like maybe it's extremely disappointing.
i had been counting down.
& i so wanted to talk to the only other friend i have there.
hello you, i'll tell you again on saturday if it was any good.
thankyou for yesterday!
i really had fun.(:

the smell of ashes is choking me.
& i wonder how i'm gonna survive the next few days.
i've been living on the energy generated from the stress & adrenaline.
i need sleep bad, i can't get it.

oh & pms is making me an extreme moodswinging bitch.
coupled with lack of sleep,
let's just say now's probably a very bad time to piss me off.

& i really should start on homework.
or i'll be deprived of even more sleep.
12:03 AM
|




1:26 AM
|


disgusting.

thankyou nana.
i lvoe you too(:
11:43 PM
|


i'm disgusted with school.
& there's good ol' school tmr.
what's the point in going tmr?
huh huh?
there'll hardly be lessons.

suddenly, i just feel like i wanna be left completely alone.
away from the crowd.
away from the friends.
just in my bed with my baby.
getting the rest i badly need.
9:06 PM
|


i'm tired as hell,
i don't know how i'm gonna survive the homework.
oh damn.

on a sidenote,
i'm the epitome of a klutz.
maybe i should just walk around with padded cushions for protection.

OH, and i should just learn to keep my mouth shut.
i'm sorry, you.
a million apologies if possible.
1:04 AM
|


i detest wearing red on chinese new year.
i wanted to wear my black&white striped long sleeve.
had to compromise with the 'rents & throw on a red polo over in the end.
eww.

i looked weird.
&poof goes the dream of owning a bass.
the richest uncles were a no show.
i had like less than 200 bucks.
that's not even half of what i got last year.
so annoying.
i can't get my bass now.):
it'll be all spent by this week.
shopping!(:
though i should probably save for shopping on the 1st
AND the falloutboy concert i promised jannah i'd go.
):

11:54 PM
|


school seemed so empty today.
you're supposed to be gone right.
please stay that way.
thankyou.

on a sidenote,
i'm admitting that i was way too ambitious.
we only managed to touch up.
but FUCK.
some idiot took down/threw away our posters again.
we're left with two only.
& i spent so long.
this is seriously pissifying.
eeyer.

macs & jungle speed was pure fun & love.
god, i've never laughed so much this week lah.

& i'm seriously deprived of sleep.):
12:12 AM
|


you're probably right weiming, but still.):
oh do i get an angbao for new year?
HEH.

i really should stop procastinating man.
but then again, i don't feel that tired.
AND, there'll be no school tmr.
so it doesn't matter if i don't get sleep today.
after all there's homework to complete.

oh & i'm given more tuition homework than i ever got from teachers in school.
but still, i think my tuition teacher is awesome.
THANKYOU for not charging till after midyrs & the discount.
terence chua you rock lah.



so sweet right!
i love yinxue too.

pretty soon, it'll be a year.
i learnt of your existence a year ago.
& sometimes like today, i wonder what would have happened,
if i had never left & stayed on.
would your jealousy have killed me?
or would we have gelled?

i still miss you.
especially whenever the laughter that spills seems so forced.
& the smile falters on my face.
'cause then i remember the times you made me laugh.
i remember the times i smiled 'cause i was really touched.

BUT, that's the past.
a chapter in my storybook that's sealed shut with superglue.
it's not the time for emo shit.
12:36 AM
|


hello bennnnnnnn! awww, too bad.
you're stuck in camp.
i never knew those boxes were so sharp whatttttt.
oh, err, it's only when i don't fall asleep first each night.
heh.

i'm tired again.
i just woke up from sleeping outside.
it's getting very annoying.
whatever happened to my ability to stay up till late.
so annoying.

chinese new year soon.
money come faster.
there's too many things i wanna get.
12:41 AM
|


i just cut myself with the clingwrap box.
-mutters.
it's really damn dumb.

there's this line that just struck me.
you know i need to hear from you, to find the strength to carry on.
plainsunset - quiet time.

too true.
just by counting on faith alone,
i have to admit that my faith just will not hold.
i'm wavering, 'cause i haven't felt Him.
just to believe alone, it's hard man.

blind faith.
is it really just plain obedience or what?
it's hard to put what i wanna say into words.
in fact, i don't think i'm gonna bother.
there's just too much that i want to say but find it very hard to type.

i shall think about it tonight.
after all, i don't intend to sleep.
too many questions, too little answers
11:40 PM
|


so annoying!
stupid cookies and their stupid bloody sweetness.
stupid sogginess as well.
oh fuck.):

