six more days,
will you remember?
please do.
or i'll be crying the whole day.

the rain is an asshole.
makes everything so dreary & depressing.

ol looks freaking ugly now,
i couldn't believe what i saw just now.
i shall head back another day to visit the teachers.

i wanna play settlers!
i miss the game.
but jem doesn't wanna play till after his exams!):
that's like in june!
what in the world am i gonna do till then?
oh blah, i'm gonna miss settlers like hell after he leaves.

msg in 2 days!:D

i'm bored as hell.
2:54 PM
|


lessons are over :D
well for 2 weeks at least.
now's the damn exams):
ah wells.

had prayer walk yesterday!
i thought it was very interesting considering it's my first.
we split & to be honest i dreaded being alone with kevin & some other guy.
i mean, i hardly know them.

but it turned out fine & i'm happy.
sharing after prayer walk was very thought provoking.
especially jon chan's.
the boss at Home is damn nice lah.
haha, he saw us standing & told us to chill at Home.
& coke was on the house as well.
sweeeeeeeet.

oh they had some offer for beer.
the rest ordered 2 jugs, & i drank hazel's. HEH.
fenghan paid for it, so nice lah.
& he's leaving also, in 2 weeks.
damn, why is everyone leaving?
they'll all be gone by august.

oh firefight's gonna sell merchandise soon to raise funds.
i think i'll buy, wait who am i kidding?
i'm definitely gonna buy it.

i'm tired):
& not looking forward to tuition.

spidey next tuesday!
yay, another bloody jampacked day.
somehow i have to squeeze studying & tuition between cell & spidey.
cell outing! yay.
love.
3:53 PM
|


bad mood amplified by a cut in allowance,
another boring day in school,
a fear that a particular someone will forget next week,
oh & fats piling happily on.

yeah, tine's in a pretty crappy mood.
i may just have to give up phantom if my allowance is being cut.):
after all, june3rd is a must & i'm gonna pay half for ther's tickets.
i'm a good sister ok.

we're plunging into a new low of financial woes.
sometimes i wonder just how much i'm willing to give up.
indeed my lifestyle is expensive,
but at the same time, i'm supporting myself with my allowance.
with the cut, i'm never gonna have meals outside already.
i'd rather save the cash to get the stuff i need/want.

they're fighting again):
i need to get out of this house, this family.

& i wonder how i'm gonna pay for o's.
4:22 PM
|


no, tine hasn't cheered up.
in fact, her stomach hurts now.
& she's dreading school.
she just stuffed herself with tomyam noodles & chocolate,
& yeah, in her head she's pissed about the possible weight gain.

no, this isn't a good week.
she's pmsing so badly, pretty soon she'll start crying in school.
& then a whole new cycle of self-loathing will start.
'cause you see, tine hates said self.

it's only approaching the middle part of the year,
& already tine just wants to sleep her days away.
go be a bum, drop dead, whatever.
she just wants rest.

tine hasn't started on hw.
she doesn't want to at all.
she's awfully drained, has been for too long in fact.
she's just starting to see the effects now.

you see, here's where the disadvantages of keeping silent come into play.
she stuffs all her problems & what not deep inside herself.
normally, it means there's too much shit when she cries.
most times though, she's crying for things in the past.

she's back to being terrified of sleeping at night.
will things change forever when she wakes?
will she never find that elusive ray?
will she always loathe herself this much?
so many questions, yet no possible answers.
what's wrong with her?

pressure from everyone & no one at all.
expectations that stem from herself mostly.
pride that cannot fall.
oh she does this to herself, yes indeed.

feelings of passion, frustration, refusal, whatever.
they're ensnared in the devil's trap.

she wants so much to contribute to the ministries she's with,
yet that feeling of being stifled & choked never goes away.
kid, yeah she's one.
or so they always say.

alcohol.
if only she could just have some now.
drown herself in a whirl of nothingness,
oh yeah, she's just desperate for release.

friends come & go.
that's not true, she wants so badly to believe that.
they mean the world to her.
yet no one ever seems to be by her side.

it's true what they say.
you can always feel lonely even in a crowd.
of course she'd know that, it's common for her.
hell, it's pretty much second nature for tine.

why is she even wallowing in self-pity?
she does this all the time, it's hell annoying.
get over it, she screams.
smash the glass against the wall, & watch the pieces shatter and pierce.
how pretty, the sight of roses adorned on the pieces.

oh wth is this?
1:20 AM
|


i haven't spent time with any of them,
that now when i'm so lost, there doesn't seem to be anyone to turn to.
that idiot's been moodswinging so badly that i don't dare hang out with them.
& it's so much more apparent where i went wrong.

when one door closes, there's nothing else.

