once again, it makes no bloody sense.
AH WELLS,
maybe ben can twist it again.
haha.
11:32 AM
|


the perfect combination.
i'm fucking bored,
& pretty much everyone's too shagged from camp to go out.
oh and to top it up, it's bloody raining again.
i don't think all of us can pick celesther up tmr.
fuck lah.

i've been tearing like crazy.
contacts were shockingly blurry and ohsodry,
i wonder if the water at camp was a factor.
but exchanging those wonderful small shit for glasses didn't make my eyes any better.
on the contrary, my vision's still disgustingly blurry,
& i'm tearing everytime i blink.
oh the stupid eye is fucking painful as well.
oh blah, maybe i've got an eye infection.
that'll be fun(:

anyways, i went to research on surface piercing.
i really want one at the back of my neck,
i think it's awesome shit.
but those pictures of badly done piercings were honestly damn gross.
& further research into extreme body modifications were just,
well to put it simply, i wouldn't wanna go there.
i don't get it though,
why would you wanna look like you have horns?
HUH HUH?

on a sidenote, mum bought me a babydoll & a spag.
i'm shocked, haha.
she seldom buys clothes for me man,
'cause our taste in clothes are different in the extreme sense.
i think i look fucking fat in them though,
oh fuck, actually it's not a matter in question,
it is a fact, i did grow much fatter.
ah fuck lah.

& i'm feeling rather vulgar suddenly.
there's also this huge urge to run out & dance in the rain.
i need to go shopping badly,
but i don't have cash at all):

there's also that one other thing i need to do,
which is talk to you,
something that i've pretty successfully not done for a week maybe.
it isn't much of a surprise though that it's making me feel like crap.
the rain's pushing the misery closer to the edge as well.
& seeing you everytime, knowing that i chose to close the door between us,
i feel like doing crazy things man.
you really really drive me insane.
i want this to go away, yet i want the times of old again.
in a nutshell, with the options driving me up the wall.

my eyes are still fucked up,
i dragged this post for so long,
& those bloody orbs are still screwed.
eh damn lah.

i need need need need need to do something insanely crazy.
give me ideas!
haha, but yeah, i have some actually.
most are just not fucking feasible though,
oh bloody damn it.

shopping soon with iggy, haha.
let's just hope i can get enough to buy a completely new outfit.
that stick is just disgustingly amazing at picking clothes.
if money fell into my lap everytime i closed my eyes,
i'll be a very happy person going shopping everyday.

eh shit lah, i'm really fucking bored.
and it's only 11 plus now.
crap.

& i'm just your substitute once again,
your fucking back up plan.
10:25 PM
|


& i'm finally back from camp.(:
camp was ok lah.
i guess what i missed most was the company.
awesome shitasses.

but you know the best thing was those late night talks with nana.
thankyou so much darling,
it's kinda weird though, haha.
we're both mending our ties over the problem in our lives.
i love you for still being there for me,
even after my cold treatment, & our distances.
you cheered me up in camp tons man.
otherwise i'd probably be emo-ing throughout camp,
pissed at that stupid asshole.
ah wells,
thankyou for so much more,
i swear you're one of the best.
LOVE(:

i can't believe a thing you say,
it's so hard to believe in you,
i'm not quite clear what i should do.

pretty please don't be so cold,
but wait, what am i saying?
i'm the one who's cold to you.
i started this, i'll continue on with this.
i miss you too very much though.

OH, and david should die.
yes yes, bastard should seriously go screw himself,
then somehow get kicked in the balls,
& maybe hopefully die from the pain.
fucking cowardly asshole.
you're really not god's gift to the world loser.

iggy's coming back tmr(:
and celesther too.
YAY, my darling sticky is coming back.
i can start interrogating him.

& you know,
i really do have such a kick for cheap thrills,
& dangerous obsessions.
7:41 PM
|


sunning of ropes was weird.
i really like maamxiaofen,
though i still think that talk was pretty out of the blue.
ah wells, anyways back to maamxiaofen,
i think she's one of those maams whom no one will bother idolising,
yet is really, one of the best maams to have.

camp's tmr, blah.
but ah wells.

