she knew, right from the start.
the disasters it spelled.
she watched, too many times,
as it slowly brought others to their doom.
she watched them spiralling downwards.
and she told herself, "that can never be me."

but then, months passed.
day by day her stand wavered.
she tried new means and ways.
from harmless materials.
it progressed on and on.
when it started leaving scars,
people got worried and nagged.
but she was confident, so full of herself.
she was so sure that she would never be like those who gave up.
as she proclaimed, "no, i will never resort to that."
she promised one, two, three, four.. too many people.
she assured them, and herself, that she would always be safe.

"i'm happier now." she told her friend.
but it was a lie, though it was unknown to her at that time.
she thought she meant it.

she started growing more forlorn and desolate.
she began to feel that life was meaningless.
each day became such a pain.
she couldn't seem to produce genuine smiles.
she wasn't even a fragment of her past.

looking into the mirror each day,
she couldn't recognise herself at all.
"is that really me? it can't be!" she couldn't believe what was true.
gone was the girl who used to laugh.
gone was the girl who used to smile.
gone was the girl with the dreams and aspirations.
in her place was a shell.

and as she began to realise the changes that was taking place,
her mindset started changing.
no longer did she reject it.
she obtained one and started using it.
the first one was meek and scared.
she was still afraid, still uncertain.
but the following day made up her mind for her.

the frustration reached its height.
she could no longer push it back into its box.
she had lost the lock.
the tears were harder and harder to push back.
she knew she was losing it.
and she didn't want to.
"crying's for the weak." she convinced herself.

and so she pushed.
harder this time, and with more force.
and watched with wracked and frayed emotions.
and then she smiled.
'cause she felt so overwhelmingly relieved all of a sudden.

she realised at that point,
that nothing could go back to what it was again.
she had reached the crossroads.
and made her choice.
she couldn't turn back anymore.

she wondered, if she would regret.
she thought long and hard.
and wasn't really surprised that she wouldn't.
"why should i anyway?" she thought.
she had chosen that road.
there was just no room for regrets.

but she's sorry all the same.
to all those people she broke her promise to.
to her beloved bamboostick.
who meant the world to her,
and to whom she broke promise after promise.
she never meant to hurt him.
but she never knew how much she meant to him,
till it was too late.
and she just couldn't stop.
the addiction was impossible to halt.

to her nag, her bung, her teh, and a whole host of others.
she never forgot what she promised them.
only she realised too late again,
that she could not,
she just couldn't deliver on that promise of hers.
she did try, only she was too tired to continue trying.
and so she gave up,
a common fixture actually.

she never expected such a twist.
she remembers being a child,
when everything was innocent and filled with cherries.
and she yearns for that type of life again.
but she's no longer the naive idiot she was.
she learnt the hard way,
that nothing is innocent.
and that life can never be a bed of roses.

"no more." she told herself then.
but that never seemed to be the case.
it repeated over and over again.
until she became so broken and defeated,
she didn't have the guts to try anymore.

she stops the nightmares now.
simply by keeping up the farce she started.
each day, too tired to care about other things.
she slips thankfully into a dreamless sleep.
other nights however,
when she's plagued by bad flashbacks,
she can't sleep at all.
and she's thankful then, for her newfound release.

who is she now, she wonders.
how will this sham end for her?
she wishes it to be soon.
living is too tiring.
9:31 PM
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