i'm honestly dead tired,
& i'm horrified by the eyebags.
i need my sleep bad, but first i have to complete homework.
blah.

somehow i'm afraid to approach you.
i really don't wanna hear you lecture/scold me again.
it's taking its toll too y'know.
i'm trying to forget everything you said that upset me.
but then again, it always makes sense.
even when you call me a loser & an idiot.
damn you.

ok, stop procastinating,
homework now.
sleep, soon.
10:30 PM
|


i've been too tired to bother going online these days.
in fact, i'll probably sleep soon, screw the homework.

anyways, yesterday was fun.
watched the match at jeremy's place.
i got quite irritated with all those 'malaysia tak boleh' signs, & all that poor sportsmanship shown by s'poreans, so i switched sides, HEH.
ah wells, i'm too lazy to type much, so to put it simply,
i had one hell of a fun time on saturday night.
stupid jeremy said there would be more people lah,
turned out to be me only, wth.

went for the msg today.
the whole thing felt weird, i guess mainly 'cause i didn't know anyone.
well except for jeremy, jo & angel lah.
but angel went for dinner with her parents so i was stuck with a huge crowd of people i barely knew man.
freaking awkward, BUT they're damn funny people.
& the dinner was good, fish and chips that are outta this world.

anyways, the pastor that was doing his sharing was extremely comical.
& i'm kinda ashamed to admit that i wasn't really listening to it.
'cause i was completely distracted by several msgs earlier.
but that's a completely issue altogether, & something i'm trying to forget.

the band was to sum it up, awesome shit man.
jon chan's voice is just so... i can't think of a word to describe it.
but, i loved it.
oh & if i remember correctly, the drummer was milton?
THANKYOU, for helping me, haha.
finally, i hear somebody tell that uncle, "eh, can you show her some respect? she's not a kid, she's a teenager." haha.

on a side note, i got scolded again.
& really, if i'm given a dollar for every single time you've scolded me, & every single time i've cried over you or for you, i'll be fucking rich now.
i love you tons, but you know, sometimes i wonder why.

you told me once not to keep lousy friendships.
i wonder now, is our friendship a lousy one?
you're the dearest, don't leave me stranded please.
1:18 AM
|


have i mentioned that i'm completely enamoured by his voice?
he's like fucking talented!
it ain't fair, haha; which is pure rubbish considering there's no rationale in that.
but anyways, i honestly truly sincerely believe that,
jon chan has a shitass awesome voice that's so filled with passion, and that oomph, for lack of better words, heh.

i'm sorry, i've just found several local bands that i've fallen in love with.
needless to say, plainsunset & the seband are amongst them.
haha.

AND, i really should be getting on with ss homework.
and pack my bag as well.
i need sleep.
i have to be rejuvenated to start my fight tmr.(:
12:22 AM
|


i hate fridays, there's cca.
naturally, i'm not happy at all.

there's a huge gap where i'm here and you're there.
i don't like it at all.
& frankly, i miss you, all the yous.
ah wells.=/

i hate cedar by the way,
the teachers care more bout the reputation of the school than the students.
honestly, she pissed me off bad earlier.
it's gonna be a very interesting confrontation tmr man.

i haven't prepared my uniform at all.
BLAH):
9:20 PM
|


i quote from the uncle,
if school is boring, it's good 'cause it means you're not in trouble.

BUT, i really can't stand boredom.
strangely enough i don't feel so stressed anymore. :D
i'm just bored out of my ass.

there's parade this friday.
needless to say, i don't like!):
i can't wait to pass out man,
but that's still so many months more.
oh wth man.

oh and i'm in love with iggy's jacket.
i don't wanna return it, damn.
ok, i shall buy one for myself before chinese new year.
-beams.
it feels good knowing i'm saving,
even though it is kinda at the expense of my stomach.
but, i guess it's worth it.
& italics 'cause maybe, just maybe, i would really love to eat.