& i was supposed to enjoy 'cause there's no homework.
BLAH.
i think the only word i keep repeating so far is pissifying.
'cause it really is so damn pissifying.

i hate valentines' day.
why must it be so complicated & annoying?

ok, that's it with the ranting.
i've got a ton more, but, i did promise to stop.
oh damn.
9:08 PM
|


i'm happy, yay.

haha, but there's homework to start on soon.
AH!):

i've managed to abide by my new promise.
there's no regrets today.
for that, i'm thankful.

thankyou for making my day today.
i honestly had tons of fun.:D

/edit.
i'm highly annoyed with bloody geog hw.
& i really badly wanna sleep, fuck.
oh & i keep getting distracted.
i forsee i won't sleep till much later.
oh bloody fucking hell.
11:21 PM
|


i spent a long time time thinking about what jeremy said.
i still believe it's extremely unfair that nonbelievers go to hell.
i really think that whether you go to heaven or not should depend on whether you've been a good person or not.
but then again, who am i to judge who goes to heaven or to hell?
i'm not god, nope, nowhere close.
i'm in no position to comment or judge.
so i guess that's i can do now.
move on, & perhaps speculate sometimes.

makes sense though, it's time i lived my life the way i want to.
sure, it's easy to say, but damn, really hard to do.
but then again, i really should just do the things that make me happy.
live life to the fullest i say, fuck the cliched part of it.
& really, start small.
'cause it's the small little things that actually make life awesome.
it's the little things that makes one happy.

for me, i guess it's good food.
good music, & the little little things like hugging eeyore, chilling with the bestest friends in the world, & just going through each day knowing i did something i wanted to, & i don't regret doing it, knowing that i didn't waste the day doing stuff that i hated.

currently, i'm very happy and very satisfied.
the plus is my friends are awesome shit.
thankyou for all the support, care & love for the past few days.
from uncle & granduncle's deaths, to stupid chinese o's.
you guys are my rock, & my pillar of strength.
thankyou.
9:59 PM
|


my ever loving Father,

i don't get it. why?
why the same damn family in one week?
why Lord, why?
why take away someone again?
they haven't even gotten over one death,
why take away another member?
WHY?

it's not fair Lord, it just isn't.
they're saddled with so many problems already.
why present them with more?
they're all sick, why now?

he was old, i admit that.
he's already sick, yes.
but WHY NOW?
he just lost his son, did you have to take him away now?
the family's so broken, did you have to take both of them away now?

she's so sick already Lord.
what if she gets a stroke?
he's sick as well.
what if he gets worse?
he still has to look after his mother AND his own family.
his mother's already senile.
why throw all these obstacles at them Lord.
i can't understand why at all.

my dearest Father,
i can't comprehend it at all.
death seems overwhelming.
why do they have to deal with two deaths in one week?
they just cremated one, & now there's one more.
why so near this festive season?

it just isn't fair.
it really isn't.
are You gonna take away more Lord?
they shouldn't have to deal with all this now.
they shouldn't.

why? why? why?
they're good people.
they don't deserve this, they just don't.
i can't understand this.

what have they done to get all this shit thrown at them Lord?
what?

why Father?
why, exactly?

-celestine.
11:35 PM
|


it's seriously none of my business,
but i just can't see what you see in each other.
i don't get it.
i used to think it was sweet,
but it's disintegrated so fast into something that's making no sense.
i just really can't understand it.
but then again, i don't have the right to butt in.

school was a drag.
we only had chem, and chinese just doesn't count.
i could have skipped school today & not miss out at all.
i just wasted my time completely.
not to mention possible trouble for skipping the refresher course.
but whatever the hell i guess.

i dread tmr.
why must all the most disgusting things happen at the same time?
sometimes i wonder what's the point?
seriously.
3:05 PM
|


thankyou.
i think you guys know who you are.
12:34 AM
|


are you just a figment of my imagination?

the tears threaten desperately to spill.
i don't know who to confide in.
i don't know how to spell out this desperation i feel,
the fear that's growing bigger & bigger.
the fear of losing the ones i hold dear.

i feel the gap widening between us,
& really it hurts.
you said you'd protect me & be there for me.
somehow i have my reservations.

i don't know how to help you at all.
hell, i don't know if i need help myself.
i wonder how to love myself.

i've been holding back all this while.
& it's gonna consume me.
what if i lose my mind suddenly?
the possiblities are immense & terrifying to consider.

