i spent the night rethinking it.
somehow i'm not gonna use it yet.
'cause i believe i'll need it soon.
pretty soon, a wedge is gonna be driven between us.
i know it, 'cause it's the same endless cycle.

it's the cycle that i know, all too well.
and i'm feeling sorry for myself.
self-pity, what the fuck man.
it's disgusting.

i see so many different things each day.
signs, i'd like to call them.
and yet, it seems to stem from my imagination.
it's my brain trying to justify my actions.
it's trying to find excuses so i won't feel like crap.

'cause it's too easy to make me feel like shit for doing what i want to.
it's too easy to make my already low self-esteem dip further.
but it just can't make me stop.
i've set my heart on it.
and when i want something bad enough, i'll normally get it.
i've picked a place, i've picked the thing.
all i need now, is the mood to do it.

and right now, all i feel is sluggish and lazy.
i'm not in the mood to do a damn thing.
i wonder how i'm gonna drag my ass out later to jog.

i wonder how i'm viewed.
i wonder how i'm thought of.
most of all,
i wonder why i was born.
i wonder what made me become this.

i remember what she said that day, 'cause it hurt me bad.
"i don't know what you're turning into. mixing with guys and drinking."
thankyou for cutting me with those words of yours.
you stepped out of my life for months and suddenly you're back.
you start to judge me once again.
thankyou for always having the ability to make me feel like shit.
hell, to feel worse like shit, if that's possible.
you really are talented, youknowthat?

and yet, i can't get mad at you.
'cause i can only blame myself for the way things are now.
i fucked our friendship up too badly for it to be salvaged.
though really, was it a true friendship.
'cause now away from you, i'd think clearer.
and i've realised that it wasnt really a true ittakestwohandstoclap kinda friendship.
rather, it reminded me more of a one sided friendship.
one gives, the other takes.
when the person giving gets tired, she starts to go.
then the person taking gives, and the person giving takes.
what the hell am i saying, i don't know.

i've getting my sugar rush right now.
baby, you broke it, it went through.
the shards went in deep.
and now they're stuck too deep in there.
yet, i'll continue smiling, just so you don't know what's happening.
12:36 PM
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