well, i lied.
"i won't cut at the playground man."
i'm sorry man, i meant it at first, honest i did.
but thinking facilitates hurt.
and watching those kids run around and have fun,
with those kind of thoughts going through my head,
i couldn't take it anymore.

and only cowards cut so fucking shallow.

that's me then.
i'll be the biggest coward you can ever find.
though really, i'll try to change.
i don't believe it'll stay shallow forever.
maybe it's 'cause i need warmup?
though seriously, what the fuck am i saying man?

i don't wanna sleep tonight.
maybe the lack of sleep will make me so sluggish tmr, i can't do anything.
maybe the lack of proper food will make me so hungry, my brain will fail to think at all and focus instead completely on my stomach.
maybe then i'll be a zombie, and i won't think, won't feel, won't do a single goddamnedfucking thing.

making the right choice is hard man.
i see so many before me.
but the right one's that far away.
and i'm a lazy shitass pig.
my body's too sluggish and my arm won't move.
my ass is glued to my place, and my legs are stonedead.
obviously, i'm just looking for a convenient excuse but whatever man.
i won't go towards that new me i found last week.
i just don't want to.
and no, i'm not doing it to seek pity or companionship.
'cause i can jolly well do without it.
i don't need it, not at all.

hey baby, can you bleed like me?

oh wait, that doesn't apply to me.
it should be more like
hey baby, can i bleed like you?

i can honestly say i was wrong.
i was so stupid to think that i was so different than you.

i'm going to end up frustrating mel and ed.
that's good, i think.
at least, that's what i'm trying to do now.
'cause i don't want to use my brain till later.
and i don't want to function come to think of it.
i don't want to do a single fucking thing.
well, except what i started already.
but that's a whole different story.

i realise my passion isn't really into the whole creating it part.
rather i prefer recreating it.
'cause i get a huge kick out of it.
besides, all the things i need are practically laid in front of me already.
it's practically begging to be used.
maybe it'll just jump up in its haste to be used.
maybe it'll come to me in my dreams and kiss my hand.
and maybe i should stop writing rubbish.
ah well.

apparently i can't seem to piss ed off.
so he won't stop.
but maybe, just maybe i'm kinda succeeding in pissing mel off.
and then maybe he'll stop? or not.

'cause i'll get on, all by myself.

i'm going to start that whole shit routine again.
it's called, the let's start pushing everybody away again game.
how fun right.
the outcome is fun as well.
it's when i'm all alone again,
then i know i've succeeded.
unfortunately, ed and mel refuses to cooperate currently.
that's saddening.

i see the same thing everywhere i go.
why bother going back to reality, only to be hurt again?
the greater the happiness, the harder the fall.
and with no one there to break my fall, i'd rather live in my own game.
that's a certainty for me.
'cause in my game, i won't have to fall.
so i won't need to worry if there's anyone there to catch me.
that's security for me man.
of course, i may well be in delusion mode.
but whatever man, really, seriously, screw it.
i don't fucking care anymore.

london bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.
london bridge is falling down, my fair lady.

it's my crazy fucked up mind.
one by one, i'll twist this and twist that.
sooner or later, i won't remember a fucking thing.
everything is it's original form will be tainted.

twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are.
up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky.
twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are.

it's cold, unforgiving and fucking harsh.
that's reality in my mind.
so why should i step out of my warm and comfy delusion?
wouldn't that be crazy?

bah bah black sheep, have you any wool?
yessir yessir three bags full.
one for my master and one for my dame.
one for the little boy who lives down the lane.

i envy little children.
one moment they can be upset, the next they can be happy.
their lives are so carefree, so blameless.
it hurts just watching them.
it makes me cry, just to watch them run around.

c'mon baby, can you bleed like me?
10:49 PM
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