YOU YOU YOU,
i'm not really psyched about seeing you at all.
but oh damn.

going out with yati is always a bunch of laughs,
& it always takes my mind off everything(:
thankyou love.

& i'll do anything for you,
8:06 PM
|


& i missed prison break 'cause of those nehs.
BLAH.

but you know, sometimes hanging with a different crowd is rather nice.
it takes my mind off things.
what can i say?
nigel, hc, don, xb and ken haven't changed much.
still the same bunch of sexually overcharged retards.
but damn, they really are much fun.

YOU should go to hell for lying,
& YOU should go to hell too for leading him on.
but you see, i love the both of YOU too much.
so ah wells.

i'm dying to explain my heart to you now,
there's so much on my mind it's tearing me apart.

a few more days, & hopefully this will all be settled.
i miss the days of old,
but you know, maybe you're just not worth it anymore,
but who am i kidding?
you still mean the world.
BLAH.

& i've finally proven that i can actually study if i put my heart to it.
yay, haha.
11:16 PM
|


& it was then that i realised memories are really a bitch.
i got over them partially, but can i get over you?
can you ever understand that?
i somehow doubt that big time.

& so i've found my solution,
but here's the thing,
will i ever get the guts to do it?
chances are, it's a big fat no.
& i'll run away again.
BLAH.

i miss you bad.
ah wells.

feel your heart it breaks within your chest now.

dadeedum, holidays are ending pretty soon.
i haven't started on hw.
haha, it's gonna be the same old excuses to the teachers.
10:14 PM
|


'cause you are to me, heaven.
& without you here, everything has lost it's colour.
i'm seeing the sights through dull, faded shades.
unable to comprehend nor converse,
the miles of silence and troubles separate us.
& i need you here for me so badly,
but we're both surrounded by oceans of mistrust.

hurt & pain begins the borders,
& helplessness builds on the walls.
redundancy controls the foundation,
a onemanship completes the stone.
pounding against the wall does no good.
rock is deaf and carries no sound,
& we're too blinded by desire to understand.

days long gone carry with them,
the longing to be back with you again,
& nostalgia is sure to wreck my life,
'cause you just don't care anymore,
it's just me once again,
pining for what i can't have at all.

hacking at the heartless cold cement,
i'm desperate for some form of comfort,
but you're too far gone,
away to your recurrent obsessions.
you turn your back on me once again,
& i'm left to sink to the floor,
alone and desolate, with nothing to carry on.

the question that lingers even now,
it's so simple, so straightforward,
i wonder if you'll even bother.
why, just why are you doing this to me?
d'you even care that you're pretty much tearing my life apart?
i need you, end of story.
but you're just gone far away.

seems to me it was nothing but a dream.
12:44 AM
|


i've been eating way too much for my own good):

& vivo is hell boring and way too big.
well at least it'll be a lot nicer if i actually went there with enough cash.
oh blah.

i need you here,
but why is your back always turned?

i kinda feel weird now,
vivo brought back certain memories,
& the biggest sense of nostalgia.
i miss those days bad,
but i guess it's pretty impossible to return to then,
& that's what's sad.
i lost one of the best thing that ever happened to me.
but youknowwhat, it was my own damn fault.

there's this certain feeling of liberation now that i'm off my job.
it feels very darn good.
haha.
10:10 PM
|


next week's gonna be my last week of sickening work!
YAY.(:

& you might wonder why things change,
but you see, why should they stay the way they were?

i think i might have been a tad crazy in agreeing with ben.
no, make that, completely insane.
what the hell was i thinking man?
i'm probably gonna kill everyone with my horrible singing.
oh BLAH.):

it's hard to explain,
but you're the one i see all the time,
the only one who can make me do the craziest things,
screw you man,
i don't like it.
9:23 AM
|


i hate that this is so weird.
but there's nothing else left.
1:07 AM
|


i seriously detest work,
but i think i'm starting to hate you too.
don't let me hate you please.

i'm hanging on to faded hope, and forgotten happiness,
& pretending to be someone i'm not is tiring,
but reality's a bitch,
& i'm too scared to meet it head on,
so i'm hiding behind this front,
doing the craziest things to forget the pain that's present.