i haven't been this upset in so long.
so much so that i'm craving something i can't have):

i think i'm mentally, physically & emotionally drained.
or is that all the same thing?
i haven't done anything but sleep the whole day yesterday & today.
& that's damn bad lah considering the pile of work waiting for me.

food has been so not helping.
i'm just more upset that i'm gaining weight.
music is only temporary,
i can't have it during lessons.

i have this urge to go somewhere quiet & lonely by myself,
& just cry the whole day.
maybe it'll make me feel a lot better?
i don't know.

i don't feel like doing my homework.
what's another day of scoldings?

y'know it sucks.
there's no one else when idiot moodswings.
i'll be too scared to hang out with them.
then there's no one else):

i want honey sausages.
at least there might be food if there's nothing else.

i shouldn't even be pitying myself.
whatever happened to trying to be strong?
11:19 PM
|


i'm still feeling lost.):

thankyou stick!
i love love love love love you very much.
i'm sorry i made used of you to listen to me cry again.

somehow it's like i'm crying for every single time i didn't dare to.
needless to say, there's still too much unshed tears stuck in this body.
it sucks):

on a second note, i feel awful!
i drew on jonleong's hand like nobody's business yesterday!
what if it doesn't come out?
heh, he'll die in camp.
& i'll die from guilt.
oops, but it was fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
heh.


& i'm damn late to get to church.
shit
9:16 AM
|


here's the part where the tears just threaten to spill,
for what reason though, i don't really know why.
i've had an awesome week.

i expected it.

y'know, sometimes it feels as though there's a huge black hole.
& you're just caught somewhere in the middle.
so nothing surrounds you but pitch blackness.

yeah, something feels bloody lacking.

friend! just don't forget it ok.
2 more weeks from now.
i'll probably hide in one corner & cry if you do forget it.

i'm feeling all depressy & moody.):
1:01 AM
|


OHMYGOD!
anberlin & copeland are coming down to singapore on june 3rd.
but that's not the part that really woke me up.
this is: with wakemeup bands marchtwelve, vertical rush & THE FIRE FIGHT.
oh my goodness.

jeremy woke me up just to let me check that.
yes, you're a good friend.

60bucks for anberlin, vertical rush & THE FIRE FIGHT!
it makes falloutboy seem such a waste of money.
shit, any amount is worth it!
i heard ff was gonna perform again in june,
but i never expected this.
i'm gonna be a very happy person:D

oh oh oh album launch on the 30th of may,
do come down for the se band.
it'll be worth an experience.

i deleted yesterday's post accidentally.-.-

but, cell was in short, very inspiring & touching yesterday.
thankyou fangfang, kevin & jem.
i'm constantly being affirmed in my faith by your messages & encouragement.
if you choose not to believe God's message to you,
then you're letting the devil talk to you. -marcus

something to that extent lah, i forgot what jem was saying.
talking about our ambitions yesterday was hilarious.
you guys never cease to crack me up.
especially jonchia! HAHA.

i went shopping earlier before tuition with jem.
i finally bought my bag, YAY!
jem always equals very interesting conversations.
& yeah, i'm very interested in joining sonic edge.
just probably not now at the moment,
you know my reasons though.

hello amanda, benny and guna.

settlers again tmr!
still no original settlers gang):
the jons are going for nofx.
jon leong is going for freeeeeeeeeee, not fair.
but then again, he is the guitar tech for plainsunset.
& really, plainsunset is the only reason why i wanted to go.

i'm still very excited about firefight.
so much so that i can't sleep.
honestly though, they're my favourite(:

gordon's leaving tmr(today actually) ):
but never mind, he's only going for a holiday.
i still am gonna have a companion on boring bus rides when jem & jonchia get antisocial on me aka start discussing certain issues.
oh and it's sad.
i won't be able to catch surreal live,
'cause they're not playing at baybeats since gordon will be studying in aust i guess.

why is everyone leaving to study in aust?
i wanna go also!

FIREFIGHT! love.
despite their constant teasing.
or rather jon's constant teasing.
ray of sunshine.(:
12:59 AM
|


disgust rears its ugly head again.
& y'know, you really disgust me.
you're so low & you treat others in such a degrading manner.
what's wrong with you?
i still don't get why you're in the position that you're in.
i think it's way wrong.

my back hurts like crap):
tine is very very upset.
sucks lah, it's so distracting.
first my arm, now my back.

AND, I LOST WEIGHT!
actually just 0.6 which means i'm still fat,
but stilllllll it's an accomplishment. HEH.
but i lost my gold for napfa as well):
all 'cause of one stupid standing broad jump.
i'm very sad!

i'm trying & somehow maybe it'll just work out.
i have faith(:

i hope nana gets better soon.

