and it hurts having to pretend i'm happy now.
the tears threaten to spill so bad.
but i can't cry.
'cause everyone thinks i'm happy now.

but i've resisted enough.
i made the choice myself.
i choose to go down the smooth road,
that which leads straight to the abyss.
'cause i'm tired of pulling myself back up again.
i'm lazy, i'm tired, i'm an idiot.
whatever.

i won't regret.
'cause i made this choice myself.
i know it's wrong.
i know it's the dumbest thing to do.
i know i'm stupid to think that happiness is a lie.
that it's one huge facade, a huge deception.
i know i'm an idiot.
but it's just like what melvin was talking about.

there are four steps to conversion.
one) realisation
two) admission
three) acceptance
four) reveal

i 've realised i've a problem.
i've known that since forever.
and i admit that i have a problem.
but i refuse, i just plain flat out refuse to accept the new change.
'cause i'm stubborn.
and in my extremely fucked up mind,
i believe that the blade and pain were truly the only things that belonged to me.
everything else will eventually leave me sooner or later.
those two are the only things that will stand by me.

and i know that's rubbish.
i don't need others to tell me that man.
i know that for myself.
but i rather continue living in this sick delusion.
'cause i'm terrified of getting thrown one side again.
i'm dead scared of being hurt.
i'm a coward, a fucking wimp.
i can say all the shit i want about others being cowards.
but at the end of the day, i'm the true coward.
i don't want to face reality.
i don't want to face the cold harsh facts.
'cause in my world of pain and blood,
i am strangely happy.
'cause everything is numbed.

as the blood flows out, so does my emotions.
while i bleed, while i hurt, i numb myself.
to the point that i don't feel anything.
not sadness, not happiness, not anger, not fear, not hurt.
and that moment of oblivion is what i crave.
it's what i want so fucking badly.
'cause in that moment,
i can lie all i want to myself.
and i wouldn't have to go back the shit hole that is reality.

i am an irony unto myself.
and i was happy the past week or so.
i'm not gonna bother denying that, 'cause its the fucking truth.
but i'm tired if testing this new happiness shit to see if it'll hold.
thankyou for crushing my hope early.
thankyou for helping me lose all qualms.
i know now that i will choose the shittiest path.

i'll cry myself to sleep probably.
or maybe not, 'cause crying's for the weak.
though frankly, i am fucking weak.
where's the point in denying that as well, now that i'm being honest to myself.

i felt completely lost, that week i was happy.
i felt so frightened everytime i was alone.
i was waiting for it all to come crashing down on me.
but it didn't.
which scares me even more.
'cause now it means that my fall when it comes will be so much greater.
and knowing that makes it all the more worst.

i've lost my security net.
with it, i could have taken any blow.
i could have taken any setback.
'cause i'd know that shit can be thrown at me,
but i'd still have something to back up on.
i'd still have pain to keep me going.
but i threw it away.
and now, i'm just fucking frightened.

i need it.
i want it back so badly.
'cause life's frightening, it's scary without it.
i can't deal without it.
i'm addicted to it.
i niss it.
11:56 PM
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