home,
that's hell in other words.
pure hell.

i can't quite figure it out yet.
what the fuck exactly possessed me to think home would be a safe respite from school?
what the fuck made me listen to the teachers and go home?
what indeed.

melvin said yesterday that at his age i'll probably love home.
well im sorry, but i highly doubt that.
i can never see my home as a place of comfort or whatever.

i broke down again.
after such a long hiatus.
i broke in the kitchen.
and im ashamed.
honestly, thoroughly ashamed of myself.
whatever happened to those promises to hold the tears back?
promises i made to myself.

i need more pain.
something more intense.
something that will definitely hurt more.
i know what i need.
the problem's getting it.
not a big one though.

i can't take everything pressing together.
it isn't just simple pressure.
every day, one part of me dies off.
it doesn't help that it's s fucking tiring,
having to pretend.
i wonder how long more can i fake them.
i feel like i'm playing a game of charades.

i keep trying to look on the positive side.
i can't find it though.
so maybe im a pessimist.
whatever.

i wish my eeyore's alive.
then it can give me a hug.
and assure me that everything will be alright.
no one else will.

i found the nicest lyrics.
its probably what mum wants to scream at me.

no one knows i lost my soul long ago.
i need to run far away
can't go back to that place
like she told me,
i'm just a big disgrace
7:58 PM
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