strangers in this crazed existence,
pining for what we can't have,
& longing to be that we're not,
meeting yet pretending,
maybe you should really give up now.

but i hear sound echo in the darkness,
all around, but you can't change this loneliness,
look at what you've found, i'm falling down.

nana i still love you a ton babe,
take care of yourself, really.
i don't wanna see you get hurt or anything.

incinerate what's left of this,
& torch the part of me that's you.

hey hon, i know you care & i know you love me,
but i'm still so fixated on this ideal i'm living on,
& i'm scared to break out of this facade,
all that i'm sprouting are excuses, i know that.
but i can't find anything else to say to justify,
ultimately, you guys are dead right,
but you know me, i'm stubborn.
& currently, i'm being pushed closer to the brink,
when i fall, will you still catch me?
or will you be far away again, like all the others?

i'll take all your pain,
but who's there to take mine?
it's hard to understand isn't it?

i want to drink,
but no one will get me any.):
it sucks, really.

but if you turn back on me now,
when i need you most,
but you chose to let me down.

why?
5:53 PM
|


i can't remember what prompted me to start,
but i'm certain that nat was my biggest factor to start.
these days, you're both my driving factor.

now i'm believing all the words you say,
that i can't say back to you.

i wonder if things might just have been a little different,
but what's the point?
i keep telling myself that, i realise.
yet, i still reflect on that practically everyday.
wth man, seriously.

if you don't like being hurt then please don't stay.

you're probably in batam right now,
& it feels weird, almost like we're strangers once again.
i realised that we always stop talking after awhile.
& that period of time always stretches.
i'll miss and need you like hell, but i'll never say a thing,
'cause i'll always be worried that i'm disturbing your ohsoperfect life.
until you break the ice once again.
& that's when all the self-loathing, accusations, tears, fights and whathaveyou begins.
it's a crazy cycle youknowthat?

i wanna hang onto something
that won't break away or fall apart,
like the pieces of my heart.

it's weird how i can be so different.
i don't like it):
but then again, i'm too lazy to bother changing,
or perhaps, i'm scared that to change would mean something.

i hate this crazy charade,
tell the brain to get along with the plot,
& the heart to stop pulling the other way please.

when i woke up today,
feels like there's something missing
'cause all you do is wear me down.

this is horrible,
i'm back to focusing on the lyrics of emo songs.
pretty soon, it's gonna affect my moods again,
but wait, i only do that when i'm upset,
so err, why am i upset again?
good question, i don't fucking know.
since when have i ever got an answer for things anyway?

so fuck the warning signs, i'm already dead inside

BLAH):
11:32 PM
|


i really really hate work,
& i still have to drag my ass down to that stupid restaurant later.
BLAH.
mum says i can quit if i really hate it there,
but it's like only the first stupid week,
AND i need the stupid money.
oh damn.
it's not that the people's not nice,
i mean, the people's fab man,
but the work sucks, seriously.


i cannot cannot wait for next year to come faster.
then, i can quit my job.
HAH.


i miss you.


hmm, you're leaving tonight.
i'd love to tell you to take good care of yourself,
but i highly doubt you'll take note.
three days with nothing and no one.
when you make a clean break & run away from everything,
teach me to do the same please.


if i were to say that i don't care,
& it matters no more to me,
& that i've sorted out my thinking,
would you believe me?
or are you turning your back on me once more?


i slept on the stupid, dirty kitchen floor last night.
fuck man.
i woke up, horribly disgusted with myself.
eeyer, oh and i almost twisted my stupid feet.
'cause they were so numb i couldn't feel them.

dadeedum, on a sidenote,
i'm not going for work today, yay.
i love mum.
but nobody's picking the stupid phone up,
SHIT.


i thought it would erase the memories.
i thought fuck wrong.
& now i'm still running away.
9:12 AM
|


one two three four,
get out get out get out get out.
five six seven eight,
fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off.
& that sounds well kinda, bimbo.
eeyer.

i woke up this morning with a very simple minimalistic need.
& i realised that i just can't seem to shrug off that need.
i'll attribute each one to you,
take it as my tribute to the past.

