twice i prayed to God for help and guidance.
twice i recieved similiar passages when i opened the bible.
the first had an ironic title, The Destiny of the Wicked

Wisdom 3:10
The ungodly, however, will get the punishment their wicked thoughts deserve, because they rebelled against the Lord and ignored what was right.

and then Job 34:22, 25-27
There is no darkness dark enough to hide a sinner from God.
Because he knows what they do;
he overthrows them and crushes them by night.
He punishes sinners where all can see it,
because they have stopped following him and ignored all his commands.

does that refer to me then?
i can't find an answer no matter how hard i try.
i keep eating, in hopes to forget and numb.
i'm trying to keep the food inside now.
i don't want to keep resorting to that shitass that i bought.
but it's addictive.

i realise that there really is nowhere that i belong.
i went to my favourite haunt.
i left almost soon after.

i want my precious baby to say something.
instead of staring at me lifelessly.
which is dumb,
'cause my baby will always be an inanimate toy.
it can say nothing.
and yet i want it to.
it's the one thing that accompanies me through sleepless nights.
through nights when i'm crying myself to sleep.
through the times i watch the trickle and wished i had the guts,
to make it gush out more and faster.
it's always there, yet never there.

not supposed to be scared of anything, but i don't know where i am
i wish that i can move, but i'm exhausted, and nobody understands how i feel
i'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
there's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

i try to hold this under control
they can't help me 'cause no one knows

i'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
i've got something to say but now i've got no where to turn
it feels like i've been buried underneath all the weight of the world

don't tell me what to think
'cause i don't care this time
don't tell me what to believe
'cause you won't be there to catch me when i fall

don't tell me how life is
'cause i don't really wanna know
don't tell me how this game ends
'cause we'll just see how it goes

i want the camera to be fixed.
there's some things in life that i wanna capture on film now.
6:05 PM
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