ok fine, i would prefer eating.
but then again, there's also that issue of me and fats.
so! i don't exactly have much to choose from.

screw the spa file, i shall sleep early today(:
11:08 PM
|


i'm tired.):
i wanna sleep bad, but i'm still doing stupid homework.
& then i have to prepare spa file, & study for the tests.
i hate it.

i just dozed off while trying to figure out permutations.
the numbers are just screwing with my brain.
thankgod for friends who reply late & wake me up with my phone ringing.

oh fuck, i'm so not gonna last the bloody night.

thankyou ben!
spend a long long while praying over it ok!(:

i realise i'm at that horrible stage once again,
where i'm just filled with insecurity, doubt, self-loathing, desperation, disgust, lack of self-worth & self-esteem, you name it.
it's turning me into a very crazy moodswinging bitch.
& the changes are so abrupt as well.
BLAH):
11:33 PM
|


i spent today in a daze thinking iggy was still mad at me.
somehow i have the feeling he's still irritated,
but forget it already.
at least he's finally talking to me again.

i've never been more sick & tired of school.
which reminds me i have to go see the counsellor soon.
oh bloody fuck it, i really don't wanna go.

so i've pretty much had my options laid out for me.
i guess it's really up to me then to choose.
i hate choices, really i do.
but it'll be crazy to expect you to solve everything for me.

marchtwelve!
ok i should stop looking up upcoming music festivals,
& really get down to doing my work, which i really hate bytheway.
these festivals are whats keeping me sane.
i lost count of the number of times i've been counting down in school already.
ah wells.
10:00 PM
|


honestly, i don't know what i was thinking.
& really, i'm sorry i blew up on you.
'cause you sure as hell didn't deserve it.
you're the last person on earth i would want to hurt,
& pretty much one of the very few i'd admit to making a mistake to.

nothing can pretty much make up for everything you've done for me,
& i had no right to take my frustrations and anger out on you.
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
i don't think it's enough at all,
& i know that you have every right to be mad at me.

i know you're disappointed & upset,
i know you're unhappy that i don't dare to make my stand,
but please try to understand as well that me being me,
i'm fucking terrified of them now.
i guess i've pretty much made up my mind now.
today convinced me & showed me quite clearly how there's too much conflict.
i've almost made up my mind to go.

you know, you mean too much,
& i'm trying so hard to be strong & just be the person you'd like to see.
but i guess i'm doing it for all the wrong reasons,
'cause i'm sure as hell losing my resolve to continue.
i broke my promise today,
& honestly, i'm afraid of seeing you this week.
afraid to see the disappointment in your face & to hear what you wanna say.

i know i'm being really dumb here.
but can you comprehend that i don't know where else to go otherwise?
i don't believe in staying where i'm not wanted or where i don't belong.
but where else can i go then?

just know that i'll do anything for you,
just the same way you will for me.
i can't thank you enough for these few years,
& i'll never be able to make up for all the rubbish i've done.
i'm so sorry i'm always taking it out on you.
words can't express exactly, it just can't.

hello, i just realised how much more determined i am to leave.
i can't hold out much longer.

& you know, jeremy makes a lot of sense,
but i've spent the past few years hating myself.
& really, i'd rather continue hating than loving said self.
'cause then will i only be able to justify the loneliness that's second nature.
i guess that's what i didn't dare tell you.

& it's funny come to think of it.
i have to be asked, before realising i've already lost the reason why i hated myself initially.
i no longer remember what prompted me to start,
i only know that the hatred has always remained,
& it's not something that i'll willingly let go.
'cause i'd rather people hate me and despise me.

i feel drained.
i don't wanna return to school tmr.
i don't wanna have to hear about everyone's happy weekend.
not when this is the lousiest week by far.
i don't wanna go back knowing it's another start of my facade.
i don't wanna act all happy, cheery, upbeat, positive anymore.
but i have to.