it's always so much easier to talk big.
putting words into action is the killing part.
i've been procastinating for so long,
yet i haven't even begun with anything.
i took that one tiny step a long time ago,
but before long, i retraced that step.

from 10-100.
that's a pretty big leap,
& i reckon i'm somewhere near the beginning,
but you see, i want to reach that 100 mark.
& yet, i want to stop.
i wonder how long it'll take me.
but give me till the end of this month,
& i'll aim to hit the middle.

it'll drip & stain my tiles.
10:49 AM
|


go on
you've kept me waiting
go on
and watch me as i fall
i don't wanna feel this small
you know i just can't handle this
handle this at all
and so i fall
i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as i stall
and wonder when i.. fall

work is hell boring, i don't like):

stick has finally settled that problem of her, i like.
YAY.
but there's still others.
which i'm willing to bet i won't bloody hear of until it's too late.
oh blah.

for once, i don't feel weighed down by anything,
& i guess it's a good thing.
unless i start thinking too much again.
maybe mel's right, i seem to want to remain sad.
but when i'm happy, there doesn't seem to be anything to do.
this is so damn annoying, BLAH.

YOU annoy me constantly.):
i don't like you laaaah.
why why why why why?
& damn i'm starting to sound like iggy.
it's all your stupid fault.
why why why why why,
are you such an influence on me?
huh huh huh huh huh?
eeyer, you dammit suck.

i can't believe how stupid this whole situation is.

a bottomless pit it is,
with crazy idle aliens floating around,
& singing carols with all their might,
pour the broth in,
& wrap it carefully with gauze,
'cause the bedbugs might come to fuck.
& that'd be simply a heavenly catastrophe.

ok, that made absolutely no sense.
12:48 AM
|


if i could take your pain away,
i would scream for you
& i'll bleed for you
so you'll never feel this way

please understand why,
'cause it's my only prayer for you.

i'm glad you've almost settled that matter,
all that remains is for you to understand now.
pretty please,
before even that last vestige of hope disappears,
before i start to give up on you,
'cause it would kill me to lose you.
11:25 AM
|


you see, that's exactly why i hate you so much sometimes.
you can never seem to understand how much your words cut.
& you can never accept that you always make me cry,
oh no, it always boils down that i'm being too drama.
but why, can't you just bloody see for once,
how fucking hurtful your words are,
& how fucking sensitive i can be.

why why why the fuck must you be such a thick headed asshole?
you do the craziest reckless things which you never let me do.
you fucking make me worry my bloody brain out.
& your words cut so damn deep.

hey aren't you just so fucking smart?
yeah, i don't have a life or a home.
i only know to keep going to edward's house.
yeah, i'm stupid and dumb & i end up fucking myself up all the time.
yeah, i never use my brain to think at all.
bottomline, i'm just not as perfect as you, right.

i can't keep holding out, waiting for you to change.
i can't take being scolded by you all the damn time.
you can be so fucking unreasonable, y'know that?
i'm not the only one who's changed.
you've changed as well, and so much more,
till i barely know you now.

i can't find the person i loved and admired.
i only see a person who's barely there for me anymore,
a person whom i don't know.
someone who makes me cry myself to sleep most nights,
& fuels me with the reason for continuing.
you're my worst nightmare,
& yet, i hold you too close and too dear to me.
fuck you, for all that you've become man.

why d'you even bother saying that you care,
when your words & actions speak otherwise?
i wanted so badly to ask you just one question,
but you see, i just can't say the words.
& you're just gonna tell me i'm overreacting,
and being a drama queen once again.
so really, what's the fucking point?

can you ever be the person i knew again?

you know i don't have the answers, but you always ask why.
& you're never satisfied with my replies.
so why fucking bother asking in the first place?
shouldn't you know by now?
11:58 PM
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she curls up each night,
to another moment of endless outpouring,
when the salty tang of saline overpowers the taste buds,
& the sweet scent of juice pervades the air,
then she wonders why you're never here anymore.

she keeps to that carefully constructed sham each day,
where all you see is megawatt glam shots,
fuelled with a passion for deception,
& as they swarm around like vultures to the stiff,
she wonders why you don't save her.

somedays she sits and reminisces,
as the leaves fall and the transition begins,
the senses are intuned with the need for disaster,
& the catastrophe started with the simple disappearance,
of someone so dear who took a chunk and left,
and along vanished what was left of sagacity.

she'd loved to be saved,
but it's too late for morals to step in and save the day,
everything's a step frozen in time,
& you can try but she'll always slip from your grasp,
'cause you never undertook the mission to save her from herself,
hell you never gave a damn, till the day the metal called to her,
it's little surprise she's lost to you now.

