it's happened before.
can't take it no more.
i died in my dreams
what's that supposed to mean?
got lost in the fire.
i died in my dreams
reaching out for your hand
my fatal desire
just one big lie
such a perfect illusion.
i think this is going to be one super long post again.
considering i have nothing to do at all.
fade away, the night is calling my name.
i finally remembered what melvin said last night.
"and all the unclean ones will go to hell."
and edward's favourite and irrelevant line.
and in doing this, jesus declared that all food could be eaten.
how apt.
all the unclean ones.
that includes me.
yay.
i'm fucking going straight to hell.
i miss excess already.
i would have forgotten how to laugh,
would have forgotten how to smile,
if i had never met them.
i wonder how long more i can hide,
before they eventually find out.
i'm carving one in memory of excess.
ok, so i need the pain.
but hey, isn't it good to carve happy memories there.
so i'll remember that i still have excess,
to prevent me from turning into an unfeeling creature.
and then i won't cry.
it's easier to live if i don't cry.
'cause it's getting harder to halt the tears.
once they start, they can't stop.
i've been suppressing for months.
it's stupid that it's failing now.
i should learn by now actually.
promises never last.
whatever's said is bullshit.
but i always seem to believe the cockandbull i'm fed.
and ultimately, hurt is always on the cards somewhere.
i started on it, hoping for release.
i found addiction instead.
now, i'm stuck on a crazy carousel.
unable to resist nor control.
it's time to forget the past.
wash away what happened last.
hide behind an empty face.
if only i could perfect it.
if only i could overcome it.
then i won't get ugly, shallow cuts.
if only it were deeper.
these are the lies i have created.
pretty ain't it.
i wish i could take my beloved olfa cutter.
cut away the part of my heart or soul that's making me feel.
get rid of the essence of the soul.
and then i want to cut away the part of my brain that remembers.
memory's a treacherous bitch.
the lord bless you and keep you.
that just struck me.
we used to sing that in primary school.
where i never had to cry.
are you ugly?
a liar like me?
a user, a lost soul?
someone you don't know?
money it's no cure
a sickness so pure.
are you like me?
are you ugly?
turn a blind eye
why do i deny?
medicate me
so i die happy
a strain of cancer
chokes the answers
are you like me?
a liar like me?
look closer, are you like me?
my back hurts like a sonofabitch.
bung wants me to see a doctor.
one of those chinese sinsehs.
my refusal has got her hopping mad.
she tried to stop me.
but you see, i can't stop.
and now bung's even angrier.
but can't she see its for excess?
isn't that a better thing?
failing and unsure, why am i losing my nerve?
wasting my time why do i only see through this hurt?
jaded and broken
out of place waiting my turn
guilty, fractured
and like you i don't know the answer.
you get what you deserve.
dadeedum.
my room is a horrible disgusting mess.
i don't like.
but i'm too lazy to clear it up.
oops.
some days i bleed, i fall like stone
i'm always afraid, i feel so alone.
got a false sense of security
giving me a real sense of insecurity
messing with my head now, head down.
what the fuck is wrong with me
a false sense of security
is fucking with my head
i wonder if they ever meant a word.
bung says yes.
melo says yes.
i wish i could say yes.
but something's telling me it's one big fat no.
my mind's telling me it was a game all along.
a game that ended as quickly as it started.
your shit is overrated.
eugene's band is playing on the 13thoct at icantforthelifeofmerememberwhere.
i want to go watch!
but lucien's their vocalist, i think.
and well.
let's just say i'm trying not to shudder.
but still, it's eugene.
i guess if i can drag more people to go with me, maybe?
i said before that life's a horrible irony.
what i wonder is death then?
where do we go after?
where can i go after?
i wish you never told me.
i wish i never knew.
i wake up screaming,
it's all because of you.
i'm reminded of certain stuff.
things i'd rather forget.
because they always reignite the pain and tears.
i wish i had stuck by my promise.
if only i had clammed up.
stupid, stupid.
melvin wanted us to write our own eulogies for fun.
i was intrigued.
in fact, i knew what i would write.
the same thing i think about each night.
hi busy monkeys.
okay.
let s dump you a short story.
here we go!