i hope you won't stay mad at me for long.
i'm over-reliant on you for support & encouragement, i know.
i don't like it either, & i'm just trying to get through this year.
but right now, i need your support & encouragement badly.
nothing else matters but that you agree.
please just help me through this year.
12:26 AM
|


i swear the day can't get anymore boring.
& the rain ain't helping things much.
i got bored of singing to myself a long time ago.
& homework's a definite no go till maybe tonight.

all i have is gone,
burned to ashes by a dream.
i'd steal the sun and stars,
& set my heart aflame,
to light the sky for you.

hello, how long has it been already?
have you been counting?
i stopped too long ago.
have you forgotten me then?
i haven't & i can't.
d'you know how hard it is for me?
i bet you don't huh?
you've never really bothered frankly.
ah wells, what can i say?
i should be washing my hands of you anyway.

i won't be poisoned by your ghost,
i won't be captive to obsession,
until you learn that this is all pretending.
so much for a heart in free fall.
tonight we offer your possession,
& read aloud from your storybook ending.
4:57 PM
|


yesterday would have been the perfect day of the school week,
if only i hadn't developed rashes, thanks to stupid allergies.
apparently it's called urticaria, & it got worse,
'cause i was smart enough to forget that,
i can't freaking eat seafood when i have rashes.
ah wells, the medicine helped & the rashes are gone.
yay.(:

my initial plan was to sleep through today,
& just wake up around the middle of the night.
but you know, now i'd really love to go out.
unfortunately, i'm too lazy to bother asking anyone if they're free.

sometimes it's funny how much i contradict myself,
but it's ok, i'm used to it.

iggy if anything at all,
i just wish you'll stop betting so much.
& though i know you'll never listen to me,
sometimes i wish you will.

i can't do much about anything at all.
& i hate that this friendship seems so one-sided.
it makes me feel useless knowing that i can't help you at all.
you're the one person who understands me too well.
& i shouldn't be nagging at you all the time,
i don't like it at all, it makes me feel fucking old.

please be happy if anything else at all.
it's all that will pretty much matter now.
thankyou for everything & always being there.
i love you much, take care.
2:05 PM
|


hello, i feel a sudden burst of optimism.
i think it's fake though.
the bubble will probably burst soon.

joel is scary,
ok never mind.
i shall not mention it.

& you smile like a saint,
but you curse like a sailor

i detest homework.
though school sucks a lot more):
10:52 PM
|


it doesn't feel like a wednesday today,
more like a friday, & it sucks.
'cause there's the realisation that there's school tmr,
& it's exceptionally long with jogging.
oh and irritating teachers harping on uniform.
& practicing fucking double standards and biasness.
FUCK the teachers, FUCK the damn school.
i'll gladly fight for tiffy even if it gets me into trouble.

thankyou jeremy!
much appreciated.

the discussion for exhaustified was pretty cool.
we've come up with awesome ideas for publicity.
& the best thing? it's on a low budget mostly.
everybody say YAY. haha

i think the lack of sleep is getting to me.
i'm gonna get some shut eye earlier today since i'm done with work.
it's a complete miracle i swear, i hardly ever do work early.
of course there are the blanks dotting the pages,
but you can't really blame me for not knowing how to do.
i missed the lessons what.

i'm tired, really tired):
i need more sleep and less school and less changes which make no sense.
stupid school with their stupid biased treatment.
why should the secthrees be let off while i get booked?
why should i be singled out just 'cause i argue with the teachers a hell lot?
why should i get all the crap just 'cause i let it be known i'm unhappy?
it's fucking unfair.
10:58 PM
|


hello ben, i was busy with school whattttt.
ok bullshit, i was just too tired & fell asleep last night; sorry lah.
& yeah delirious was pretty cool; but um, the preaching sucked some.
'cause it kinda felt like they were forcing what they believed on us,
but ah wells, it was boring. haha.

school presents stress & pressure.
& honestly, i can't take it anymore.
there's the mounting pressure from school,
the problems around,
the bitch of a mind...
tears are heavily suppressed,
urges are severely squashed,
needs are forcefully ignored,
there's this silent cry screaming, & yet nothing can be done.

i know i promised, but it's so hard.
iggy! i just can't, i really can't.
everything's kept inside, it's hard you know.
i'm just concentrating fully on not breaking.
it's not fair, i'm complaining again, wtfh.

