i should be happy.
i mean i just got a new bag.
the two bottles of fragances i wanted.
celesther let me use the new wallet i bought her.
and she ordered and paid for the panic channel's album.
all this, for me.
it's what i wanted.
and i didn't have to pay a single cent for them.
i mean yes, i am glad.
i got what i wanted.
and yes, i was being a spoilt brat.
like i always am, to get the stuff i want.
hell, even my phone's gonna get fixed.
when dad's free.

so why the fuck am i still not satisfied/happy/whatever?
good question.
funnily, i have no answer.
eeyer. i sound like one of those idiots,
who want the whole world before they're happy.
which i'm not.
i am materialistic, i'll be the first to admit that.
and i can be queen bitch if i hate do not like you.
but, i'm not like them.
i don't need the world before i'm satisfied.
and i just splurge when i'm unhappy.
only to realise later that i don't need those stuff.
but that's a different story.
i just don't get why i feel as though i'm missing something.

and school starts tmr.
yay?
i haven't done a thing.
and i'm not looking forward to going back.
and facing angry teachers demanding their overdue work.
oh and it's seriously, severely overdue homework.
some is like a term overdue?
yeah.
i'm screwed.
not that i care actually.
i won't be doing them tonight probably, unless i'm in the mood.
and that's unlikely to happen.

i wish i could confide in melvin.
he seems the confidable type.
but it's weird.
i've only known him what 3 weeks.
hell no.
excess is nice though.
almost like one big mismash family.
like acts29 only different in many ways.
i should stop talking 'bout them actually.
i irritated the hell out of iggy by talking 'bout both groups.

but yeah, i had a surprise and long talk with celesther.
and i admit, i don't really like being in acts29.
partly yes, lucien's there.
mean but yeah, that's what i feel.
and i guess it's just i feel super left out in acts29.
i'm there because of my sister, and diana.
and if diana doesn't go for whatever activity,
chances are i won't turn up either.
no diana, no me.
there's a reason why i'm always quiet in acts29.
i normally talk, a lot. too much in fact.
oh well.

don't think of stuff that makes you sad.
think happy thoughts.
that just occured to me.
but what's the damn point, if happy thoughts,
are always accompanied by nostalgia,
and followed by overwhelming sadness.
because i want so badly to return to those innocent days.

i tried to be someone else
but nothing seemed to change.
i know now that this is really who i am inside.

one day, i shall say those words.
and i'll mean it.
7:48 PM
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