& i hope people will stop thinking i'm dating that stupid chua!
so dumb lah, how old is he man?
& age aside, i have much better taste thankyouverymuch.
you guys are very ohmygosh man.
12:09 AM
|


inspiring, that's for sure.
it makes me crave to go about making a difference in my life as well.
ah wells, we'll see.

on a sidenote, my arm hurts like crap.
ok, not really an intense pain.
but more like this dull throbbing ache that is extremely distracting.
):
it's actually putting me in a lousy mood.

especially since i've been genuinely not feeling well for the past few days.
no, it's not another attempt to skip school.
i'm seriously not liking it one bit.
& i honestly wish i can, just so i can rest.

i'm in serious need of a good long rest.
something that i'm not about to get as of yet,
considering there's hardly any free time 'cept monday.
turns out you were right after all iggy.

i need my holidays badly,
just so i can sleep a day away.
why can't it come faster?
5 more weeks before i'm free.
9:59 PM
|


i'm sorry.
i'm so damn sorry.
i can't seem to think of anything else to say.
i wish i could take away the hurt in your voice.
i'm sorry, i can't hate you.
that's impossible.

would you believe me if i said i didn't need you
'cause i wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me
7:58 PM
|


sound system was way better.
though honeytrapp was more energetic.
but you know, irregardless you guys did an awesome show.
it'll always be worth the money to catch a live show,
& even more worth it to hear when spring comes home live.
jon! you're too rough with the strap lah,
why are you guys jamming today, huh huh?

no more original settlers gang):
the jons aren't coming.
ah, i miss the jons.

oh, & i feel bad for ignoring the firefight boys yesterday, oops.

i'm the epitome of an idiot.
i can't hate you, i love you too much to ever do that.
but you just keep breaking my heart.
why?

on a sidenote, thankyou for being there.
i must have looked like an idiot breaking down in church huh?
the both of you were awesome! hazel & jem, love & thanks.
the stupid antics of the guys all but cheered me up again.
plus awesome food at meridien.
i LOVE you guys, thankyou!

oh before i forget, had a very interesting talk too.
with chris, hazel & jem.
we started on the rituals & traditions in the catholic faith,
& progressed on to the different bibles.
interesting, haha.

i continued it with jem as we split with the rest & headed back.
somehow from complaining bout the pressure i feel to choose,
we gradually descended into theology.

i wanna sign up for the biblical studies program!
at least i hope there won't be an age limit.
i don't mind making the sacrifice necessary,
i just fear the back talk.
though honestly, it's not something that i should even consider.
after all, i'm not a member.
yep, so there.
8:52 AM
|


THREE MORE HOURS.
yes, i'm that bored at home.
i've actually resorted to counting down to meeting the guys.
but honestly, i can't wait.

i just remembered something!
the song that i sing album launch is end of the month.
thirty bucks is shit a lot sia.
if you weren't kidding me with last night,
i sure as hell will go.

settlers tmr!
yay, after so many weeks.
i can finally play with the old crowd tmr.:D
tine will win, & thrash the guys!
shut up tine.

well, officially two more weekends to msg and exams.
i should really stop counting down,
much as i would love this year to be over soon.
12:46 PM
|


FIREFIGHT soon.
yay, i sound like a bloody groupie.
shut up tine.

buttttttttttt, it still cracks me up every time i remember their reactions.
all i had to say was oh firefight, yeah i've heard of them.
questions started shooting, haha.

i can't go for service AGAIN this week.
-mutters.
stupid meeting with the catechists.
i wanted to catch the speaker this week lah.
AH!):

i'm late for tuition again.
oops.
ah wells.
5:55 AM
|


i just got a bloody paper cut.
-mutters.
for such a tiny thing, it hurts like crap.
oh wth.

plainsunset is performing next week.
& i can't go.
'cause it's too bloody ex.
60 bucks, nah uh.

on a sidenote, i've got one answer at least.
thankyou for giving me the opportunity Lord.
indeed, He hears our prayers.
i've got a new promise!
to simply ignore what others think of me,
& share His word as He wants me to.

it's been eating at me since tuesday.
it started off with the whole sotiredimfallingasleep during devotion.
then i gave up the opportunity to share what i've learnt at se.
the whole shitwhatwilltheythinkifisharemyfaith in school.
i missed out on the perfect opportunity to share with umayirongsyafiqah.
then another sotiredimfallingasleep during worship on wednesday.
i missed out on something very important - kevin's message.

guilt is a very harsh master.
i've been carrying it around until earlier,
when i had the chance to talk to nigel.
true, he thought me freaky and found it irritating.
but hey, he's always talking to me when his relationships break down,
there's always another chance.

haha, if the me of last year read this post,
she'd probably think the me of now has gone off her rocker.

