nope, i wasn't unhappy,
at least i don't think i was.
but, i wanted to be alone,
which was why i left everyone else.

i feel bloody fucking miserable now,
which pisses me off even more,
'cause i don't know what's causing it.
i typed a long rant in my phone while at that place earlier,
& then i almost fell asleep, fuck.

& seriously, screw whoever didn't fix the lights in the park,
i almost walked into the pond in the dark,
& i didn't have enough guts to stay alone in pitch blackness,
fuck, i'm a coward.

walking around alone is fucking boring,
& i hate it, but i wanted so badly to be alone,
it really didn't matter that i'm pushing everyone else away,
there was this horrible need to be all by myself.

i'm sorry you, but i can't be like nat.
just take it like i don't know when to be happy alright?
& just take it as you guys can stop helping me already,
since i don't know how to help myself, let alone let others help me.
hell, i don't even know how to love myself.

i wanted to pray,
but somehow the words couldn't form,
& i felt as though god wouldn't be listening to me,
& at that moment, i've never felt so lonely.

i wasn't thinking at all, surprisingly,
or wait, i wasn't doing the major thinking that i normally do.
hell, i just sat there and really stoned.
i didn't want to cry, i didn't want to laugh,
i couldn't feel a fucking thing at all.
it felt bloody pathetic, like one fucking void.

i knew that somehow i was suppressing everything,
i was trying so hard to forget & not think,
'cause i didn't want to cry or tell anyone anything,
i'm so fucking sick of crying & talking to others,
it doesn't help at all, not one bit.
& i'm proud to say the tears didn't fall.
though honestly, i started craving a comforting touch.

it hurts thankyouverymuch,
& though i hate being alone,
i need it too, & i'm so contradicting myself.
i crave a hug, one that's comforting & warm,
& can just chase away the unhappy thoughts.

i wish that i'm bipolar.
at least i'll be able to feel happy sometimes.

my hand's a fucking mess, & i've even started on the right.
my only justification is that the left stopped feeling.
it was only numbness,
& i can't deal with that.

i'm losing hope that i'll be able to help myself,
i'm losing hope that i'll be able to let others help me,
i'm giving up hope in learning to deal with this,
'cause i feel like i don't fucking deserve anything.

sure, i feel that life is meaningless,
but i don't know anymore if i really want to die.
i don't know what i want at all,
& it doesn't help that my emotions are fucking numbed,
it doesn't help one bit that i can't feel a fucking thing.
'cause it just makes it harder to do anything at all.

it's a fucking masquerade that i'm putting up.
one big pretend every day that i'm happy & everything's fine,
when in reality i feel fucking down,
& yet i don't know why at all.
the tears fall & i can't comprehend the reason,
i do it more & i don't know why.

y'know i really miss you guys tons.
especially when i don't see you'll at all.
but somehow, when i do see you guys,
i wish i never did at all.

i only know to hate this person i am,
i've never learnt otherwise.
& i really wish that there's someone,
who can just assure me that everything will be ok,
& i'll believe that person.
but it's all wishful thinking,
& starting to sound so fucking repetitive.

i wonder if this is just a phase,
'cause if it is, it's starting to wear me out a lot,
& i'm getting tired of it,
but i have no clue how to snap out of it.

nana wants me to throw away everything that i've been using.
but baby, i really can't.
it doesn't just mean throwing away my blade.
there's my ruler, my safety pins, my pencils,
hell, anything that has a sharp tip or hell,
as long as it can scratch skin, i use it.
i can't throw them all away.
how do you throw away your fingernails anyway?

i think i shall slap myself the next time i start crying/tearing,
or maybe start some silly mantra,
or maybe pinch myself.
tears are bad for health,
will that work?
i don't know.

everyone's giving up slowly.
i thought i'd be happy,
but strangely enough i'm not.
fuck this to hell and back.

alone, alone, alone.
just tell me it's better to be alone,
then hurting everyone else around.

i just want to sleep & never wake up,
make that possible for me please?

i don't want to be lonely, i just want to be alone.
go figure.
9:07 PM
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