"would you tell me please which way i ought to walk from here?"
"that depends a good deal where you want to get to,"said the cat.
"i dont much care where..." said alice.
"Then it doesnt matter which way to walk," said the cat.
well, hope you guys know where you are heading and head well alright.
study hard:)
"a good aries is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way."
that was from maamshirlyn.
i just directly copied and pasted.
oh maam, if only you knew how fucked up the sqd is now.
would you cry, or would you sigh?
or would you not care at all?
i just opened the bible.
i finally prefer what i see.
sirach 33:14-15
Good is the opposite of evil, life is the opposite of death, and sin is the opposite of devotion to the Lord. Think about it: the Most High has made everything in pairs, each thing the opposite of something else.
sirach 33:19-20
Never, as long as you live, give anyone power over you - whether son, wife, brother, or friend. Don't give your property to anyone; you might change your mind and have to ask for it back. As long as you have breath in your body, don't let anyone lead your life for you.
the first one was about how people are not alike.
the second was about being independent.
i finally stop getting passages that tell me the wicked are going to hell.
thankyou.
i feel happier now.
will it last though?
and maybe i should stop being so pessimistic.
but i'm always cynical lately.
so i'm sorry?
that you've made me change so much.
i've all but thrashed my principles.
now, didn't fatheridontknowwhatshisname say we should stick by our principles?
as a missionary, we should not be swayed.
or something to that extent.
ok, missionary part is completely irrelevant, but the principles part?
the more i think about it,
i somehow feel that i'm not ready for the mission trip.
but i want to go so badly.
i
i need some semblance of control back in my life.
i'm a tad amused that melo thinks i'm suffering from depression actually.
i rather believe nat's theory.
that i'm seriously, honestly, wayyyy too sensitive.
and i'm reading too much into things.
hence the teeny cuts here and there.
and the random poppings.
but wellllllll,
they did name it painkillers.
and i was irritated with my back.
and well irritated with within.
if the doctors and whatever didn't want people to pop,
they shouldn't have given such vague names to medicine.
they should have made it more specific.
i've always twisted words to my liking anyway.
too bad lah, i take the name painkillers literally.
and yes, lousy argument.
but whothefuck cares.
why don't you just make up your mind?
maybe one day i'll accidentally overdose.
like campcraft days.
only way more than that one incident.
that would be fun as hell.
you make me headspin.
it had to mean something.
not.
i lugged my baby to school with me today.
'caused i miss it like hell everytime i'm not at home.
a pity it kept bulging from my bag.
and now it smells like the inside of my bag.
my baby's not coming with me to school anymore.
i don't wanna risk it being smelly or dirty.
it's way too precious to me.
i want to try riding on a carousel.
and make it spin till i puke my guts out.
how fun.
it's 6:04 now.
i wonder how long i took on this post.
it's fun actually.
cece, cinch and maybe yj and shell and i are going to get together.
one of these days.
i miss the four of them.
and the bond we shared.
though the ones i miss most are nana, sam, mel and hyaz.
but it'll be weird.
though i was touched when nana and mel actually bothered.
i started it all and now i'm regretting it.
behind those eyes lie the truth and grief.
behind those beautiful smiles i've seen tragedy.
the flawless skin hides the secrets within.
silent forces that secretly ignite your sins.
behind these clouds you can hide all your tears.
beyond this world you'll be safe from their wicked fears.
and in their hearts, they fear your demands.
you know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand.
if only.
but my bung's a perfect example.
sherlyn just called.
30thsept's the deadline to sign up.
do i really want to go?
hell yes.
am i ready?
good question.
i don't know.
it kinda means no excess for 2 days.
damn.
i remember the first note.
i remember the first slash.
and i remember your back, turning away.
and the look,
changed to revulsion.
and repulsion.
thanks a lot.
it cut deep.
and the scars will always stay there.
deep down under.
where the naked eye don't see.
but where she will always know they belong.
scarred so badly, she's too broken.
she doesn't give a damn now.
2:44 PM
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