& wallowing in self-pity sucks,
but frankly, i'm too scared to get out of the hole.
so i just keep complaining & whining.
i'm fucking sick of this shit.

so much for all the promises you made me,
11:27 PM
|


so much for all the promises you made me,

i think interesting would probably be the word i'd use.
to describe the conversation that is.
thankyou though, it cleared up some stuff for me.

it's a new week tmr,
obviously, nothing that i'm looking forward to.
maybe it'll be more bearable this time though.

sometimes, i look down at it,
& i really wish that it could be lower down there and as deep.
but then i remember the promise i made,
& i just wish there was a way around it.
but since i promised already,
i don't exactly have any other choice.
i hate breaking my promises.

hello nat, how are you?
i haven't spoken to you for an eternity.
i miss you.
bye friend.
9:28 PM
|


hello, you're a jerk.
the biggest there ever is.
i hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

i'm upset,
i lost that happy feel already.

& i miss the feel of it.
the thrill from the process,
that feeling of liberation,
in short, i need it.
like the fish needs water.

yeah fucking cliche, i know.
but then again,
i'm in a very foul mood now.

there's this urge to cry badly,
over what, i really don't know.
everything seems damn fucking surreal.
i don't like at all.

i desperately need someone to rant at.
& i really need help.
but i don't wanna even begin to seek/ask.
12:44 AM
|


hello, you're a jerk.
the biggest there ever is.
i hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

i'm upset,
i lost that happy feel already.

& i miss the feel of it.
the thrill from the process,
that feeling of liberation,
in short, i need it.
like the fish needs water.

yeah fucking cliche, i know.
but then again,
i'm in a very foul mood now.

there's this urge to cry badly,
over what, i really don't know.
everything seems damn fucking surreal.
i don't like at all.

i desperately need someone to rant at.
& i really need help.
but i don't wanna even begin to seek/ask.
12:44 AM
|


you see, that's why i hate it so sometimes.
'cause it makes me feel fucking guilty.
damn.

i realised a little earlier on that i'm really terrified of doing something wrong.
especially amongst you guys.
'cause i'm so scared of the repercussions, the frustration & the anger.
& if i feel that way, i don't know,
but i believe that means something's really wrong here.

'cause technically speaking, you'll are supposed to be accepting right,
so if i'm so scared of committing a mistake,
then there's gotta be a problem somewhere.
only you see, i can't put a finger to the problem exactly
AND, i'm a little scared to identify it.
i really don't wanna admit that maybe, just maybe,
i'm growing scared of you guys.
it's really not something that i want to happen.
& there's basically just two that i'm especially afraid of.
& really, i don't like this.
not one single bit.

but then again,
ah):
1:48 AM
|


the weather is extremely dreary,
& it looks so depressing.
it would match my mood last week perfectly.
but y'know, surprisingly enough,
i've been in a fantastic mood since tuesday.
that's good, right?

all i have is gone,
burned to ashes by a dream.
i'd steal the sun & stars,
& set my heart aflame,
to light the sky for you.

it's gonna be the weekend.
yay.
i like,(:

hello, where are you?
11:52 AM
|


i don't think i'll be going back to school for the rest of the week.
after all, the teachers want me home as well.
haha.
oh & it really doesn't hurt that there's a spotcheck on friday.
& it is very essential that i miss it.
'cause it's common knowledge after all that i'll fail it.

besides, it won't do any harm to stay home till i fully recover.
i'll get to slack(:

i'm so fascinated by tattoos.
but it's two years before i can get one.
damn, haha.
so i guess the only things possible this year is,
to pierce my nose again,
& perhaps that surface piercing.

