i can't remember where the problem stemmed from.
was it from me, or the sqd?
the only thing i'm sure of now,
is that i'm starting to withdraw even more.
and i can't confide in anyone anymore.
it seems everytime i confide in a person,
whoever it is will spread what i said.
thanks a lot lah.
i only trust bung now.
if she keeps my secrets secret only 'cause i know her secrets.
i shouldn't even be doubting bung.
maybe it'll be best if i completely withdraw into myself.
but even that's hard to do.
i tried it once, and failed miserably.
i'm curious though.
maybe somebody could tell me what is it they say?
isn't it funny that it's about me, and i haven't heard a thing before?
how much worse can it make me feel anyway?
no i'm not unhappy.
how can i ever be?
note the sarcasm?
i'm feeling bitter now.
what's the point of ignoring me only to,
come rushing to kick my ass when i do something stupid.
i'm not trying to draw anybody's damn fucking attention.
i'm doing it to satisfy myself.
it's stupid, to others maybe.
but it's not, to me.
maybe considering that before you lecture me or whatever would be good.
i am not an object, for your information.
i don't appreciate being treated like one.
please try to remember that, though it's probably hard for you.
i'm tired of sucking up whatever shit you throw.
i can't complain, i can't kick up a fuss.
i can't be myself.
and i'm tired of faking this huge happy moment,
only to break down and cry once i'm alone.
i was crying when you called.
do you know how hard it was to pretend i was happy?
i didn't just pierce my nose 'cause i wanted one.
that was just another convenient excuse.
i needed the pain, and badly.
yeah, i'm addicted to pain.
i love the rush of it.
i love that it hurts.
i love that i don't hurt inside when i feel pain.
'cause i can deal with what's outside.
just not inside, never inside.
and you got a problem with that?
people have different ways of dealing with shit.
this is my way.
so just deal with it.
even if you can't, shut up.
'cause it ain't your business.
i've forgotten how to look at things without being cynical.
it's sad, i've forgotten how to do many things.
i just remember vaguely a time when i was innocent.
where did i go wrong?
i'm trying to remember when i started changing so much.
i can't though.
i don't like this person i've become.
hell, i don't recognise me.
i'd like to think that it's just a phase.
or that i haven't changed, it's just others who've changed.
i know that it's a lie though.
but answer this for me, will you?
did you ever care?
or was i an object of interest to while your time away.
did you ever care that you were hurting me, badly?
or from the start, that was your intention.
isn't it ironic how people only regret when they've lost something?
isn't it weird how people tend to say one thing and do another?
i do that, all the time.
it's fucked up inside.
duh, i know that.
it's me after all.
but what right have you to judge me, when you're equally fucked up?
and now i really, desperately want my precious baby to give me a hug.
i need to know that i can still be the person i used to be.
i need assurances for a hundred and one things.
but most of all i need to hug my baby.
2:20 AM
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