you see bamboostick, i did laugh and smile.
only they were superficial ones.
bet you knew that didn't you.
i can be rather predictable huh.

your reaction amused me though.
right hand, "you really have no life you..."
left hand, "i want to kill you"
what can i say?
i can't stop pot.
i need it. that's what sustains me now.

there's so many things i wanna clear up.
but i don't know how to ask.
i don't know how to say it.

somebody asked me once what i really wanted or needed.
i had no answer then.
i've got it now.
i want release.
i want freedom, in a way.

i yearned to be alone once.
but now, i just don't know.
i can't decide at all.

i envy bamboostick.
his relationship with nana is sweet, simple and perfect in a way.
i should stop going around envying people actually.
i fuck my own life up singlehandedly.

and i just fought with mum.
yay.
my hand's getting fucking uglier.
and as long as you are happy.
i ask for nothing more.

i can't get the bible passage out of my mind.
the wicked.
looking at it from the catholic perspective,
it does refer to me.
and that's exactly what scares me most.
have i really become that which i so vehemently denied.
gosh. what caused the change though?

i need some answers soon.
before i scare myself by coming up with my own ones.

hanging out with bamboostick was nice.
and very fun.
but i guess i just wasn't happy the way he wanted me to be.
i felt so detached, and the whole thing felt so surreal.
all the same.
thankyou bamboostickpot.
you know i love you to bits, don't you brother.
i'll definitely go to your gig.
if i'm in s'pore that is.
constructive criticism.
don't worry pot. you'll get loads of it.
5:48 PM
|