i haven't decided on that yet actually.
there's the extremely high cost to consider,
the fact that i'm super prone to infections,
how badly daddy will kill me,
& the pain of it.
i'm a sucker for pain, yes.
but then again, specific pain.

i'm feeling extremely nauseous now,
and my stomach hurts like crazy from coughing too much.
blah.):
9:20 PM
|


i had the best day of the whole year so far today.
thankyou iggy.
you really really made my day today.
i really appreciate everything.
& i'm so so sorry i accidentally slapped you.
what else can i say?
you're the greatest there is.

the good mood lasted even after excess today.
HAH(:

i still remember what you told me last year.
& you know what,
the Lord might just have been right after all.

on a sidenote,
i've been sick for 2 weeks already,
AND it's annoying me greatly.
11:33 PM
|


bio diagnostic was weird.
i fell asleep haha.
& it's really hard to pretend to be writing in the lab when you're sleeping.
well it was pretty hard today,
since clarence lim was exceptionally bored,
& wouldn't stop looking around.
so i had to keep waking me up.
needless to say, i'm bound to fail the test.
oh blah, but i can't really complain.
i chose to do homework instead of studying.

oh and pop is in july.
oh DAMN.
i really hate going for parades.

thankyou iggy,
you're a tremendous influence.
despite all my complains and what have you,
you're still there for me, always & no matter what.
& no matter how much we frustrate each other,
i can always count on you, regardless.
i love you too much.
i wasn't lying when i said the best.
i honestly meant it.

c'mon sweet catastrophe.

i've been feeling a lot better.
thankyou you.
8:16 PM
|


thankyou, my little spot of joy.
you're wonderful, really.

actually, i'm trying desperately not to freak out now.
i have too much work undone, most due tmr.
& a fucking exam tmr afternoon.
i have this feeling i'm gonna burst into tears soon.

hello, i think i need you here now to make me laugh.
i can't really cope with everything currently.
i'm scared man, fucking scared of god knows what.
d'you think you could possibly cheer me up now?

there's this unexplained pressure i feel weighing down on my chest.
& it's driving me fucking crazy.
i'm getting all jittery and scared.

i'm really tired,
& i just wanna sleep.
but fuck this all, i still have to do work.
damn.

& i knew you were lying.
somehow i couldn't believe that you were truly over her.
hey hon, i'm upset you kept it from me.
but if you think that, that's gonna make things better,
so be it then, there's nothing else for me to say.
thankyou for talking to me about it.
thankyou for listening to my complains again.
iloveyou, i really do,
you're a darling.

& though you frustrate me a lot,
you do make me laugh everytime.
& you're always there to just sit and be the company when i'm down.
thankyou you little spot of joy.
it means a lot to me.

i think i'll try to finish the most i can by 2.30
& then, i'll just go to sleep.
i'm freaking tired, & i probably won't survive tmr with so little sleep.
oh damn, i hate school.):
11:43 PM
|


i feel awesome skipping school, heh.
yeah, not the best thing in the world right now considering the circumstances,
but hell whichever man.
i like it(:

broken promises are inevitable though.

& i was going to rant about something.
apparently, i have completely forgotten about it.
damn, haha.

on a sidenote, i hate my meds.
the cough syrup thing tastes like complete crap.
but then again, i don't wanna spread my bug around again.
so, for the first time ever, i'm actually taking the damn meds.
instead of throwing them to one side & forgetting about them.
HAH.

regrets will haunt the whole time.
10:12 PM
|


i have this hope that by fulfilling my promise to ben,
i might just be able to experience the Lord.
well, somehow. & yes stupid i know.

'cause i miss you bad.
12:06 PM
|


it isn't just that lessons suck,
school's a lonely place where really, i don't belong.
it's a typical place where you see all the different cliques.
& if you don't belong anywhere by sec 4,
it's as simple as that, you just don't belong.