i don't wanna make the choice.
nope, but subconciously i have.
& though it's kept silent,
i do feel this pressure from people to choose between excess & sonicedge.
nope, i'm not liking it one bit.
it's putting more stress on me.
& there's already enough from exams & iggy.

shit, midyrs are pretty soon.
funnily, i still can't muster any sense of urgency.
i need to reevaluate my mindset, heh.

annnnnnnnnnnd! i need a good long break, aka sleep and fun.
i can't wait for the june hols.
approximately 6 more weeks to late night suppers and fellowship.
i so am counting down the days already.

oh and the next msg is coming up!
3 more weekends :D

i forgot to say something.
FIREFIGHT this saturday!
yay, i'll be catching the awesomest again.
& no jon, i can't laugh out loud.
it's called habit.
12:46 AM
|


happy!
there's no cca this friday.
woots.
it makes me half willing to endure the bday celebrations tmr.
i forgot about it, oops.

on a sidenote,
the exam timetable is very relaxing.
so much so that i can actually catch phantom during exam period.
'cause i have a break before my last paper.
& two days break after.

i cannot wait:D
i actually don't have to go to school.
life is good to me, haha.

it's a fight between my heart and mind,
no one really wins this time.

i miss you still.
but i'm learning, & i'm trying to cope.
as long as you're happy, i'm willing to keep my mouth shut.
i'm crazy that way.
no, i don't like you that way, that's bloody absurd.
you just mean too much to me.

i'm lucky to have good friends.
& i just heard my shoulder bone crack.
HAHA
11:50 PM
|


if only it didn't hurt so much to see you.
if only you actually cared a bit more.
if only i had never regarded you as my best friend.

i still miss you so much.
if only it had never disintegrated.

jem, i don't know how.
i can't bring myself to get over it.
why can't i just spend almost all my time with se?
they make me happy.

why did we fall apart?
9:24 PM
|


I LOVE.
11:17 AM
|


stop breaking my heart.
but then again, it's my own fault for wanting you to be happy.
stop asking me to stop crying.
you don't know why i cry.
it's 'cause of you,
9:05 AM
|


i can get over this.
yeah, i can.
'cause i must either way.

it's just momentary pain & hurt.
& i'm not alone.
at the very least, i have Him.

& just 'cause of that, i can deal with the pain.
i can deal with the loss.
i'll admit that it hurts to lose my best friend.
it took me two years to get him back,
& 3 weeks for the friendship to disintegrate again.

i miss him like crap.
yet, it'll be awkward to see him.
'cause i know that i've spent two years in denial.
i can't find words to express my feelings currently.

i just know it hurts, & it's painful.
i miss you so much stick.
& i still love you. nothing can change that.
i just want you to be happy, but i can't keep neglecting myself.

if He wills it so, we'll get back together one day.
but they're right. you stopped being there a long time ago.
i gotta snap out of it & leave.
just be happy please, be happy.
12:26 AM
|


i miss you like fuckshit.
& i thought i was over swearing.
4:53 PM
|


i don't want this to end, no.
but at the same time, i'm tired of lying to myself.

hurt, pain.
i've long been subjected to the mercies of the two.
i just never thought it had to end this way.

you're important to me.
& much as you've long been my star,
i know only full well i can never measure up to people like ally & nana.

i do know that it's unhealthy.
i'm unwilling to let go, yeah.
though ultimately i will,
'cause it's all i can do.

i love you so much, it always hurts.
must i really say goodbye?

on a sidenote,
i feel strangely comforted hearing that i'm a part of them.
thankyou for accepting me.
it's been two weeks, thankyou.
12:39 AM
|


sometimes i wonder why.
& then i hate you for abandoning me once again.
was it your plan all along?
to cast me aside once i've helped you get her back?
it hurts, you idiot.
it hurts bad.

but at the same time, i just want you to be happy.
so much so that, i'll never tell you how much you've hurt me.
just be happy, & i'll be satisfied.
you're my star, really.
1:28 AM
|


FIREFIGHT.
they're even better than west grand.
for a maiden gig, they're freaking awesome.
i turned terence into a fan.

AND, joshtan's girlfriend is very pretty!
haha, they look damn cute together.
firefight's energy level was god high lah.
have i mentioned that they're all damn good eyecandy?
even jonleong, he's just gotta rid the specs.
BUT damn, they're hot, talented and beyond spectacular.
the fourteen bucks wasn't wasted after all.

the temporary deafness,
the irritating mediocre bands,
the disgusting smoke smell,
the stupid redundant bashing around,
the terrible terrible singing/wailing,
the boring tedium.
it was entirely WORTH IT.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE FIREFIGHT.
yes yes yes.
they're shit awesome man.
gosh, i can't stop gushing.

i must must must go for the next gig man.
it'll be so totally worth it.
awesome lah!
1:55 AM
|