isn't it weird that two people can just talk calmly bout certain tools.
and how one cut way too deep.
nail, rulers, compasses.
it should scare me.
but it isn't doing anything.
it feels like a very normal conversation.
im not scared/worried/anxious.

and she forgot.
or maybe 'cause i ran away immediately after the meeting.
with yati, prachit and lyy.
its already been established that talking is pointless.
so why are you so insistent?

i blew up at bao this morning.
'cause she kept insisting that the problem was our mindsets.
it seemed as though once again the blame was shifted to us.
well to me.
and its just frustrating.
im always the one having to change whatever.
to suit whatever you guys want.
but why cant you understand this once?

one part of me really wishes that for once there's hope.
its holding out that the squad will understand.
the other part is the practical one.
it knows that change will never occur.
not ever.

i get nightmares frequently.
i dont wanna sleep at night.
not when my dreams are you guys.
go to hell ok.
you plague me in the day,
and at night.

i have an urge to scream.
just scream at anything or anybody till i feel better.
maybe that'll be less draining then crying.
maybe then i'll stop getting so agitated so easily.
ain't that right bao.
10:39 PM
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