when am i ever going to give up on you guys?
when you finally humiliate me worse than you already do?
when you drag me down even lower then you already have?
i dont get why i even bother.
i can't find the answer.
many times i tell myself,
no i won't care about you guys anymore.
i won't give a dammit fuck if you die.
yet i find myself panicking and scrambling to find a solution,
whenever trouble occurs.
tell me why?

i was never a part of the sqd.
not once.
and yet i keep trying and i find myself caring.
i promised ncos.
but i find it getting harder and harder to adhere to that promise.
i cant make myself do it at all.

i said that you guys won't be the ones to break me.
i said i wouldn't be affected by the shit you throw at me.
but that's exactly what the fuck's happening.
why do i even bother when you guys dont fucking care?
you just listen to the heads.
so why rant at us when we give up?
we don't matter to the sqd at all anyway.
the sqd's made up of 26 people ain't it?
not 28. never 28.

i can't stand the hypocrisy you guys display.
and yet i can't bring myself to scream and rant.
i'm pissed and i'm hurt.
but i can't.
no matter how much i try.
i can't do it.
and it fucking sucks.

i complain to yati.
but i always never say it to you guys.
dumb.

i'm so scared one day silin will lose it also.
and the three of us will start fighting.
i won't be able to deal if even silin turns her back on us.
'cause the rest of you don't understand.

i/cs are still sqdmates.
i fucking know that.
don't sqdmates deserve the same level of basic respect?
or wait.
only those in the sqd deserve respect.
the outsiders like the both of us don't.
'cause we're nobodys.
we don't matter.
even our feelings are redundant and useless.

she broke.
i'm gonna break soon.
it's just this thin little piece left hanging.
surviving on some wild, crazy ideal.
that you guys may one day open your fucking eyes.
but pragmatism is winning over the ideals.
i'm gonna give up soon.
it's so pointless to hold on to that sliver of hope.

for what really?
to cry everyday?
to get so frustrated and hurt?
to get so pissed off i wanna punch the wall till my skin tears?
to keep having to stare at wonderful red lines on my skin?

i never thought i would see the day when i really think,
yes the sqd is beyond hope.
not when everyone else had such high expectations for us.
we're supposed to be the sqd that's gonna bring cedar np to greater heights.
we're supposed to be raising the fucking standard.
none of that's happening.
the standard's just dropping like hell.
pretty soon it's gonna hit rock bottom,
especially if you guys refuse to see it.

i used to cry myself to sleep at night.
i got so frustrated over the sqd's problems.
and at that time i had campcraft as well.
i've never gotten over the disappointment.
that huge sense of loss and failure at losing the comp.
yes, to some, its stupid.
maybe you guys don't know.
but campcraft was what sustained me.
it kept me coming to school.
it stopped me from bailing out completely on the unit.
and then it came crashing.
you guys cried together.
i never had that luxury.
i was alone then.
hell, i'm still alone. by myself once again.

i feel like such a bitch for pushing everything to silin.
especially when you guys climb on her head all the time.
but i don't have the strength left to face you guys.
going for apt, parades, extra drills...
don't you know that's hell for me?
i keep finding excuses to skip this and skip that.
i can't bring myself to leave completely though.
and i hate me for that.

and i feel so much better now after ranting.
actually not.
9:36 PM
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