it seems to be this cruel cycle.
one moment we're fighting,
then we're laughing,
then i'm worried.

i seem to cry & worry for you more than i'm happy.
i don't like it at all.
& many times i wonder if it's worth it.

hello, i promised you i won't be fake.
i seem to keep promising you things i can't deliver.
& what hurts most is the disappointment so evident.
i never ever learn, huh?

your confidence really does little to assure me.
the more confident you are, the more worried i become.
if i'm not afraid the cops will bust you,
i'm worried you'll get drunk,
or some other dumb cocked up reason.

i'm frightened at how tired you are nowadays.
i'm frightened by the toll the problems at home are causing you.
you've always been my rock,
you've always been the one person i can always count on,
it scares me that it's always kinda been like a show.
i'm terrified of the concept that there won't be anyone there.

thinking back now,
i've never delivered on any.
i promised not to cry; i failed miserably.
i promised to be strong; it was a complete disaster.
i promised not to let the little things affect me; i did.
i promised to think before i act; it never happened.
i promised not to be so stupid; i never acted smart.
ultimately though,
i promised not to be fake; just remembering that is hard.

most times, i wonder how you can even put up with me.
& tears are a bitch; you strengthed my belief in that.
somehow though, i can't seem to stop the saline rolling down.
you know, it really fucking sucks.
there are times when i just want to slap you.
& then i end up wanting to beat myself up, anything that churns out pain.

have we really changed that much?
i have the urge to cry, now.
11:53 PM
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