& it'll gush out until it's too drained to move.
12:52 AM
|


the pain makes everything worse,
& the fact that you just called makes me feel like crap now.
i really hate hearing your voice this way.
it makes me feel like fucking shit y'know that?
12:47 AM
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fuck you for making me cry.
& fuck YOU too for making me cry.
hell fuck the both of you.

i'm tired of you,
& i'm fucking sick of you.

yes thankyou, it's my fault again.
i'm the one who fucking committed a fucking crime.
thankYOU, i'm fucking showing you that i'm fucking weak.
i'm showing once again that i'm too fucking reliant on you.
FUCK YOU ok, just fuck off.

why the fuck d'you bother to tell me that i matter to you?
why the fuck d'you even bother apologising every time you blow up on me.
fuck off, just fucking fuck off.
i can't fucking stay mad at you, you fucking know that.
but how many more fucking times are you gonna scream at me?
i was fucking genuinely concerned you asshole.
why d'you always make it sound like i'm fucking doing it to gain?
what the fuck can i gain from it?

you're the one who fuelled my fucking addiction, y'know that?
every single fucking time i do it, you're the biggest reason.
yes, i'm just making excuses, yeah i'm the biggest fucking loser.
well fuck you then, for making me this way.
whatever the fuck happened to all your fucking promises?

you lied, you sonofabitch.
you fucking lied to me.
& then you'll just turn around and leave,
after making me hold out for so fucking long.
you'll just fucking leave again.

the drops look so fucking fake now.
isn't it just like you?
i'll slowly count the number of fucking times tonight,
& each one will be thanks to you and you and you.
fuck all of you, i can't fucking feel it anymore.

keep screaming, no one's listening.

let me sleep on & never wake,
let me run & never stop,
let me ignore & never bother,
fucking kill me now & deny me the pleasure of sunrise.

you're the itch at my side,
the fucking nail that's hammering in,
& killing me slowly.
i need you so badly now, but are you there?
the answer's a fucking no.

& it'll burn like liquid fire,
it won't bother to stop & wait for stragglers.
it's incomparable in it's rage,
& it'll melt the ice in your heart.

c'mon, let it envelop you.
the feeling's like no other
& it'll bring you to a new level like none before.
it's my euphoric rush.
leave if it bothers you,
it matters no more.
11:31 PM
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i'm back from camp, yay!
camp was hell, & i learnt my lesson.
never go to camp without sleeping the previous two days.
you'll just die.

i pretty much slept during debrief and received hell.
what made it nicer was that i almost collasped in the day 'cause i was just bloody shagged.

camp was just one big screw up though.
it irks me that we are so scared to scold/debrief/punish.
'cause we just don't know what will get us into trouble.
stupid new rules.
let's just scrape the cca, since it's redundant now.
cadets are just turning into pampered kids.

went out after camp, & crashed at eugene's house, hah.
i slept damn long already, but i still feel tired. wth.

i missed everybody like hell in camp.
yati and i were just writing rubbish in our notebooks.
i wonder how's her legs now?

so i fall,
i don't wanna feel this small,
you know i just can't handle this,
handle this at all,
and i'll just fall,
i let my heartbeat drop,

it's crazy how everything seems to repeat itself.
i'm scared that everything will be the same again.
if i were to fall again, will i be able to get up this time?
hell, i never managed to stand up completely after falling the past few times.
it's frightening though,
the idea of falling over and again with nothing to break my fall.
but then again, that's what always happens.

hello again ben, poor you cannot update.
HAHA.
dadeedum, while you're rotting away in camp,
i can do plenty of things now. heh.
i'll be seeing you later at the play, whee.
i missed you guys tons tons tons during camp.
& i'll get to smack you'll(:
buhbye.
11:34 AM
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