don't deny me this pain i'm going through.

it's funny how 3/4 of the songs in my folder,
always have the exact lyrics to describe what i feel.
there's always the perfect song to match my mood.
and mum doesn't understand
why i'll turn on the com in the morning,
just before i head to school,
just to listen to various songs.
wonderful titles most of them have.

i want a camera.
i need to take a picture of me.
before i become completely unrecognisable to myself.
already, i'm starting to doubt what i see in the mirror.
soon, i won't know me.
when that happens,
i don't know what to do.
hell, i do know actually.

you thought you'd stick around,
until the day you find someone to make me obsolete.

dadeedum.
i got blood on my school uniform today well yesterday.
eeyer. i don't like.
it would have felt good.
could i actually feel.
but no fucking no.
it felt numb.
no matter how many times i tried.
i still ended up with the same damn fucking result.
numbness.
just perfect.

most times when i'm alone,
i hug my baby and wonder.
what exactly am i doing?
what the fuck am i actually trying to achieve?
i can't get an answer that satisfies me.
i just get excuses.

maybe melo's right.
but that doesn't give me the answers i want.
neither is it a solution.
i don't want counselling.
i'm not saying i don't need it.
only that i don't want it.
i tried it way too many times before.
i'm done with counsellors who don't listen.
i'd rather be my own counsellor.

i'm going down into flames.

of course, with me as my own counsellor,
chances are i'll fuck my mind up even more.
but i'll reach some semblance of sanity.
'cause i'd be living in wonderful self-denial.

all he gave me was this ticket to heavenhell.

i scare myself with my sick, twisted ideas.
so many thoughts that i can't get out of my head.

i know what's best for me,
but i want you instead.
i'll keep on wasting all my time.

i can't wait for saturday.
diana will hopefully not play me up.
so i can get my nose pierced.
and then you'll see me walking around school with a damn plaster on my nose.
well, maybe.
i wanna buy those transparent ones.
so i don't look like an idiot.
oh and i have to cover up in front of dad.
he'll probably blow.
mum will just pretend she didn't see anything.

acts29's having games day on saturday as well.
cedarnp's having games day on friday.
i wonder what's the point of the np one.
maybe, hopefully, if i really pray.
he won't turn up on saturday.
then my mood wouldn't be spoiled.

i asked my sister what she thought of me the other day.
she would have raised my ego,
had i actually believed her.
"you're very pretty, only you look like the bitchy type."
spot on sister.
well the last part only.

you know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand.

i just thought of emily.
she'll kill me if she knows what i'm doing.
all along, she's been trying to stop me,
from becoming what she used to be.
and here i am, effortlessly destroying her work.
god, i love my cousin.
and i do know that she's forever hardest on me for my own good.
but babe, sometimes,
you just have to let me learn from experience.

when you're on the edge and falling off,
it's all over for you.

i'll take the shot for you.
i'll make it stop.

mum always taught that we had to listen.
dad pampered me,
but there was always this conservative air about the family.
if i remember correctly,
i was the first to challenge dad's conservative values.
i was the first to rebel amongst the idiot cousins at dad's side.
they probably hated me,
the girl who always sat there and wouldn't talk.
she just glared and gave off the aggressive vibes.

i'll wake up screaming.
and it's all because of you.

i can't remember exactly what prompted me to rebel.
to challenge everything that was taught or told to me.
to break through those disgusting social norms.
well, in a way.
i guess it had something to do with wanfong.

being her sitting partner in primary school changed me.
she gave me this whole insight into a different world.
she intrigued me.
on one hand, she seemed the perfect good little girl.
on the other, she was telling me that she masturbated.
yes, as a primarysix kid.
she thrashed whatever innocent notions i had of the world as a kid.
she pretty much opened my eyes.
and whacked all the innocence out of me.

you walked away from me when i need you

i don't even know why i'm typing this actually.
guess i just felt like it.

and i'm gonna retype the lyrics to my current obsession.
just because it fits my currrent mood.
i love my sister for buying the album for me.

i've been feeling lonesome
i'm down, don't know what to do
i let you lie to me, plant seeds inside to see them grow
and then leave them to die

i learnt my lesson,
i won't be forgetting
i won't give my heart out without suspecting
why cry
why cry
why cry
for you.

i've been lost and finding
out that i've been such a fool
you thought you'd stick around
until the day you found someone to make me obsolete

i learnt my lesson
i won't be forgetting
i won't give my heart out without suspecting
why cry
why cry
why cry
for you.

i had a dream in which i was grasping for something.
i don't know what though.
i searched like hell.
and everytime i tried to grab on to it,
that elusive thing would run away.
i could never catch hold of it.
i woke up with the sensation that i was falling.
i woke up, plain damn terrified.
i felt as though i had been crying,
though my face was dry.

now tell me, if dreams meant something.
what's the significance of that dream?

and i keep typing on and on.
making this stupid long post even longer.
all because i don't wanna sleep,
and i can pretend to mum and dad that i'm doing my hw.
'cause they think that blogger.com is my hw.
simply because i'm typing.
oops.

i'm suddenly reminded of a few years back.
dad was away for 4-6 months.
i can't remember the actual duration actually.
i just know that i was and still am ashamed of myself.
i never missed dad in that period.
the rest of the family missed him like hell.
i barely registered that my dad had dropped out of my life for half a year.

when mum first told me,
i recall replying very nonchalantly, "oh, ok."
she was shocked. i think.
i thought as the days passed,
i would maybe miss dad.
i didn't.

i still feel like a complete unfeeling monster for that.
i remember the quarrels i had with him when dad came home.
he would shout that i was ashamed to have him for a father.
and i would scream back a defiant yes.
i still regret those words.
the disappointment, the agony, the misery.
it was written all over dad's face.
i knew that he became ashamed of himself.
because of one word from me.
the daughter he doted on so much.
i couldn't take back those words though.
the damage had already been inflicted.

and now, the tears are resurfacing again.
when i think of dad.
and how he's always let me have whatever i want.
he's always pampered me so much.
he's always given me everything.
whatever i wanted, he gave.
enough when he had no money.
even now, when his business is bust.
and the family's broke.
he sacrifices whatever he wants.
for me.
the daughter who's always disappointed him.
the one who always hurts him.
with her words that cut to the core.

i only know to demand from him.
but i never give anything back in return.
i'm sorry dad.
i'm a horrible daughter.
i wish i can one day make you proud of me.
that's near impossible though.
it'll always just be me at the sidelines,
watching you beam at them.
while all you'll see is disappointment and failure when you look at me.

which is why i sometimes hate nights when i decide not to sleep.
and instead stay up to think.
'cause it's such nights when,
i'll probably go to school with puffy eyes.

i'm happily watching little spurts of cherries now.
its 2:11am.
i have 3 more hours to stone.
before i get ready for school.

i wish i could feel.

'cause there's no escaping from this nightmare.
when you're entrenched in it.
and you're stuck so deep,
you can't pull yourself out.

i'm getting tired.
but i'm afraid to sleep.
it's only 2:40am.
i still have 2 hrs and 20 mins.
12:02 AM
|