i've found a new high.
and grossed bung out.
oops.

there's a really fine line between what's yours and what's mine.

tong, you know i love you right babe.
and you're not a horrible friend.
i'm not angry that you tell me to stop but still slash.

i'm not running from you.
i'm running from me.
i am finished with you.
i hope.

it's a matter of being able to cope.
obviously i can't.
and sometimes when i'm most upset,
i wish my family would care.
but i've pushed them so far out,
i might as well not bother.

my nose will have a hole in it after saturday.
i can't wait for the pain actually.
my motivation for getting it now is the pain actually.

was it a dream?
why couldn't it just be a nightmare?
i can handle nightmares.
i can handle all the super surreal and whatever shit stuff.
i just can't handle reality.
so why did you have to smack me in the face with it?

don't save me.
'cause i don't care.

bung keeps getting freaked out by me.
guess she doesn't know,
i do it, simply 'cause i'm trying not to scare myself.
screwed logic but it works for me.

diana scared me a little.
but i'm just going to do what i do best.
and pretend nothing happened.
i'm probably reading too much into it again.
but any reference to my baby scares me now.

and now i have my comfort tea.
just the way i like it - milky and super sweet.
dad's burning some scent thing.
peppermint.
it reminds me of laughter and funfilled days under the sun.

exams are approaching.
reminds me of fellowship yesterday.
we were talking about how we sat through boring exams.
"f9 means you're first in class." edward's wonderful philosophy.
"yah, then sleep for half an hour, wake up then scribble something right. then don't know how to do just write your name and get one mark." coming from joshua.
what can i say?
i love the people tons.

maybe life's like a maze.
you walk around forever.
but you can never get to where you want to go.
you're just wandering around, lost.
and when you hit on a dead end too many times,
you crumble and despair.
bet that whole talk about reaping your rewards,
if you do not give up is bullfuckingshit.

i feel like skipping this friday's games day.
i think it's dumb as hell.
but it's not as if i have anything better to do if i don't go.
how unfortunate.

the smell of peppermint is really soothing actually.
and i just realised i carry 3 different kind of painkillers to school actually.
one's panadol.
then there's the one for menstrual cramps.
and the one for gastric.
i've been popping panadol and the cramps one lately.
it's supposed to relieve pain.
funny how it's lousy and useless.
blah.

i wonder what's it like to lose everything.
to be locked up and get nothing.
to sit in some cell and stone through each day.
to just exist but not live.
i wish i knew what dying feels like.
i wish i knew death.

i walked through the park yesterday night with nat.
it would have been more fun if it was darker.
and if we weren't so close to the main road.
all the same, i love the park at night.

you made the rules religiously.
no compromise.
11:12 PM
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