no, tine hasn't cheered up.
in fact, her stomach hurts now.
& she's dreading school.
she just stuffed herself with tomyam noodles & chocolate,
& yeah, in her head she's pissed about the possible weight gain.

no, this isn't a good week.
she's pmsing so badly, pretty soon she'll start crying in school.
& then a whole new cycle of self-loathing will start.
'cause you see, tine hates said self.

it's only approaching the middle part of the year,
& already tine just wants to sleep her days away.
go be a bum, drop dead, whatever.
she just wants rest.

tine hasn't started on hw.
she doesn't want to at all.
she's awfully drained, has been for too long in fact.
she's just starting to see the effects now.

you see, here's where the disadvantages of keeping silent come into play.
she stuffs all her problems & what not deep inside herself.
normally, it means there's too much shit when she cries.
most times though, she's crying for things in the past.

she's back to being terrified of sleeping at night.
will things change forever when she wakes?
will she never find that elusive ray?
will she always loathe herself this much?
so many questions, yet no possible answers.
what's wrong with her?

pressure from everyone & no one at all.
expectations that stem from herself mostly.
pride that cannot fall.
oh she does this to herself, yes indeed.

feelings of passion, frustration, refusal, whatever.
they're ensnared in the devil's trap.

she wants so much to contribute to the ministries she's with,
yet that feeling of being stifled & choked never goes away.
kid, yeah she's one.
or so they always say.

alcohol.
if only she could just have some now.
drown herself in a whirl of nothingness,
oh yeah, she's just desperate for release.

friends come & go.
that's not true, she wants so badly to believe that.
they mean the world to her.
yet no one ever seems to be by her side.

it's true what they say.
you can always feel lonely even in a crowd.
of course she'd know that, it's common for her.
hell, it's pretty much second nature for tine.

why is she even wallowing in self-pity?
she does this all the time, it's hell annoying.
get over it, she screams.
smash the glass against the wall, & watch the pieces shatter and pierce.
how pretty, the sight of roses adorned on the pieces.

oh wth is this?
1:20 AM
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