i can't believe in promises anymore.
everyone's leaving, slowly but surely.
i'm sorry i can't be strong.
11:17 PM
|


i'm scared.

iggy gave me an additional option for a godparent.
i don't know.

my brain's overwhelmed, i don't like it.
6:32 PM
|


there's an overwhelming sense of loss.
even though i barely knew him.
all i can remember is the times he always treated me to movies and popcorn & what have you as a kid.
he didn't have to do that at all.
after all, i wasn't a close relative.
hell i was his brother's niece,
in no way related much, yet he still did.

the hardest part of it is knowing his death was sudden.
it really sucks knowing that death suddenly seems so much closer.
when popo died, i wasn't greatly affected 'cause i was way too young.
now that an uncle i never remembered the name of has died,
it just seems hard to accept.

i've never been one to deal with loss,
& the fact that it's actually someone i know,
reality hasn't sunk in yet.
honestly though, i'm not that upset over his death as i barely knew him.
however, it's the fact that death has just been brought a few steps closer that scares me.

i've always believed that nobody i'm close to or even accquainted with will die.
well, at least not now when i'm still young.
now i'm terrified of losing the people dearest to me.
i'm scared that his death will be too hard a blow for my dearest uncle and aunt.
i'm scared that one day i'll lose someone near & dear as well.

what if the person who died just a few days ago was a family member?
what if it was iggy, or someone else dear?
frankly, i'm scaring myself.

but what if?
what if tmr someone were to die?
what if that someone was a loved one?
time has never seemed so short and precious before.
love & appreciate before it's too late.
it seems so cliche now but so damn true.

if i loved you more, would you love me any less?
10:13 PM
|


if he's dead & i don't feel anything, does that mean something's wrong?
4:20 PM
|


it seems to be this cruel cycle.
one moment we're fighting,
then we're laughing,
then i'm worried.

i seem to cry & worry for you more than i'm happy.
i don't like it at all.
& many times i wonder if it's worth it.

hello, i promised you i won't be fake.
i seem to keep promising you things i can't deliver.
& what hurts most is the disappointment so evident.
i never ever learn, huh?

your confidence really does little to assure me.
the more confident you are, the more worried i become.
if i'm not afraid the cops will bust you,
i'm worried you'll get drunk,
or some other dumb cocked up reason.

i'm frightened at how tired you are nowadays.
i'm frightened by the toll the problems at home are causing you.
you've always been my rock,
you've always been the one person i can always count on,
it scares me that it's always kinda been like a show.
i'm terrified of the concept that there won't be anyone there.

thinking back now,
i've never delivered on any.
i promised not to cry; i failed miserably.
i promised to be strong; it was a complete disaster.
i promised not to let the little things affect me; i did.
i promised to think before i act; it never happened.
i promised not to be so stupid; i never acted smart.
ultimately though,
i promised not to be fake; just remembering that is hard.

most times, i wonder how you can even put up with me.
& tears are a bitch; you strengthed my belief in that.
somehow though, i can't seem to stop the saline rolling down.
you know, it really fucking sucks.
there are times when i just want to slap you.
& then i end up wanting to beat myself up, anything that churns out pain.

have we really changed that much?
i have the urge to cry, now.
11:53 PM
|


it seems i keep falling sick on saturdays.
fucking annoying lah.
blah.


on a sidenote,



i'm in love with that, heh.
i spent like bloody long doing it lah.
i think it's damn pretty!
& that's enough with all that self-praise as well.

the cheesecake's done! whee.
but i haven't tried it, haha.
gotta wake up earlier tmr so i can make sure the cake's fit for consumption.
i can't wait for their comments.

Running away, nothing has been done
Shattered dreams and broken hearts
The time has come to recover what we've lost
The time has come to take back what was ours
12:53 AM
|


i'd love to think that i'm finding life way more bearable now.
& of course, i'm proud that i've managed to control.
& i do hope that i'm complaining a lot less.
though really, i have serious doubts on that.

i skipped school again, ah wells.
i've been skipping like crazy.
though somehow even though i don't care about school,
despite my complains, i still feel obliged to the damn cca.

i believe there's always this point whereby you just stop and realise the need for change, & you actually do something about it & change.
for me, i guess i really need to change, but i can't seem to discipline myself enough to do anything about it.
so, here i go, complaining again.
there's my cue to shut up.

on a sidenote, i'm swearing lesser and lesser.
go, me!
8:28 AM
|