i woke up to find 3 new ones that just stared at me.
i don't need them to just stare.
that's not why i started. it's not.

church is kinda like this huge contradiction now.
i only realise after talking to yati,
many things aren't as they seem.

somehow, deep down inside,
i still wished i could be part of the sqd.
this teeny little bit still wishes i could have tasted what it was like.
to be part of the 28,
before i grew so cynical i refused,
to take part in the whole fantasy carousel.

sometimes, i really really miss the sqd.
especially during parades.
but that's wishful thinking.
the practical side knows that it's impossible.
i can never survive in the sqd.
all the lies and hypocrisy will smother me.
and eventually kill me.

there's no turning back now that i've started.
it's not going to get better.
it's a downhill run.
whether it ends in a crash or in victory.
that leaves to be seen.
funnily, i want it to end in a crash.
one huge glorious crash that will bring bliss.
8:46 AM
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