all i really wanted was to talk to someone.
anyone.
i just needed someone to be there for me.
and who i could confide in.
but i've screwed all my friendships.
yay.
the path of self-destruction?
for lack of better words.
thats what im calling it.
im gonna walk that path now.
and stay on it.

close to three years.
thats how long i've been ostracized in the squad.
and i really dont care if you guys read this.
you already think im an attituted bitch.
so WHY SHOULD I CARE?

when i tried to join in,
you guys ignored me.
why did you think i chose to leave?
i tried till i gave up.
you dont understand at all.
stop acting as though you do.

we walked away?!
hello!
do you understand the meaning of you'll are dismissed.
the word being dismissed here.
which part of it do you NOT understand?
should i write a full explanation for you?
and you weren't there you freaking bitch.
you barely heard the full story.
yet you judge us.
after hearing their extremely screwed side of the story.
and YOU choose to believe them and say that WE DO NOT look at things from your side,
that we are acting more and more unreasonable.
then you say that you ARE NOT TAKING ANY SIDES.
what the fuck bitch.
do you even understand what you're saying?
and.
we do not look at things from you viewpoint?
fine maybe we dont sometimes.
but.
has any of you ever looked at things from OUR viewpoint?
have you?
NO.
so what right do you have to say that?

you say no, we shouldnt cut blah blah blah.
what utter rubbish.
firstly, i dont cut myself.
believe it or not,
thats NOT my problem.
as far as im concerned, my conscience is clear.
i do not cut.
i do things that cause pain.
yes, but i dont cut.

and secondly, why should i fucking listen to you?
you cut yourself.
you have no right to tell me not to when you do it yourself.
stop contradicting yourself.

you know its so obvious we've sunked down so low.
we can fight in front of our juniors.
and the rest of the school.
are you seriously telling me that you guys think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that?
who the fuck are you trying to kid?

can you get any less empathetic?
for the fucking love of god,
we were having a discussion.
and we were crying.
you dont just squat there and demand an explanation.
and then tell us that we have to control our emotions and get on with it.
well SCREW YOU.
i've been controlling all this while.
and i've been breaking down these few days.
just let me cry in peace ok.

thankyousomuch.
dont you think its much too late to finally realise that the both of us have always been neglected by the squad.
you didnt care then.
whats the point now?
because i dont give a fuck now.
it no longer matters to me if im in the same world as you guys.
i gave up finding the entrance when the inside kicked me out 3 years ago.
i searched ok.
i searched for the dammit entrance.
but it was never there.
even when i found it.
it refused to budge open.

we make you feel inferior becuase we're acting superior?
i really dunno whether to laugh at your oblivion or to cry with frustration.
who really feels inferior?
dont tell me that i shouldnt listen to what thk and everybody else say.
because after listening to the same shit all this while,
i believe it.
ask yati.
we feel the same way ok.
and we have really had enough.
i cant believe you said she sneered at you.
just because she turned her back.
it just proves how little you understand her.
anybody would have known she was upset.
well except for you guys obviously.
we are both sarcastic by nature ok.
deal with it.

hypocritical bitches.
you said be firm.
so we're firm.
and then you say we are unreasonable and unfair.
those are the exact words you used.
and you said act more like an nco/ic, not a sqdmate.
and then again.
stop acting like you're our nco.
dont forget you are still our sqdmate.
HELLO.
are we the only ones who see the irony in that?

seriously stop pretending to be nice.
you got something to say to me.
you jolly well say it to my fucking face.
instead of bitching behind my back.
stop being so two-faced.
'cause you're just making me itch to slap you.

well you know what.
you've got your fucking wish.
the both of us really wont be your ncos/ics anymore.
you'll be fine with silin.
i hope you'll be satisfied.

i just have a very simple request.
leave me the fuck alone ok.
im tired of you guys.
tired of the whole fucking ndp.
the whole training today i had to dig my nails into my skin.
just to stop myself from screaming at everything
and to stop the tears from falling.

every single day i resort to the stupid metal ruler.
no.
im not proud of it.
but it has become a necessity in my life.
im gonna scratch all the skin out soon.
i cant say i hate you guys.
because someone once told me that to hate someone you have to love them first.
and honestly,
i have never loved you guys.
i was just living in self-delusion.
thinking i could.
but youknowwhat.
i really cant bring myself to do it.

just take your meenah self and SCRAM.
get lost ok.
7:54 PM
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