honestly, i don't know what i was thinking.
& really, i'm sorry i blew up on you.
'cause you sure as hell didn't deserve it.
you're the last person on earth i would want to hurt,
& pretty much one of the very few i'd admit to making a mistake to.

nothing can pretty much make up for everything you've done for me,
& i had no right to take my frustrations and anger out on you.
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
i don't think it's enough at all,
& i know that you have every right to be mad at me.

i know you're disappointed & upset,
i know you're unhappy that i don't dare to make my stand,
but please try to understand as well that me being me,
i'm fucking terrified of them now.
i guess i've pretty much made up my mind now.
today convinced me & showed me quite clearly how there's too much conflict.
i've almost made up my mind to go.

you know, you mean too much,
& i'm trying so hard to be strong & just be the person you'd like to see.
but i guess i'm doing it for all the wrong reasons,
'cause i'm sure as hell losing my resolve to continue.
i broke my promise today,
& honestly, i'm afraid of seeing you this week.
afraid to see the disappointment in your face & to hear what you wanna say.

i know i'm being really dumb here.
but can you comprehend that i don't know where else to go otherwise?
i don't believe in staying where i'm not wanted or where i don't belong.
but where else can i go then?

just know that i'll do anything for you,
just the same way you will for me.
i can't thank you enough for these few years,
& i'll never be able to make up for all the rubbish i've done.
i'm so sorry i'm always taking it out on you.
words can't express exactly, it just can't.

hello, i just realised how much more determined i am to leave.
i can't hold out much longer.

& you know, jeremy makes a lot of sense,
but i've spent the past few years hating myself.
& really, i'd rather continue hating than loving said self.
'cause then will i only be able to justify the loneliness that's second nature.
i guess that's what i didn't dare tell you.

& it's funny come to think of it.
i have to be asked, before realising i've already lost the reason why i hated myself initially.
i no longer remember what prompted me to start,
i only know that the hatred has always remained,
& it's not something that i'll willingly let go.
'cause i'd rather people hate me and despise me.

i feel drained.
i don't wanna return to school tmr.
i don't wanna have to hear about everyone's happy weekend.
not when this is the lousiest week by far.
i don't wanna go back knowing it's another start of my facade.
i don't wanna act all happy, cheery, upbeat, positive anymore.
but i have to.

i hope you won't stay mad at me for long.
i'm over-reliant on you for support & encouragement, i know.
i don't like it either, & i'm just trying to get through this year.
but right now, i need your support & encouragement badly.
nothing else matters but that you agree.
please just help me through this year.
12:26 AM
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