& i walk around school everyday bored as hell.
none of my bestest friends are in my school.
they're scattered here, there everywhere.
loneliness and boredom echoes from the whole compound.
hell, it ricochets off the walls.

hence, i really truly hate going to school.
& i'm always counting down till it's the weekends,
when i can really enjoy myself.
hell, despite all the shit currently,
tuesday nights are a welcome distraction from the beginning of the week.

i just read a particular blog,
where someone said that even if school sucks,
your sqdmates will always be there for you.
i believe they're just living in denial.
otherwise they just haven't opened their eyes wide yet.
my own sqd is a perfect example of hypocrites.
like c'mon, even i am a hypocrite in the squad.

all that talk about secondary school being a place where you meet your closest friends who will stick with you for life is frankly fucking bullshit.
or maybe, just maybe,
i don't bother opening up, well according to iggy at least.
but y'know darling stick,
i just don't see the fucking point.

& thankyou daddy,
yes i really appreciate that you're letting me skip school again.
really i am.

i'm proud of ignatius gabriel d'cruz by the way.
i'm very very proud of him actually.
he's finally studying!(:
yay, & 'cause he's iggy,
he'll be able to, hah.

oh, i should really stop procastinating and get down to work.
i have to complete that horrible amount of holiday hw.
i did promise iggy i'll try to be serious about my work this year.
a few more months & i'l be gone from cedar.
& to be honest, i can't fucking wait to graduate.
i've started counting down the days already, thankyou.
10:22 PM
|


i'm passing my bug to everyone,
& i'm so so sorry joel, alphons and ben.
i really didn't mean to make you guys sick as well.

i'm hoping to stay home from school tmr.
it's a nightmare, honestly.
there's erictan again.
fuck, & i totally challenged him last yr.
ah wells, i can't really be bothered actually.

i remember what you said that day,
& many times i wonder if you meant it.
you're the one who's always on my mind.
& truth be told, i lied.
i've just been trying to make them feel better.

& you know,
i'm tired of losing so much more.
i was thinking about it the whole day.
i lost too many friends last year.
& honestly, i miss them all.
especially you, you and you.

i'll measure pleasure by the twisting of the metal in the veins.
'cause it's my sweet call to happiness.
11:10 PM
|


thankyou for being there.
it means so much to me.
12:03 AM
|


i'm tired,
& i'm hurting once more.
it seems they were just buried somewhere all along.

i'd love to say let the games begin,
& treat it all like my happy playground,
but my world came crashing once upon a dream.

*so i walk down to the shore,
& whisper my secrets of past and yesterdays,
i tell the waters my take on reality,
& watch the choppy waves bring fantasy back again.*

paperthin and chock full of holes,
crazily entrenched in layers of deceitful agony.
my heart makes no sound as it slowly dies alone.

ripped to shreds,
the elasticity of it is threatened by pink,
i've lost the trust that existed in my cold, toxic veins.

*

i'll take a walk down the blooming orchards.
i'll find a place where dandelions thrive.
i'll lay and rest amongst young vibrant orchids.
& then it's time to wonder, where's the sense in this?

*

i'll take fantasy as reality anytime of anyday.
3:12 AM
|


& sometimes i wonder,
why i just can't feel you, Lord.
& i'll always feel so fucking abandoned.

i wish you could have sneaked out yesterday iggy.
i really wish you're here right now,
but i do know that i don't wanna tell you what i did.
'cause it really tears me to watch the disappointment reflect in your eyes.
& i do know that i just can't depend on you always.
but i really need you now,
only, i can't.

& i'll fantasize of leaving this behind.

is there really a need for a barrier?
i really wish things could be better,
but then again,
maybe it's best left this way.

why d'you always have that crazy talent,
to make fresh saline fall from psycho orbs?

pins are the greatest invention of all time.
such wonderful, useful objects despite their size.
whoever invented it should be hailed.

'cause there was never much of a difference anyway.
11:27 PM
|